His living in a fantasy world over in no time
Embarrassed. There's no other word for it. The only male in North America not to be involved in a fantasy football league? That was me.
Until I was shamed into it, anyway.
I was told to be at the draft, and when I arrived, everyone stared. They couldn't believe I came without any of the equipment they lugged in - folders, binders, playbooks, binoculars, calculators, BlackBerrys, pagers, cellphones, media guides, wireless laptops, and tackling dummies.
Tackling dummies?
"In between picks, I love to slam into it, just to get in the mood," said one of my friends.
I told him there was treatment available, but he didn't hear me. The helmet was too tight, he said.
My friends laughed at my 8 x 11 piece of paper on which I had scribbled a dozen names, guys I had intentions of drafting. Miraculously, I drew the first pick and everyone screamed.
"Beginner's luck," said another friend, the one wearing the wireless
There was probably treatment for him, too, but I didn't bother. Besides, it was my pick.
"Go ahead, Mr. Lucky, take LT," said my friend, picking himself up off the dummy.
"I don't want LT," I said, and you would have thought I had suggested sushi instead of pizza. They were aghast.
"Who are you picking instead of LT?" they asked in unison.
"Gale Sayers," I said.
The room was so quiet, I thought I was at an NBA game.
"You know, don't you, that he doesn't play anymore?" another friend asked, the one who was wearing the eye black.
"Of course, I know that. But it's a fantasy team, isn't it?"
My friend whipped off his headset and tossed it down. I figured he was doing an imitation of Mike Ditka or something, but he was genuinely perturbed. "You can't pick Gale Sayers. That's ludicrous."
"The finest open-field runner the game has ever seen? It would be a dream come true to have him on my team, which is the idea of this, isn't it?"
Another friend cut short his conference call with his scouts in Fargo, N.D., and Lubbock, Texas, to join the fray. He hadn't explained why he was wearing shoulder pads, but whatever the reason, he was angry, too.
"Just who else is on your list here?" he said while pulling away my sheet of paper. He was disgusted as he read my list.
"Johnny Unitas, Floyd Little, Donny Anderson, Walter 'The Flea' Roberts . . ."
"Loved 'The Flea,' " I said. "Guy could run back kicks."
" . . . Cookie Gilchrist, Paul Warfield . . . "
"Warfield," I said. "Best wide receiver ever."
"But he doesn't play," my friend with the shoulder pads screamed. "Get it? He doesn't play. You can't get any points with him. This is serious stuff here and you're making a mockery of it."
My friend wearing the Tedy Bruschi shirt and Suzy Kolber button came out of his private war room, tapped me on the shoulder, and said, "I don't think you're quite ready for our fantasy league. It would be best if you leave."
Humiliated, I left quietly. I was back to being the only American male south of International Falls, Minn., who wasn't in a fantasy league.
But if I do join one, Ray Nitschke and Larry Wilson will be on my team. I promise you that.
The picks
New England (-6 1/2) at NY Jets - So Eric Mangini interrogated Reche Caldwell, eh? Little does he know that Caldwell is actually a double agent, still working for Bill Belichick. Pick: Patriots.
Miami at Washington (-3) - People are dumbfounded when five vehicles drive out and get into position as the Redskins' offensive line. A Tundra at center? Land Cruiser and Sequoia at guards? Sienna and Highlander at tackles? What's with that? Apparently, no one heard that Joe Gibbs has ditched Chevrolet racing and joined forces with
Atlanta at Minnesota (-3) - Six months ago, you would have been ridiculed if you suggested Marcus Vick had more character than his brother. Pick: Vikings.
Chicago at San Diego (-6) - Rematch of last year's Super Bowl teams . . . oops, sorry about that, Charger fans. Pick: Chargers.
Detroit at Oakland (-2 1/2) - Lane Kiffin is still trying to choose among Josh McCown, Daunte Culpepper, and Andrew Walter to handle the Raiders' quarterback duties. To relate to his dilemma, imagine asking your kids to pick Brussels sprouts, spinach, or turnips. Pick: Lions.
Pittsburgh (-4 1/2) at Cleveland - Romeo Crennel will go with Charlie Frye to throw. In another time, we'd sit at home, watch "Hollywood Squares," and go with Charlie Weaver to block. Pick: Browns.
Kansas City at Houston (-3) - Apparently, former Senator George Mitchell wants to interview 45 current and former major leaguers in his investigation into the use of performance-enhancing drugs. The players said they'd love to talk, as soon as they return from a shopping trip to Albany. Pick: Chiefs.
NY Giants at Dallas (-5 1/2) - Apparently, Tiki Barber had to retire so as to devote his full energies to ripping everyone associated with the Giants. He's started with Eli Manning and Tom Coughlin. He's also got some nasty things to say about Mel Ott and Ducky Medwick. Pick: Giants.
Denver (-3) at Buffalo - I'll be pulling for the Bills, so long as they play rookie defensive end C.J. Ah You, who is no relation to R.U. Hey You. Pick: Broncos.
Tampa Bay at Seattle (-6) - Matt Hasselbeck is in hot water with Seahawks fans for getting cozy with President Bush at a Republican fund-raiser in a diehard Democratic state. Hey, he majored in football, not political science, at Boston College. Pick: Seahawks.
Tennessee at Jacksonville (-6 1/2) - Shortly after naming Byron Leftwich his starting quarterback, Jaguars coach Jack Del Rio got rid of him. Way to show a commitment, Coach. Pick: Jaguars.
Carolina at St. Louis (-1) - You've heard that $65 million doesn't get you what it used to, haven't you? For proof, consider Marc Bulger. Nice quarterback, but really, $65 million? Pick: Rams.
Philadelphia (-3) at Green Bay - Brett Favre will be making his 238th consecutive regular-season start. Donovan McNabb is hoping he can play 238 consecutive minutes. Pick: Packers.
Baltimore at Cincinnati (-2 1/2) - It's the debut of "Monday Night Football." Or, with the Bengals playing, it could double as an episode of "America's Most Wanted." Pick: Bengals.
Arizona at San Francisco (-3) - Wait a minute. Two "MNF" games? This one at 10:15 our time? We should know by Wednesday what happened, which is plenty soon enough. Pick: 49ers. 