Chicago's best comedy club

That, folks, is why the hockey gods invented the laugh track that is the Blackhawks franchise.

Owned by the Wirtz family, the once-proud Original Six club has not won a Stanley Cup since the spring of 1961, but the comic theater of the last couple of weeks has made Wirtz & Co. the early favorite for a pocketful of Tony (sans Esposito) Awards. OK, maybe no one in Chicago is laughing, but it's hard to say, because no one goes to the games anymore.

The cavalcade of laughs began again only a couple of weeks into the new season when Top Hawk Bill Wirtz dusted off old friend Bob Pulford to sort out the ongoing rift between general manager Mike Smith and head coach Brian Sutter. We know who wins those wars, right? Normally, the GM stays put and the coach is sent packing, or perhaps even a workable peace is negotiated -- you know, sensible adults setting aside egos and focusing on the job.

Not in the hilarity that is Hawkland. Three years into propping up and turning around the sinking party boat, Smith was the one ditched. Smith had a vision, an approach, and an eye for talent (admittedly Euro-based, and that can be a dicey sell in select North American pockets). Just as Smith's work, much of it centered on trimming back payroll and infusing kids (another large risk), looked as if it might pay off, he was told to clean out his desk.

On his way out the door, Smith said little. He has learned to be diplomatic, after being dismissed as Winnipeg's GM and later losing a power struggle in the Toronto front office (the course chosen by those two franchises in his wake should gurantee him NHL work for life). Upon leaving, Smith did say he would spend time traveling the world, might take the train from London to Hong Kong.

"Or someone said the place to go is Hanoi," said Smith. "It hasn't changed in the last 50 years."

If he looks up at the center of downtown Hanoi, he might feel he's staring at the United Center.

But wait, more laughs followed. With Smith and most of his minions turfed -- including local sharp-eyed, New England-based scout Joe Yannetti -- Wirtz and Pulford, hockey's Oliver and Hardy, went the retro route again and called in Dale Tallon from the broadcast booth. It was the start of Tallon's 17th year in the Hawk booth, a tour interrupted only by the four years (1998-2002) he spent in the front office as director of player personnel.

The 50-year-old Tallon, a potential franchise draft pick who never panned out, soon was saying that he had been assured by Pulford that he was on a fast track to be GM, his new gig essentially a continuation of his interrupted apprenticeship. Hearing that, Pulford blustered to the contrary, telling the media that Tallon, in effect, was keeping a seat warm until the new GM was named. The leader in the race, from the second Smith was turfed, was thought to be ex-Sharks GM Dean Lombardi. Now a scout for the Flyers, Lombardi also is Pulford's son-in-law. How cozy.

Within hours of Pulford's portrayal of Tallon's role being made public, Wirtz chirped up, issuing a release that stated Tallon indeed had the "tools and attributes to be a GM in the very near future" and that Wirtz would "fully expect him to be the next GM."

Wirtz and Pullie should fess up here and admit that they've abandoned all idea of running the Hawks as a hockey team and now are doing business as a comedy stop. Why is it that every time I look at that old proud Indian head on the front of the Hawks sweater, he seems to be winking and rolling his eyes?

Available again

Mike Keenan lost his feud with GM Rick Dudley and was fired last weekend in Florida, an abrupt end to his seventh coaching tour. Nearly two years ago to the day, Panthers owner Alan Cohen said, "I want the next 15 years of Mike." They must live dog years in Sunrise. Keenan, though, will have to be paid the $2.5 million left on his deal. He didn't have to work before he took over the Kitty Kats, and he has to work even less now. But there's no mentioning Keenan without adding -- ta-da! -- the however clause: He would be a very cheap hire now for some club desperate to shake off the doldrums here in the death march toward September's labor meltdown. Keenan likes challenges, and there isn't a greater challenge in today's game than trying to get even 30-cents-on-the-dollar's worth out of Jaromir Jagr in Washington. Never mind the game. It would be worth the price of admission just to see Coach K and Jags rub elbows on the bench. And it would be worth twice the price to see Keenan and Jags do the same on the Ranger bench . . . The emergence of a couple of kids, Trent Hunter and Sean Bergenheim, led the Islanders to place Jason Wiemer on waivers. "Strictly business," said GM Mike Milbury, happy to trim Wiemer's $1.6 million from the payroll when the Wild claimed the former first-round pick (No. 8, Tampa Bay, '94). Desperate to add size, the Wild could have a nice fit there with the 6-1/225-pound Wiemer tutored by Jacques Lemaire . . . Former Bruins assistant coach Peter Laviolette, just back from Germany after winning the Deutschland Cup gold medal in his first job as head coach behind a Team USA bench, would like to remain in the Yanks' loop for international play. "I'd wanted to do it for years," said Laviolette, reached Friday at his home on Long Island. "It's just that the timing never worked out before, because I was always working." Captain of the '94 US Olympic squad at the Lillehammer Games, Laviolette was dismissed as the Islanders head coach after last season and remains committed to getting back to the NHL. In the meantime, he's also offering commentary once a week during NHL.com radio games, and is hoping to team up with WBZ's Dave Goucher for an NHL.com game before the year is out . . . Demoted to the minors last year by the Canadiens, ex-Bruin Mariusz Czerkawski has made a nice turnaround with the Islanders. He scored again last night and has 11 goals, 16 points in 16 games . . . Signed away from Washington as a free agent, defenseman Ken Klee is having a career year on offense for Toronto, on track for 36 points. Meanwhile, the Sabres were hoping Andy Delmore, picked up from Nashville, would give them a boost at the point on the power play. As of Friday, he had played in only 11 games, and had but one assist.

Keeping the keeper

Similar to the decision the Bruins faced with keeping Patrice Bergeron on the roster, the Penguins last week had to decide whether to stay with Marc-Andre Fleury in net or send him back to junior hockey. He stayed put, and got hammered in his 11th outing of the year. He is guaranteed at least $1.25 million in base pay this season. He'll also pick up $4 million in bonus money if he reaches only two of the following six incentives: 1. 20 wins; 2. 3.25 goals-against; 3. .890 save percentage; 4. 1,800 minutes played; 5. four shutouts; 6. top three in Rookie of the Year voting. Pricey, indeed. But with hints out there that Mario Lemieux's injuries may force him to retire again, imagine the challenging sell the Penguins would be without the icon and the goalie? . . . Jeff Jillson shows some dynamite flashes, and maybe those bursts will turn into true, consistent offensive presence back there someday soon. For now, though, the Bruins sure could use more puck-rushing from the back end . . . For those who missed it, Joe Thornton's exact words to TSN reporter Gino Reda early last week were: "I look back on it with thoughts that this might be my last year. It's not worth the pain. My back is killing me, and things like that -- it's just not worth the ordeal." This is Thornton's seventh year in the league, and he's entitled to say whatever he wants, and I have no doubt what he said was just as stupid as some of the things I say when I'm frustrated. But don't do Reda the injustice of saying he put words in Jumbo Joe's mouth. Thornton said those words. He'll have to live with them. And if his back is hurting -- and that, too, I wouldn't doubt for a second -- then his trade value took a pretty good hit. Remember, Thornton is making a base salary of $5.5 million this year. Another 100-point season could bring him upward of $9 million if he ends up in arbitration next August. The things he says and the money he makes could lead Thornton elsewhere long before anyone expected. It happened to Phil Esposito, and his resume then was a lot better than Thornton's is now . . . One way to open up the NHL game, Hall of Famer Pat LaFontaine said recently, would be to add 7 feet to the standard width of rinks, from 85 to 92 feet. "I think it would give everyone that extra room to make a play, and skate," he said. The new Agganis rink at Boston University, set to open in January '05, will be 90 feet, per order of head coach Jack Parker. "The big Olympic sheets, 200-by-100, are too much -- the game on that is almost like soccer," said Parker. "They've got it at 90 feet at Northeastern, and really, it's ideal. It opens the game up, but things are still tight enough for forechecking, for bumping. At the same time, I think it will cut down on injuries, too." . . . TSN reported late in the week that Theo Fleury, who initially was eligible to apply for reinstatement to the NHL on Oct. 11, never put in his papers -- because he dropped out of the NHL/NHLPA-operated substance abuse program . . . It's rare to see a rookie connect for a hat trick these days, but Matt Lombardi popped in three for Calgary Wednesday as Darryl Sutter's Flames tattooed Brian Sutter's Hawks, 6-2. Picked 215th overall in the 2000 draft by the Oilers, Lombardi didn't sign and reentered the draft two years later, and was selected 90th overall by the Flames.

Combination punch

Can't say I remember the last time the Bruins had a jawbreaker with Sandy McCarthy's presence and, well, panache. The big guy actually has a twirl or two in his game. He makes last season's Krzysztof Oliwa dalliance all the more laughable, and it was pretty funny to begin with . . . Brothers Joe and Gavin Maloof, owners of the NBA's Sacramento Kings, could be ready to purchase the Mighty Ducks from the Disney empire (asking price: $150 million). Meanwhile, Joe Maloof has been saying publicly that the Ducks stand to lose upward of $15 million this year . . . Most of the Bruins fans I talked to last week found Jeremy Jacobs to be, for the most part, difficult to understand and evasive when answering caller's questions during his one-hour radio appearance. Isn't that what the on-ice product has been here for 10 years-plus? All but a recluse for his nearly 30 years of ownership, Jacobs deserves credit for putting his chin out there now. If he's ever going to change his image in this town, only he can do that -- not his son, Charlie, not Harry Sinden, Mike O'Connell, Rich Krezwick, the backup Zamboni driver, or, least of all, the media . . . Good to see that Ed Jovanovski, here last night with the Canucks, didn't have serious trouble with the charley horse he sustained about 10 days ago. Following the troubles of Cam Neely and Bill Guerin, awareness regarding these injuries is more acute. Early last week, Canucks doctors didn't want Jovanovski flying from Vancouver to Minnesota for fear that induced swelling could aggravate the injury . . . Former Bruins first-round pick Stephane Quintal has had to sit out a few Habs games because of an irregular heartbeat. Provided doctors say it's OK to get back on skates, the Q should play in his 1,000th NHL game before the year is out . . . Cammi Granato, star of the US women's ice hockey team at Nagano (gold) and Salt Lake (silver), is stationed these days in Vancouver, where she gets to spend time with close pal Ray Ferraro. Granato was going to play for the Vancouver Griffins, in the National Women's Hockey League, but a mandate by Hockey Canada over the summer prevented NWHL rosters from having more than two Americans per team. Rather than kowtow to anti-Yank sentiment, the Griffins suspended operations in the 10-team league. Meanwhile, team president Phillip DeGrandpre, who also chairs the league's expansion committee, would love to see a few Eastern US clubs enter the mix. The franchise fee is about 15,000 US dollars. "Right now," lamented DeGrandpre, "once a woman finishes her NCAA career in the States, there really are limited options for her to continue playing. I'd love to see some teams in the New York-Boston area."

Material from personal interviews, wire services, other beat writers, and league and team sources was used in this report.

Play that funky music

"As an organization, we're in a funk." -- Dallas general manager Doug Armstrong, following the Stars' fourth straight loss -- their worst skid since 1996. Owner Tom Hicks isn't pleased that a $67.5 million payroll, third-highest in the league, doesn't appear to be playoff-worthy.If they clear the track,

will they see Eddie Shack?

Save yourself the double-take around 3 p.m. today when you see a Zamboni making its way across the Zakim Bridge. Bruins rookie standouts Andrew Raycroft and Patrice Bergeron will be at the wheel for the taping of a commercial to promote the Bruins' "Invest in Youth" license plates.

A Bulldog in China

"He's so far out there, I think he's playing in China, or right next door." -- Team USA coach Peter Laviolette, whose Yankee squad at the recent Deutschland Cup included goalie Alex Westlund, a 1999 Yale graduate who is playing for a second year in Russia this season. Compiled by Kevin Paul Dupont