Patriots-Jets? Just call this game a tossup
In an effort to control the hostility and ill will, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell has ordered referees to hold five coin flips at the start of Sunday's Jets-Patriots game at Gillette Stadium.
Coin flip No. 1: Positioning of team video cameras. "The Jets have called tails," said the referee. "It's heads. New England has won the toss."
"We'll film from the end zone camera spots," said a Patriots captain.
"OK, then the Jets can film only from locations clearly marked, down at the Red Wing Diner."
Coin flip No. 2: Directors in charge of camera shots. "The Patriots have called heads. It's tails. New York has won the toss."
"Spielberg," shouts a Jets captain. "We have Steven Spielberg. Loves the Hamptons. Big New York guy."
"And the Patriots?" asked the referee.
"You can have Spielberg. We have Ben Affleck. He's our film guy."
Coin flip No. 3: Snack time. "The commissioner wants to circumvent any anger, so there'll be a makeshift fireplace in the runway between the locker rooms at halftime so all players and coaches can unite in a peaceful setting. Please call the flip to choose the snack."
"Heads," said a Jets captain.
"Heads it is," said the referee.
"We'll take cocoa and popcorn," said the Jets captain.
"First of all, it's hot chocolate, not cocoa, and you don't mix popcorn and hot chocolate," said a Patriots captain. "Make it hot chocolate and cookies right out of the oven."
"But we won the toss," said the Jets captain.
"I'm afraid he's right," said the referee. "The Patriots will have to settle for cocoa and popcorn."
Coin flip No. 4: Postgame peace pipe. "New England can call this one: Either Dr. Phil or Oprah will moderate the group hugs and handshakes after the game. The commissioner would like added layers of genuineness, just to win over those reporters and columnists who think we should hand out trophies and call everyone a winner, you know, like youth sports leagues."
The New England captain was speechless.
"I'll take that as a heads," said the referee. "It's tails. The Jets win the toss."
"We'll take Dr. Phil. We love Dr. Phil," said the Jets captain. "In fact, we'd like him to coach, too. You wouldn't see Dr. Phil calling for a field goal when we're losing by 5 points and less than three minutes to play. And I doubt he'd call for onside kicks every 30 seconds."
The New England captain remained speechless.
Coin flip No. 5: The game. "OK, captains. That takes care of the diplomacy. Now, for the toss to start the game."
He was about to tell the Patriots to make the call, but the Jets captain interrupted.
"The game? I was afraid it would come to this. Couldn't we just go right to the cocoa and popcorn?"
The picks
New York Jets at New England (-23) - How prepared are the Patriots? When you see Shelby Scott standing in the end zone, bundled up with a headset communicating with New England coaches, you'll know they've turned to the best. Pick: Patriots.
Cincinnati (-8) at San Francisco - With Alex Smith out for the year and Trent Dilfer recovering from a concussion, the 49ers will go with Shaun Hill at quarterback. As an insurance policy, they have signed Chris Weinke, but only because Steve Bono and Steve DeBerg didn't answer the phone and Steve Spurrier has a job. Pick: 49ers.
Philadelphia at Dallas (-10 1/2) - Unbelievable, but Tony Romo really is dating Jessica Simpson. He even went home to have Thanksgiving dinner with her family. How cool is that? He got to share turkey and hang out with Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa, and Maggie. Pick: Cowboys.
Atlanta at Tampa Bay (-13 1/2) - Let's see, Michael Vick pleads guilty to heinous crimes and a teammate named Roddy White wears a T-shirt that reads: "Free Michael Vick." Apparently the "I Am a Complete Nitwit" T-shirt was in the wash. Pick: Bucs.
Washington at NY Giants (-4 1/2) - Stunning enough that Todd Collins came off the bench to throw for a pair of touchdowns. More shocking was one of them going to a player named Yoder, although it is believed that Obi-Wan Kenobi was the intended target. Pick: Giants.
Jacksonville at Pittsburgh (-3 1/2) - Remember, you have about 48 hours to call Anthony Smith's hotline for this week's prediction guarantee. Operators are standing by. Pick: Jaguars.
Baltimore (-3 1/2) at Miami - A team with no wins can beat a team with no heart and no character. Pick: Dolphins.
Seattle (-7 1/2) at Carolina - Disheartening news out of the Pacific Northwest. The Seahawks have cut long snapper Boone Stutz. That's right, cruise down the Seattle roster and there are no Ifs, Ands, or Stutz. Pick: Seahawks.
Tennessee (-4) at Kansas City - The Chiefs are 4-9 and have lost six in a row. Coach Herm Edwards says, "Blame me, OK?" General manager Carl Peterson says, "At the end of the day, the buck stops here." Warpaint, the legendary pinto horse mascot, says: "Not my problem. I've been gone since 1989, replaced by a silly guy dressed up in a wolf's costume. I won championships. What has he ever won?" Pick: Titans.
Buffalo at Cleveland (-5 1/2) - Here are two towns with a citizenry that would join us in asking: "How are you enjoying shoveling that global warming off your driveway these days?" Pick: Bills.
Green Bay (-9 1/2) at St. Louis - With 11 players on injured reserve, including seven starters, the Rams have a bit of a health care crisis, which is why this game is of interest to political candidates. In fact, somewhere you will probably hear, "I'm John Edwards and I approved this message." Pick: Packers.
Indianapolis (-10 1/2) at Oakland - This will be Peyton Manning's first game in Oakland in front of the disturbing "Black Hole" fans. Hopefully, he's had the required shots. Pick: Colts.
Arizona at New Orleans (-3 1/2) - Each team is 6-7, which appears to be a perfect matchup. That brings me to gas and coffee. Who would ever have imagined such a matchup, but sure enough, it's now mandated by Congress that a gas station/coffee shop be located every 10 miles. Pick: Saints.
Detroit at San Diego (-10) - The Lions at one time were 6-2. The Chargers at one time were 2-4. The dinosaurs at one time ruled the Earth. Crazy how things change, huh? Pick: Chargers.
Chicago at Minnesota (-10) - The Bears have signed Babatunde Oshinowo off the practice squad. That calls for a toast. Eggnog for everyone. Pick: Vikings.
Last week: 8-7
Season: 92-118-7. 