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TRASH TALK: A few pointers for Plaxico

Posted by Mike McDonald December 11, 2008 05:57 AM

As a first step toward public service, Plaxico Burress should formulate a game plan for healing the New York community. With that mind, I’d like to present Burress’ gun safety tips.

>> Guns are like women. If you keep them around long enough, they’re going to go off.

>> Pants are not bulletproof. Especially from the inside.

>> When your loaded gun starts to slip down your trouser leg, put down the drink.

>> Do not, under any circumstances, go to Vegas with O.J. Simpson to get his stuff back.

>> If you must shoot, don’t shoot yourself.

>> If guns were outlawed, wide receivers wouldn’t have guns.

Three reasons Gary Bettman is a chucklehead
Bruin goalie Tim Thomas was an All-Star last year but is not even listed on this season’s ballot. Where I come from, that’s a major league insult. I mean, the guy is the incumbent, isn’t he? That’s like Dianne Wilkerson winning a seat in the state senate and then not being invited to participate in the next election. OK, bad example.

“Tim? This is the NHL balloting office. We think last year was a fluke. I mean, you weren’t really expecting to make the All-Star team two years in a row, were you? We’re replacing you with Martin Brodeur’s glove hand and Manon Rheaume’s jock. Happy Holidaze.”

Sean Avery got a six-game suspension for making lewd remarks that would normally garner him a speaker’s fee at an NHL dinner. Meanwhile, crosschecking a guy until his spine shoots out of his colon is a 10-minute major. Bettman has also ordered Avery to take classes with anger management guru Dr. Buddy Rydell.

Let me get this straight. Pete Rose got caught betting on baseball, and MLB threw him out. On the other hand, Rick Tocchet financed a sports betting and money-laundering ring, and to the NHL, this somehow qualifies him to be head coach of the Tampa Bay Lightning.

Next, I’ll hear that the state of New Jersey is outfitting all of its highway tollbooths with a “Rick Tocchet Wagering Lane.” Drivers will be able to simultaneously pay their toll and bet the quinella at Monmouth.

I feel Lucky
For all home games, I'd like the Celtics to dress Brian Scalabrine as Lucky the Leprechaun and Eddie House's son as Lucky Jr. After every big-time Celtic dunk, I want to see those two Riverdance until they get a Tommy point.

No country for old man
The Pacquiao-De La Hoya fight should have been scheduled for Dec. 7, because it was Pearl Harbor Day for Oscar. Pacquiao bombed, torpedoed, and pounded his opponent like a piece of North End veal. During the fight, De La Hoya aged at such an accelerated pace, I was actually able to watch him transform from Golden Boy to Olden Man in eight rounds.

Kielbasa wars
This weekend’s Patriots visit to Oakland’s Black Hole may come down to a battle of the Polish toes. That’s right, Stephen Gostkowski vs. Sebastian Janikowski. Janikowski can sometimes be frozen on kicks if the opposing team yells “pierogi” in unison.

Trash pile
I kid you not: The World Anti-Doping Agency (WADA) is examining Viagra as a performance-enhancing drug, saying it may increase cardiac output, provide a more efficient transport of oxygenated fuel to the muscles, and improve endurance. Doy!Haven’t we already proved that Viagra improves the endurance of at least one major muscle group? Why would it stop enhancing at the waist? And testing for this drug should be as simple as staring at the front of a player’s uniform.

Former Kansas State football coach Bill Snyder is returning to coach the KSU program he left four years ago. The unique thing here is that when Snyder first retired, the good people of Kansas went and named the stadium after him. So now that Bill Snyder is back, he will be coaching KSU football at Bill Snyder Family Stadium. You’ve got to admit, there’s a unique element of pressure there.

Boston stand-up comedian Mike McDonald tells funny stories all over the world and sells the World’s Funniest Golf Balls at ComedyGolf.com

3 comments so far...
  1. LOVED the Plaxico Burress list...Loved it so much we swiped it...with proper credit, of course...and read it during the am show today on WCAP. Great stuff!!

    Posted by Dean Johnson December 11, 08 12:18 PM
  1. Best one I've read yet.

    When testing for Viagra doping, is it necessary to use attractive screeners?

    Posted by Teddy P. December 11, 08 05:32 PM
  1. Great, funny, insightful stuff. Keep it up! The world needs this outlook on man's stupidity.

    Posted by Jim Schemenauer December 20, 08 02:13 PM
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