Boston College football coach Jeff Jagodzinski sent some kind of Delta Force to Florida State and got five of FSU’s wide receivers suspended for brawling before the game on Nov. 15. Pure evil genius. We can only hope that more Eagle operatives are headed to Wake Forest and Maryland under cover of darkness.
Speaking of covert ops, word was leaked that the Red Sox sent Manny Ramirez a letter of suspension, which confirmed he had purposely faked injury, refused to play, tried to force a trade, and tanked at-bats against the Yankees. This notice of non-recommendation from a former employer may soon be featured on Monster.com’s tutorial on what not to do when looking for a job. Gas is down, and so is Manny.
Losing in football can be stressful, and under stress, some people eat. So it looks to me as though Charlie Weis and Romeo Crennel are losing a lot, and having their coaches’ meetings catered by Redbones. I can tell you this: You wouldn’t want to be a chicken after the fourth quarter of a Browns game, and cheese steaks have been flying in South Bend. Word is, Romeo’s playbook actually contains a condiment station: little relish tray, onion cup, ketchup pump.
Before the Pats-Jets game, Brett Favre went over to the Minutemen and shook hands. He thought he recognized a couple of the guys from grade school.
Ty Law is back and playing for the wrong team. When the Pats lost Rodney Harrison and Adalius Thomas to injury, it would have been great to reach into the NFL freezer and open a big box of Ty Law. Instead, Jets head weasel Eric Mangini beat us to lunch.
The NHL standings on Nov. 13 showed that the Rangers had played 19 games and the Canadians and the Wild had played 13 each, a 30-percent-plus difference. Have there been some rainouts in the NHL that I missed?
As a special promotion at Bruins games, I think Aramark should offer Zamboni slushies and snow cones. Ice time specials would include Penalty Pistachio, High Sticking Strawberry, and Lemon-Lime Major Misconduct. A tasty refreshment guaranteed to give your lower GI tract an end-of-the-night shootout. First free taste goes to Barry Melrose.
Let’s talk moneyball
Staying with the free taste theme, the New Jersey Nets announced they are providing 1,500 free tickets to unemployed fans who also submit their resumes to the team. I believe the first 100 tickets should be donated to outgoing members of Congress, followed by a couple thousand to the chuckleheads at the Wall Street investment banks. If the economy continues to get crushed, the Nets will post all kinds of sold-out-for-free numbers.
There’s an old joke: How do you make $1 billion in the stock market? Start with $2 billion. That’s what happened to Aubrey McClendon, the owner of the NBA’s Oklahoma Thunder. Who is the Thunder, you wonder? The Thunder is the former Seattle SuperSonics, who were bought in part by McClendon, also the owner of Chesapeake Energy, one of the largest natural gas companies in the U.S.
McClendon blundered by personally buying upward of 31 million Chesapeake shares on margin (credit), which devastatingly plummeted from a high of $72 to $12, leading to a dreaded margin call. That’s when your stock guy removes the second “R” from the word “broker” and calls you and tells you you’re broke, that they’ll be liquidating all of your shares to cover your loan, and that you, Mr. McClendon, have personally just lost more than $1.9 billion. Ouch, my colon! If I lost $1.9 billion, my hair would still be on fire and my pants extra full. Rumor has it that the Thunder’s postgame spread has switched from steak and shrimp puffs to carrot sticks and bologna sandwiches.
This week the Yankees offered free agent CC Sabathia $138 million and unlimited cheesecakes in hopes of getting him to sign. CC was out of shape before big money. I don’t imagine guaranteed dough will cause him to burst into a series of ab-busting squat thrusts.
The Yankees also just acquired a guy named Swisher. Make up your own jokes.
Boston stand-up comedian Mike McDonald tells funny stories all over the world and sells the World’s Funniest Golf Balls at ComedyGolf.com