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TRASH TALK: Give Manny what he deserves

Posted by Mike McDonald November 13, 2008 05:57 AM

The Red Sox should make a big splash in free agency and offer Manny Ramirez a contract. Not a good contract, mind you, but rather something really insulting. Like 80 bucks a game, a box of fried clams, and two hookers from Dorchester. We’ll show youwhat it’s like to be uncomfortable in Boston.

Then the Sox should run out and sign Rocco Baldelli and get the Italian fans in Warwick, R.I., all fired up.

The chicks love Yaz
There’s a birth control pill on the market called Yaz.

If you’re Carl Yastrzemski, the original Yaz, is it an honor to have a contraceptive borrow your nickname, or did this nudge you toward triple bypass? Women seem to be taking Yaz by the fistful. Side effects include bloating, tenderness, and the ability to hit .326 with 44 homers and 121 RBI. Can Dice-K Kondoms be far behind? For a big swing and miss, or a big miss who swings.

Dead wrong
The New York Rangers are asking for a compensatory draft pick after this year’s first-rounder, Alexei Cherepanov, died before they could sign him. The Rangers released a statement that said, “With all due respect to Alexei’s family and his memory, he is technically eligible to be drafted again next year.” TECHNICALLY ELIGIBLE TO BE DRAFTED AGAIN NEXT YEAR! With all due respect to the Rangers, the guy is dead! Matt Millen is not an NHL GM.

Cherepanov’s only ice time will involve lying on it because it’s tough to take a shift after you’ve been autopsied.

On the other hand, I love that 82-year-old Penn State coach Joe Paterno refuses to step down. The man’s record is 9-1 and he’s older than the Klitschko brothers combined. I hope Paterno shows up to coach two years after he’s dead. Just wheel JoePa out onto the field, throw some headsets on him and kick off. ... Well, that’s badly put. But State fans would love it, although you’d need a van for recruiting.

This week’s special
The Pats-Jets contest tonight allows everybody to enjoy a practice Thanksgiving. I’m going to eat like Henry VIII, wear a turkey on my fist like a hand puppet, and give thanks I wasn’t born a Lions fan whose holiday party every year plays out like Halloween minus the candy.

The Raiders cut DeAngelo Hall this week because he played more like a D’Angelo’s sandwich: all buns and not enough meat. After only eight games, Hall punted himself out of the remaining $64 million on his contract. Scrap-grabber Daniel Snyder immediately put Hall on the Redskins’ roster. Good luck, Danny. Hall’s been burned so often, his new uniform will have to be fashioned from an aloe vera plant.

Somehow, Claude Julien has imparted the steel-toed wisdom that being on the power play is smarter than playing shorthanded. It’s a simple concept that for years has seemed like particle physics to Bruins players. Over the last two weeks, the Bear cubs have been playing as though they’re running the CERN supercollider.

I want to smell like Annika
Annika Sorenstam has a new perfume under development called Annika. Not to be outdone,
Bartolo Colon has signed a contract to develop, well, a new cologne. Tentative names for Colon’s Cologne are Whiffs, Outside Corner, Cy, and Chin Music.

Jose, can you see …
In a new A&E documentary, Jose Canseco said he “regrets mentioning players [he named as steroid users]. I never realized this was going to blow up and hurt so many people.”

Jose, what did your tiny brain think would happen? You sang like Pavarotti in front of Congress. “He stuck a needle in his butt, lala la la. McGwire and Sosa are steroid nuts, lala la la.” Canseco’s troubles intensified two weeks ago when he was caught trying to cross the Mexican border with hGC, a drug that restores testosterone levels destroyed by steroid use and stops your boys from becoming Shrinky Dinks. As it turns out, steroids and what you say do have side effects.

Boston stand-up comedian Mike McDonald tells funny stories all over the world and sells the World’s Funniest Golf Balls at ComedyGolf.com

5 comments so far...
  1. I love this guys stuff; beats the hell out of the clever "win 'em one ata time "and let's breakdown the 2009 Grapefruit League rotation” talk synonymous with most sports pages. I’m just wondering if you could make him a little more difficult to find? This guy should be a feature not a scavenger hunt entry

    Posted by Don Allen November 13, 08 12:19 PM
  1. Ditto for me,

    Posted by Bama November 14, 08 08:18 AM
  1. Well, at least there won't be a bidding war over the dead guy.

    Posted by Anonymous November 14, 08 05:50 PM
  1. Well, at least there won't be a bidding war over the dead guy.

    Posted by Dan M. November 14, 08 05:50 PM
  1. Good stuff.

    Posted by Cypher November 15, 08 01:23 PM
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Charles P. Pierce writes for the Boston Globe Magazine. A long-time sportswriter and columnist, Pierce is a frequent guest on national TV and radio.
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