I had an epiphany last night. It's high time I switched careers.
Yes folks, I have decided to enter the wild, wacky world of advertising.
I have to admit, I've played with the idea ever since the realization that a big-time ad agency somehow sold the Bruins on the ridiculous "…it's called…" campaign and followed that up with Archie the wonder dog, who walks into a bar and changes the channel to catch the game, only to be berated by the other patrons. So, this mutt upsets the rest of the folks who apparently don't want to watch the Bruins? That's really selling your product. I can do better than that. Heck, Archie the wonder dog can do better than that.
But after watching another crop of Super Bowl commercials, I'm sure of it. I'm an ad guy now.
How hard can it be? I mean you toss some monkeys together and call it a night. Spice it up every now and then. Sit down with some frat boys to see what they'd like to see in selling light beer. Check the calendar periodically and see if the Muppets have filled their quota of one commercial per year. Even I couldn't screw up Burger King's dance number disaster of a commercial.
More monkeys. More of The King running naked bootlegs. It's that simple.
As for the game itself, using the Patriots' Super Bowl scale (1986 being a one, 1997 a five, and 2004 a 10), I'd say XL was about a six. Sloppy play and questionable calls highlighted the Steelers' 21-10 win over the Seahawks, much of it spent by myself surfing the 'Net desperately trying to discover where Jerome Bettis grew up.
Quote of the night belonged to Bill Belichick. After breaking down films on ABC's pregame show, Mike Tirico told the coach he might have a future one day as a TV analyst. "I don't think I could switch over to the dark side," the Patriots coach responded.
It was, however, rivaled by Steelers fan Pat O'Neill, who told the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette before the game, "I'm going to get hammered."
It was sort of odd seeing Tom Brady summoned for the official coin toss, the first active player to do so, and one has to wonder just how comfortable he was doing it. He won't be relaxing in a matter of days for sure, confirming this weekend that he is indeed due to have surgery for a hernia injury.
Speaking of Brady…well, apparently there are two Tom Bradys out there. One is the New England quarterback, the other, a Hollywood imposter who's been cavorting around with Bridget Moynihan. Brady's "wife" sets the record straight. I'm not too sure how to classify this nut job's case, so judge for yourself.
See that nifty segment when all the former Super Bowl MVPs came walking out onto the field? (If that stunt double theory were true, then Brady could have walked out twice.) One MVP not in attendance was Joe Montana (who was kind enough to grace us with his presence in ABC's problematic Dr. Seuss opener), the only three-time recipient of the award. Why? He reportedly requested $100,000 from the NFL for appearing.
Today's San Francisco Chronicle points out: "The former MVPs were guaranteed $1,000 for incidental expenses while in Detroit. The NFL also provided each former Super Bowl MVP with two first-class airplane tickets, a hotel room, a Cadillac for the weekend, two tickets to the game, two tickets to the Friday night commissioner's party, two tickets to a Saturday night party and two tickets to a Sunday tailgate party. There also were opportunities for paid appearances arranged by the NFL."
Oh. Is that all? Montana reportedly needed $100,000. Joe Namath likely just wanted a guarantee he could cozy up with Suzy Kolber on the sideline.
Matt Hasselbeck probably just wanted a guarantee that his tight end could just actually catch a ball.
Yes, it was indeed a blow for Seahawks fans, one they'll get over in about six minutes. Marc Ramirez of The Seattle Times writes, "The last two weeks have felt strange, like an outfit we weren't sure how to put on. Were we really a football town? In the end, we believed it was true."
If you have to ask, I'd guess no.
Want further proof? While you were either dialing up the local pizza joint or hitting the crazed supermarket for the last bag of Buffalo wings yesterday afternoon, the Seattle Post-Intelligencer caught up with some fans at Costco, where Jeremy Robertson pointed out, "You never can have too many fruit roll-ups."
Whoa, buddy. Slow down. Not so rowdy.
Steeler Nation, meanwhile, is a whole heck of a lot like Red Sox Nation, with fans displaced across the country and around the world. That includes Turin, where fans getting ready for the Olympics caught the game.
In the "where have we seen this before" category, Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger will be getting his playoff beard shaved off tonight on David Letterman, an event sponsored by Gillette. You'll remember the Boston-based company did the same when Johnny Damon had a Prudential barber session back in 2004.
This is of course to promote the company's new five-blade Fusion razor. Eh. Call me when we get to seven.
The Rolling Stones played last night, too. About as well as Jerramy Stevens.
In the end, the Steelers became one of only three teams with five Super Bowl titles, joining the 49ers and Cowboys. Gary Myers of the New York Daily News sees Dallas getting to Super Bowl XLI in search of No. 6. Against the Patriots.
"It will be the Patriots vs. the Cowboys in Super Bowl XLI, Bill Belichick versus Bill Parcells, Tom Brady versus Drew Bledsoe. Parcells and Belichick matching up in the Super Bowl would give the definitive answer to the ultimate question: Who is the better coach? Parcells made it to three Super Bowls, winning two, all with Belichick on his staff, but has never made it without him. Belichick is 3-0 in Super Bowls without Parcells. It would be a dream matchup. They're even talking to each other again after the nasty divorce with the Jets."
Dream indeed. Now THAT might even provide enough story lines for the preceding week.
You won't hear any from me though. I'll be too busy directing the monkeys for next year's commercials.