It’s 8 o’clock Saturday night and I tune in to TBS for my favorite comedy, “The Steve Harvey Show.” I get most of the way through a really good episode when suddenly, it gets pre-empted for Red Sox-Tampa Bay ALCS Game 6. What the heck! Now I’ll never
know how that story ends.
TBS reported that two circuit breakers being tripped caused the delay in coverage. Circuit breakers? Well, throw on your slippers, grab a flashlight, and get down to the basement. I’m watching “The Jeffersons” over here!
Show me the money!
As the world’s financial institutions melted down last week, I thanked God for sports as a diversion. I watched the Sox come back from the dead in Game 5, only to open my retirement-account statement and discover that I now have a 201(k). Quicker than Dustin Pedroia can turn a double play, I converted my remaining equities into cash, contacted an international real estate agent and bought Iceland for 80 bucks. You’re all invited over to watch the game in Reykjavik, munch on some grilled penguin, and go volcanic hot-tubbing.
It’s rumored that state budget cuts have affected the Pats’ salary cap badly enough that Govenor Deval Patrick will have to step in to play nickel back next week. Considering Deltha O’Neal is playing more like a Delta faucet, that might actually work. O’Neal leaks like a high-pressure fire hose. So this week coach Bill Belichick has called in Joe the Plumber to check his fittings and throw in a fresh washer.
Elsewhere in the NFL, Pacman Jones had his choice of alcohol treatment programs. After consulting with the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives, he spurned Hooters and the Foxy Lady and entered a program overseen by the league.
That Stanley Cup can party
A recent NHL tradition allows each player from the championship team to spend a day with Lord Stanley’s Cup. Hockey players being wild men, they often treat the Cup not with the reverence due one of the greatest trophies in sports, but more like a frat brother’s Molson can. Guys eat out of it, drink out of it, and bathe Scotty Bowman’s grandchildren in it. Sometimes all at once. It’s funny and slightly disturbing at the same time, because you know that after a night out with the Red Wings, the Cup will have to go to the ding smithy for some dent pulling.
You’ve never seen the World Series trophy being used as a spaghetti strainer or the Lombardi Trophy at the bowling alley, but the NHL chooses to display the Cup with all the sanctity of a prize pig at the 4H fair. It just gets hit with a toilet brush and hosed off before being sent on to the next town.
A league of her own
Sports strumpet Madonna, who was once romantically associated with Jose Canseco, has decided to dump her husband and let Alex Rodriguez take a shot at hitting for the cycle. A-Rod, who’s known for struggling in the clutch, attempted some Yankee panky and fouled Madonna off and into a neighbor’s living room.
During a week that was great for the Philadelphia Phillies, a horse of a different color, Big Brown, was forced into retirement after injuring himself during a workout.
The Kentucky Derby and Preakness winner may not be able to race in the Breeders’ Cup, but he sure will be asked to fill one. Named for the United Postal Service, this super stud will be expected to deliver twice a day, seven days a week. Mares throughout the barns will soon be shown just what Big Brown can do for them.
Boston stand-up comedian Mike McDonald tells funny stories all over the world and sells the World’s Funniest Golf Balls at ComedyGolf.com