Channel surfing not an option

First the Ming dynasty, now the New England Patriots. (Naturally, I bet against both.) What a day. Kid Rock, a naked intruder, and another breathless finish. Like the rest of you, I watched all of the Super Bowl. Unlike the rest of you, I ate an entire canister of Torengos chips and took notes:

2:02 p.m.: Jim Nantz tells us the Reliant Stadium roof in Houston will be closed. In the spirit of the day, I shut all my windows and put on a 10-gallon hat.

2:23: Patriots owner Bob Kraft and Aerosmith rocker Steven Tyler are seen chatting outside of the stadium. In a related development, NASA's Opportunity rover uncovers remnants of Milton Berle on the surface of Mars.

4:01: CBS's "Super Bowl Today" cast moves from outside to inside the stadium. Against their better judgment, they tell Boomer Esiason.

4:37: Pizza Hut's new 4-for-All pizza is a nice idea, but where am I going to find four friends?

5:18: As CBS shows us the sights and sounds of Texas, I suddenly realize that this might be the first Super Bowl held outside the United States.

6:22: Finally, the coin toss: Carolina calls tails and it is tails. I'm stunned New England doesn't throw the challenge flag.

6:28: Shortly after kickoff, the Panthers punt, then the Patriots miss a field goal, then the Panthers punt, then the Patriots punt, then the Panthers punt, then the Patriots punt, then the Panthers punt, and, well, it's 0-0 after 15 minutes.

7:08: If Tom Brady had to sit through the State of the Union address, how come President Bush didn't have to sit through the first quarter?

7:23: This game's starting to remind me of my 1993 root canal.

7:46: Deion Branch scores the game's first touchdown. (Of course, I had Todd Steussie in my Super Bowl pool.)

7:48: I had a dream the other night where the MLS Cup was bigger than the Super Bowl. (Actually, to be more exact, I guess that would be a nightmare.)

7:51: Carolina's average starting field position, it appears to me, is its own end zone.

8:02: I tried using a hard count during a recent tax audit, but the IRS agent wouldn't bite.

8:14: Why would I pay $19.95 for the Lingerie Bowl when I can thumb through a Victoria's Secret catalog for free?

8:27: I mute the halftime show when I think I hear my wife yelling something from upstairs, then remember that she left several Super Bowls ago.

8:31: Nelly's on stage for, like, 90 seconds. What, did he have a bus to catch?

8:35: Justin Timberlake's the mystery musical guest? Get out! I was expecting Clint Holmes.

8:52: In an otherwise undistinguished life, I can now lay claim to watching all 38 Super Bowl telecasts and all 99 episodes of "Gilligan's Island."

9:03: A carpenter buddy of mine is going to custom-build a Rolling Rock tap into my coffee table.

9:27: I hated Phil Simms as a Giant. I love him as an analyst.

9:55: I could have sworn Jake Delhomme was a crossing guard a couple of years ago at the intersection where I'd make my weekly drop to the bookie.

9:58: Because of CBS Eye Vision, I got Lasix surgery in the fourth quarter.

10:07: Go figure we use Roman numerals for each Super Bowl; in ancient Rome, they used Arabic numerals for each Chariot Bowl.

10:26: Adam Vinatieri scores the game's winning points with four seconds left. (Of course, I had Steussie in my Super Bowl pool.)

10:26:15: The last time Bill Belichick got excited, he spilled Gerber's formula all over his baby hooded sweat shirt.

10:28: Actually, the Super Bowl was just the pregame for "Survivor: All-Stars." Go, Jerri!

Ask The Slouch Q. Could you kindly explain the NFL passer rating system? Who decided perfection is 158.3? Why not 98.6 or 5,280? (Steve Hammond, Crofton, Md.)

A. The 158.3 rating is derived by adding Joe Montana's average yards per game to Joe Theismann's average words spoken per hour, and multiplying that number to Joe Namath's blood-alcohol level.

Q. Why can't they move the Super Bowl to Saturday so we can stay up and watch the second half? (Peter Young, Longmeadow, Mass.)

A. The Super Bowl on Saturday? Then to what day would you move "Star Search"?

Q. With Joe Gibbs going back to the Redskins, I was wondering what it would take to get you to go back to one of your previous jobs? (John Ashburn, Indianapolis)

A. There's a big difference here; the Redskins wanted Gibbs to come back.

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