On timeouts, it?s time for them to do right
Demonstrating that there is justice - albeit small doses of it - in pro football, the Denver Broncos have lost three straight games since Snidely Whiplash tied poor Nell Fenwick to the railroad tracks back on Sept. 16.
Whiplash, of course, is Broncos coach Mike Shanahan. Fenwick, at least that week, was Lane Kiffin, who seemingly was en route to his high school prom when the Oakland Raiders asked him to be their head coach.
Well, it took just two weeks for Kiffin to play Fenwick to Shanahan's Whiplash. Thinking his team had won with a field goal in overtime, Kiffin rejoiced - only to discover seconds later that he had been duped. From the other side of the field, Whiplash, er Shanahan, at the last second had whispered, "Time out," into the ear of a nearby official. Sebastian Janikowski, successful from 52 yards on the kick that didn't count, was unsuccessful on the one that did.
Fiendish that it appeared to be, Whiplash was within the rules. Little did he know that he was also igniting a new wave of "freeze frame," and we're not talking classic rock by J. Geils. It's a new method by which you can ice the kicker. So what if his kick splits the uprights? It doesn't count, and to prove how contagious things have gotten, consider that one week after he got foiled, Kiffin pulled the trick on Romeo Crennel. Next thing you know, Florida coach Urban Meyer introduced it to the college ranks. In Monday's stunning loss to the Cowboys, even mild-mannered Dick Jauron resorted to it.
Good gracious, where is Dudley Do-Right when you need him?
Well, he may be closer than you think, because help is on the way for those who want to save pro football from this sort of nonsense. Here are just two of the many proposals I've forwarded to league offices:
1. Every officiating crew will have at least one member who wears two hearing aids, both of which can be turned off. Said official in the final two minutes will be moved to the sideline of the team that is leading. Imagine the scene at the end of that Sept. 16 game had this been the case. "I asked for a timeout," screamed Shanahan, flabbergasted that Janikowski's kick counted. "Gee, Coach, I thought you said it was nice out," said the official amid a mob of celebrating Raiders.
2. Timeouts can be trumped by timeins. For example, Shanahan pulls aside an official. Kiffin sees this and pulls over another official. Imagine the drama. Janikowski's kick is good, but 76,784 sets of eyes focus on the two officials at midfield. Finally, the referee announces, "After further review, the Broncos did call time out, but the Raiders made a better offer, two timeins, so the ruling on the field stands. The kick is good." Ties go to the timeouts, so if a coach offers two timeouts, the opposing coach would need three timeins to trump it. Coaches would get five timeouts and four timeins at the start of any game, and you could carry over no more than two unused ones to the next game. Sure, this would increase the number of coaches "whispering" into the ears of an official, but it adds a "The Price is Right" wrinkle that is sure to entertain.
The picks
New England (-5 1/2) at Dallas - NFL commissioner Roger Goodell promises that he'll soon be squared away on Tank Johnson's disciplinary problems. Then the mess that is Pacman Jones will have his undivided attention. Only after those issues are handled will he be able to address the dilemmas involving Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan. Pick: Cowboys.
Cincinnati (-3) at Kansas City - The Chiefs ran for a grand total of 10 yards last week. They rank 32d in rushing, 28th in offense, and 30th in points per game. There's so little excitement at Arrowhead Stadium, in fact, that the cheerleaders and scoreboard operators have been offered buyouts. Pick: Bengals.
Houston at Jacksonville (-6 1/2) - Each of these cities hosted a Super Bowl the Patriots won. That doesn't have a thing to do with anything, of course. Neither does the fact that I once thought that the Partridge Family could really rock, especially with Shirley Jones on tambourine. Pick: Jaguars.
Philadelphia (-3) at New York Jets - Wow, if the Jets drop this one and fall to 1-5, imagine the difficult task for Suzyn Waldman as she conducts a postgame interview with beleaguered Eric Mangini. Like Joe Torre, Mangini has done nothing but make the playoffs every season he's been a head coach in New York. "This is rough," Waldman will struggle to say through a flood of tears. "He just told me it's been the best 12 months of his life." Pick: Jets.
Miami at Cleveland (-4 1/2) - The Dolphins have gone from (Trent) Green to (Cleo) Lemon at quarterback, when what they desperately need are guys in the backfield like Red (Grange) and (Whizzer) White. Pick: Dolphins.
St. Louis at Baltimore (-9 1/2) - Referee Gerry Austin had to respond to questions by a pool reporter in the aftermath of questionable calls that cost the Rams last week's game against the Cardinals. Why it was done poolside is beyond me, but naturally the pool reporter had to first bring the referee a piña colada and a towel. Pick: Rams.
Carolina at Arizona (-4) - Panthers quarterback Jake Delhomme is out for the season, having undergone "Tommy John" surgery. We presume that means he'll come back as a southpaw with a nasty sinker. Pick: Panthers.
New Orleans at Seattle (-6 1/2) - Some guys win "Comeback Player of the Year" honors. Then there are those such as Drew Brees, being touted by Saints fans as "Go Back Player of the Year." As in, go back to San Diego. Pick: Seahawks.
Tennessee at Tampa Bay (-3) - The Buccaneers held the ball for a mere 90 seconds in the third quarter of last week's game in Indianapolis. The good news is, quarterback Jeff Garcia's wristband playcard is in impeccable shape. Pick: Titans.
Washington at Green Bay (-3) - How about the Redskins unleashing Mike Sellers, a seldom-used, 284-pound fullback on the Lions last week? Of course, he was seldom used because they couldn't fit him through the team's locker room door. Pick: Packers.
Minnesota at Chicago (-5) - To commemorate the first NFL game in which running backs named Adrian Peterson would face one another (No. 28 for the Vikings, No. 29 for the Bears for those of you keeping score at home), citizens from Adrian, Ill., and Adrian Township, Minn., will join in a tailgating party before the game. Guests of honor will include Adrian Belew, Adrian Dantley, Adrian Moorhouse, Yo! Adrian from "Rocky" fame, and Adrienne Barbeau. Pick: Bears.
Oakland at San Diego (-9 1/2) - The thought occurs, if ZZ Top were a football team, they'd be the Oakland Raiders. Pick: Raiders.
New York Giants (-3 1/2) at Atlanta - Rough week for Michael Vick. First, an arbitrator rules he has to repay the Falcons nearly $20 million in bonus money. Then, his jersey is removed from his high school trophy case. There is good news, however. If Vick chooses to watch the ALCS on Fox, he won't be subjected to those insufferable "Frank TV" promotions on TBS. Pick: Giants.
Last week: 5-9.
Season: 32-38-5. 