Boston sports fans have visions of Stanley Cup finals and World Series tickets dancing in their heads, but they also fear finding a Richard Simmons vegetable steamer or a Petrocelli Panini Press on the wrong side of their tree. To help you avoid holiday mistakes, I’ve compiled a few Christmas presents Boston fans would least like to receive.
>> Roger Clemens Mindy McCready Karaoke Machine Helps you sing before Congress. Comes preloaded with country song “Stand by Your Man.”
>> Charlie Moore Fish Toothpaste Available in largemouth, bullhead, and perch flavors.
>> Plaxico Burress Gun Holster Underwear Your weapon may slip out, but the gas passed through these drawers is high octane.
>> Manny Ramirez "Lack of Hustle" Energy Bar Why run when you can walk? You’ll “never feel comfortable in Boston” again after eating one of these expensive, tasteless concoctions.
>> Calvin Schiraldi Gas Can Doesn’t hold much, but what’s in there goes off like the Hindenburg.
>> Jeremy Jacobs Specialty Eyeglasses Allows you to see Boston from Buffalo.
>> Vin Baker Wine Tumblers Used up and broken down when you get them, they still always manage to end up empty.
>> Zeke Mowatt Towel Set Highly absorbent yet about the size of a dishcloth. Recently modeled by Viking Visanthe Shiancoe.
If the Red Sox want to make the collective veins of the Steinbrenner family’s heads pulse toward aneurysm, I suggest they sign Andy Pettitte. When Mike Mussina retired, the Yanks lost 20 wins and 200 innings, and signing Pettitte would gut them of another 200 innings and 14 wins. Regardless of the CC Sabathia and A.J. Burnett signings, snatching Pettitte (33-14 in September) would put bunches of Yankee fans on the edge of the Verrazano-Narrows Bridge like penguins massing for a leap past a leopard seal.
Minnesota Timberwolves owner Glen Taylor has maneuvered Kevin McHale into the precarious position of having to coach the mediocre players he’s assembled. After gagging on trades and draft picks like a foie gras goose, McHale is now officially the NBA’s version of Matt Millen. By the way, Kevin, thanks for the big guy.
Doctors say David Ortiz’s wrist needs rest in order to get totally healthy, so Papi, please put down the golf club. I don’t want that wrist to touch a thing all winter. As a matter of fact, I require the Red Sox to hire a specialist. A helper. OK, a lackey. A guy who opens Papi’s every door, flips on his light switches, and twists the caps off his Diet Coke. Don’t fray that tendon trying to rip a drumstick off the turkey. If Big Dave needs the water faucet turned on, flip-phone opened, coat zipped, or sunglasses polished, I want the wrist lackey on it. This is the kind of heady management decision that can add 20 home runs and 50 RBI to the middle of a lineup.
Who's on staph
It's great to see Tom Brady back in town and moving gingerly around the Foxborough facility. I feared the worst when doctors kept opening his knee like a screen door at summer camp. At one point Brady battled so many staph infections that he hallucinated he was a member of the Cleveland Browns.
The New York Mets, who play in a city with a large Jewish population, have traded for pitcher J.J. Putz. For those of you who are Yiddishly challenged, "putz" is a slang term referring to a man's nether regions. The first time I hear Mets fans chanting, "We want Putz, we want Putz," I will LOL.
Kicker Morten Andersen announced his retirement this week. The 48-year-old Dane, who scored 2,544 points during his 25-year NFL career, said Monday he has given up his hope for a comeback and will return to cryogenic stasis at the Alcor Life Extension facility.
In the past I have suggested that the CC in CC Sabathia stood for chocolate cake or Charleston Chew. But now that the Yankees have thrown 162 million his way, I’m thinking it stands for cash cow. This ridiculous contract makes Sabathia worth more than the gross domestic products of Albania and Iceland combined. Bon-bons for everyone.
Boston stand-up comedian Mike McDonald tells funny stories all over the world and sells the World's Funniest Golf Balls at ComedyGolf.com