There's a new lord of dance
"Let's go down to the field for the coin flip for the AFC Championship game."
"Good evening, gentlemen," said the referee, "I'd like to congratulate you for being here. Would the captains please shake hands with one another. And over here, I'd like you to shake hands with LaDainian Tomlinson."
"What's he doing here?" asked a Patriot.
"Mr. Tomlinson has been named director of dance. He'll determine which celebratory dances can and cannot be performed," said the referee.
"Who named him?" said a Colt.
"I did," said Emmitt Smith. "You remember me as the NFL's all-time leading rusher, but today I'm a champion dancer. Or didn't you watch 'Dancing with the Stars?' "
"Listen," said Tomlinson, taking out a notebook, "I just don't want any disrespect like last week. So, please, let's behave. You cannot do the 'Lights Out' dance this week, OK?"
"We've scrubbed that one," said a Patriot. "We've got a few others. Some of us favor the carioca, others like the hully gully."
"Nix those," said Tomlinson. "The carioca would be disrespectful to Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers. The hully gully? I believe the memory of John Belushi should be honored. He did a pretty good hully gully in 'The Blues Brothers.' "
"Are we OK with a variation of the Charleston?" asked a Colt.
"Could be a problem," said Tomlinson. "Can you demonstrate it?"
"I thought we were going to have the coin flip?" said a Patriot. "Why are we doing dance steps?"
"Zip it," said Smith, clapping his hands and grooving in step with the Colts. "LT doesn't want any disrespectful dances, unless they're done by a teammate, of course. Go on, LT."
The league's MVP and new director of dance watched a few Colts do a little of the Charleston and nodded his approval.
"Fine, then," said a Patriot. "Are we OK with the bossa nova?"
"The bossa nova?" exclaimed Smith. "You guys can do the bossa nova? Cool. I'd love that."
"It better not be too risqué," said Tomlinson. "Keep it respectful."
"Although," said a Colt, "some of my guys want to do the watusi."
"That could be dicey," said Tomlinson. "The watusi might be OK, but if they cross the line and do the batusi, I'll have 15-yard penalties for everyone."
"You mean the batusi like John Travolta and Uma Thurman in 'Pulp Fiction?' " said a Patriot.
"Wait a minute," said the referee, "that dance was the rage long before Travolta. How about Adam West as Batman shaking it up with Jill St. John?"
"That's when movies were movies," said Smith. "I loved when Robin would say things like, 'Holy hole in a doughnut.' "
"Right," said the referee, "but let's move along here. Are we all on the same page with the dances that you can and cannot do?"
"Here, take this," said Tomlinson. "It's a sheet with the do's and don'ts. To summarize, no way, no how can you do the twist. That's Chubby Checker, of course. I'm OK with the waltz, the fox trot, and the mashed potato, but don't let me catch anyone doing the Icky Shuffle or White Shoe's knee-flap boogie. I've got a call into Little Eva and Carole King, but I think the locomotion is copacetic. The polka gets a green light, so, too, does the cha-cha, but Emmitt has problems with the samba, rumba, and mambo."
"Too suggestive," said Smith. "And much too difficult. You'd surely make a mess of them, and how disrespectful would that be?"
"The tango?" asked a Patriot.
"No flowers in the teeth," said Tomlinson.
There was silence. Finally, the referee appeared pleased. "If there are no further questions," he said, "I'll assume we're in agreement as to what dances cannot be performed and I'll flip the coin."
"I almost forgot," said a Colt. "How about the chicken dance?"
"The chicken dance? It's my favorite," said LT, who couldn't contain himself. "Da-Da-Da-Da-Da-Da-Da, do the chicken cluck."
"Da-Da-Da-Da-Da-Da-Da, now flap your wings," said Smith, not missing a step.
"Da-Da-Da-Da-Da-Da-Da, and shake your tail feathers," said the referee.
And on they went, even the referee. They clapped. They grabbed a partner. Then they did it again. Tens of thousands of spectators inside the RCA Dome were up, clucking, flapping, shaking, and clapping.
The chicken dance. Respectfully done.
New Orleans at Chicago (-2 1/2) -- NFL Network honchos called. "Break down film of Chicago and New Orleans," someone barked. I spent two days studying and called back. "Chicago is very strong with 'Ferris Bueller's Day Off,' 'Uncle Buck,' 'Risky Business,' and, of course, one of the top five movies ever, 'The Sting.' Sadly, I'm not as smitten with New Orleans, although Lisa Bonet in 'Angel Heart' was intriguing. There's 'King Creole' and 'The Big Easy,' but overall, I give a huge edge to Chicago, especially with 'Chicago,' 'The Breakfast Club,' and 'A Raisin in the Sun' factored in." The NFL Network honcho cringed. "I meant film of football games, you nitwit." Pick: Bears.
Last week: 3-1.
Season: 128-121-8.
Jim McCabe can be reached at jmccabe@globe.com. 
