Job openings are usually classified info

WARREN MOONA beaten man

By 9:40 a.m., the woman at the main desk of Gillette Stadium had run out of visitor's tags. She reached for a pile of worthless Patriots stock certificates that had been lying around since the late 1960s, cut them into 4 x 3 pieces, and was in the process of making name tags out of them when yet another stranger walked in.

"Can I help you?" she asked.

"I'm here for the job opening," said the man.

"There is no job opening," said the lady. "But you probably won't take my word for it. The other 18 didn't. So, if you'll give me your name, I'll direct you to the waiting room."

"Moon," he said. "Warren Moon."

"OK, Moon Warren Moon," said the receptionist, "here's your tag, and the door's right there. Go sit with the others."

"Could you prepare me for when I open that door," he asked. "Who arrived before me?"

She checked her clipboard.

"Gentleman named Don Strock was here at 7:35. Dave Krieg, Hugh Millen, Bob Avellini, and Steve DeBerg weren't far behind," she said.

"You've gotta be kidding me. They think this is the '80s? No competition there. Go on," he said.

"There were two young guys. Brothers, I think. Or maybe cousins. Detmers, they told me . . ."

"Ty and Koy," said Moon.

"You know them?"

"Every starting quarterback like myself knows the Detmers. They backed up everybody, everywhere. I'm not surprised they've come."

"Mike Phipps, Rich Gannon, Steve Pelluer. They showed up around 9:05. Gary Danielson got here right after them, followed by Vince Evans, Bobby Hebert . . ."

"Bobby Hebert," screamed Moon. "He's almost as old as I am, but he can't move like I still can."

"Doesn't matter, because as I told you, there's no job opening . . ."

"Who else?" he demanded.

"Guy named Babe Laufenberg, Timm Rosenbach, Jay Schroeder, Oliver Luck . . ."

"Oliver Luck?" Moon said with a laugh. "Oliver Luck was my backup in Houston. Ain't no way he's going to get this job over me. When did he get here?"

"Twelve minutes ago," said the receptionist, looking at her watch. "Right before you. No, wait. One other came in after Mr. Luck, but before you. Guy named Frank Reich."

Again, Moon stopped. Only this time he didn't laugh. Instead, he appeared gripped by fear.

"Frank Reich is here? Are you sure?"

The receptionist confirmed it was Reich, and Moon dropped his head and walked toward the door, mumbling something about a playoff game in 1993, a 35-3 lead, and a comeback of epic proportions.

"No desire to go up against Reich again," said Moon. "I'm headed to Tennessee. I heard Vince Young is hurt."

The picks
New England at NY Jets (-1 1/2) - We trust Brett Favre has been warned against any sort of "Lambeau Leap" at the Meadowlands. Touchdown or not, New York fans would more than likely try to pick his pocket and steal his helmet. Pick: Patriots.

Baltimore at Houston (-4 1/2) - With Hurricane Ike headed toward parts of Texas, evacuation orders could be in effect. Of course, the State of Football supersedes the State of Emergency, so don't expect folks to evacuate until the games are over. Pick: Texans.

Buffalo at Jacksonville (-5 1/2) - The Jaguars will rely on two backups at guard, Uche Nwaneri and Tutan Reyes. Tutan? Not since the Stooges went to Cairo in search of King Rootin-Tootin have we heard a name like that. Pick: Bills.

NY Giants (-8 1/2) at St. Louis - The Rams appear to be headed for a tough season, but these things happen. Just ask the Bulgarian women. They lost, 82-0, in an Olympic ice hockey qualifier to Slovakia. Even worse, how about me? I had Bulgaria, getting 79 1/2 goals - and still lost. Pick: Giants.

Miami at Arizona (-6 1/2) - Don't look now, but Arizona could be 2-0 for the first time since the McKinley Administration. Pick: Cardinals.

Tennessee at Cincinnati (-1) - I'm OK with the name change to Ocho Cinco, so long as his teammate goes with Ocho Cuatro, which is a lot easier than T.J. Houshmandzadeh. Pick: Bengals.

Green Bay (-3) at Detroit - The Packers have Atari Bigby, which gets me to thinking about "Daktari" and how Clarence The Cross-Eyed Lion was of great character and oh, how he'd be so hurt by what has become of his fellow Lions. Pick: Lions.

Oakland at Kansas City (-3 1/2) - Signed for $70 million, DeAngelo Hall made his Raiders debut Monday night. The details: two 15-yard personal foul calls within three plays on a night when rookie Eddie Royal torched him for 9 catches, 146 yards, and 1 touchdown. Editors for the "Guinness Book of World Records" confirm that it's the highest price ever paid for a piece of toast. Pick: Chiefs.

Chicago at Carolina (-3) - Having defeated the Colts, the Bears' Kyle Orton declared, "We are a three-phase football team." I heard that and it brought tears to my eyes. "Honey, quick, come see this, a three-phase team," I said to the wife. "How delightful," she said. "I'm sort of three-phase, too. I'm doing laundry, then I'll drive the kids to their friends' house, and I'll cook dinner." Honestly, this was about Orton and the Bears, and she twisted it around to make it about her. Pick: Panthers.

Indianapolis (-2) at Minnesota - The Colts' top draft pick, offensive lineman Mike Pollack, has undergone arthroscopic surgery on his knee, but general manager Bill Polian did not say which knee. That's OK. A high-placed team source, who was working late into the evening to sort out all of Peyton Manning's TV commercials, said it was "either the left knee or the right knee." There you have it. Pick: Colts.

San Francisco at Seattle (-7) - Seahawks quarterback Matt Hasselbeck confirms he has a bulging disk in his back, but brushes it off. He says 85 percent of us do, too. Yeah, but he has 13 wide receivers on IR; don't tell me we all have that, too. Pick: Seahawks.

New Orleans at Washington (Even) - Saints defensive tackle Antwan Lake got hurt in last week's win over the Buccaneers, but he hasn't had much to say about the injury. Neither has his brother, Swan, who quietly goes leaping and dancing along. Pick: Saints.

Atlanta at Tampa Bay (-7) - Jeff Garcia sat out the preseason with a right calf injury, then he hurt his pinkie, and now his ankle is a sore spot. On a bright note, his cholesterol level is OK. Pick: Bucs.

San Diego (-1 1/2) at Denver - Having lasted one game into his foolhardy attempt to play despite torn ligaments in his left knee, Shawne Merriman will duck into a phone booth to change out of his cape and tights to have surgery - but only if he can do it himself. Pick: Broncos.

Pittsburgh (-6) at Cleveland - The Steelers have won nine in a row over the Browns, 15 of 16, and 22 of 25. We haven't seen domination like this since Yodels crushed Twinkies as the snack of choice with my junior high colleagues. Pick: Browns.

Philadelphia at Dallas (-7) - Wade Phillips on newly signed third-string quarterback Brooks Bollinger: "A fairly young guy that's got some experience." Translation: "Never met him. I imagine he's the guy in the cap back there, holding the clipboard, and checking out the cheerleaders." Pick: Eagles.

Last week: 5-10.