There's plenty of time to clown at this circus

JACKSONVILLE, Fla. -- Once, he was simply called "The Refrigerator." Only, retirement has helped him spread out even further -- east to west, mind you -- so greet William Perry by a more accurate name, "The Refrigerator and Double-Oven."

He's big -- and when something that big is moving anywhere near you, it's time to scatter as if you were in Spain for the running of the bulls. So there went 57 media members Tuesday, seeking any sort of shelter as Perry shuffled toward the podium. "I've got a question," he barked to Andy Reid and the Eagles coach proved he's a pussycat by focusing in.

Refrigerator and Double-Oven said: "Are you ticklish?"

I was in shock, totally deflated. That was the question I wanted to ask and the moment had been stolen.

It was the defining moment of the circus that is the countdown to any Super Bowl. At least it was Tuesday morning's defining moment, because defining moments come at every turn of the head during this spectacle. For example, just a few minutes later I glanced over my right shoulder to see someone dressed up in tights, adorned in an orange shirt, a green cape, and a black mask.

To Eagles tight end L.J. Smith, the masked man asked: "Besides earth, what is your favorite planet?"

Horrors and more shock. Another question I wanted to ask.

Two defining moments in less than 20 minutes.

Then came another, just before the end of the Eagles' media session. A reporter made a puppet by putting a helmet on his hand and queried the players. One member of the Eagles actually answered and a reporter behind me started to write it down. Then he stopped.

"I got the answer, but what did the puppet ask him?" he said to me.

I stared.

"Do you know you're writing down an answer to a question posed by a puppet?" I said. "Think about it: A man put a mini-helmet on his hand, did his little ventriloquist act, and you're prepared to record the answer as if it's a summation of the State of the Union?"

The man snarled. "Hey, if you don't want to tell me what the puppet asked, then don't," he said. "Keep your exclusive. There are plenty more puppets where he came from."

And dummies. Lots and lots and lots of dummies, I told myself.

This was well before a night's sleep had been halted by the sound of horns and the glare of lights and the whirl of a helicopter. A glance out the window of the Adam's Mark Hotel revealed that one of the cruise ships had docked. Bigger than Rhode Island but not as large as William "Refrigerator and Double-Oven" Perry, the Seven Seas Navigator was a blessing at a time of story deprivation.

"Permission to come aboard," I shouted, after rushing downstairs. Determined to beat puppets and masked reporters to the stories aboard this Love Boat, I didn't waste a second.

"Go away," a voice from the deck roared, but onward I pushed. Interview requests were requested for Gopher Smith or Julie McCoy or Dr. Adam Bricker or, most of all, Captain Merrill Stubing.

"You've got the wrong boat," the man said. "Either that or you've had too much Super Bowl punch."

"How about the usual cast of celebrities who rode `The Love Boat?' Meredith Baxter Birney or Barbi Benton? Dick Van Patten or Monty Hall? Adrienne Barbeau or Florence Henderson? Robert Reed? Karen Valentine? Surely, Charo must be there. She was always on `The Love Boat.' "

"Did you play a lot of football without a helmet?" the man asked.

He probably wouldn't have understood had I tried to explain, so off we went to another round of media interviews with the Eagles. It was at 8:09 a.m. Wednesday when the madness reached a new height. At perhaps the 37th Reid press conference in three days, 37,582 reporters officially ran out of topics and someone asked the coach about his assistant, Marty Mornhinweg.

Marty Mornhinweg? It's come to stories about Marty Mornhinweg? The same Marty Mornhinweg whose head coaching effort with the Detroit Lions resulted in a 5-27 mark? That Marty Mornhinweg?

A friend insisted I was just angry that Gopher and Julie McCoy weren't docked next door to my hotel, that it was totally acceptable to be writing about Marty Mornhinweg by Wednesday of pregame week. Even if it was in response to a question asked by a puppet.

The play

New England 26, Philadelphia 23 -- If this is the Super Bowl, it must be a winning kick at the buzzer by Adam Vinatieri.