When the funeral home presents you in God’s on-deck circle, you’ve already lost in sudden death. But casket maker Eternal Image enables fans to circle the bases one last time with its MLB cremation urns and coffins. Yes, nothing says you were a manof good taste the way a widow weeping over your Red Sox logo casket does. Diehard fans may even convince the funeral director to pose them sliding hard into the box.
No, it doesn’t stop there. For those who think death is the final frontier, Eternal Image also lets Star Trek fans get beamed up in a unique way. It makes a black Photon Torpedo casket like the one in which Spock was laid to rest in The Wrath of Khan.
Bullets over Broadway
On Nov. 28, Plaxico Burress proved what a great receiver he is when he caught a bullet from himself. Although Burress was both the perpetrator and the victim in the self-inflicted shooting, there were no reports that he was mad at himself or had argued with himself over a woman. A headline on a story about the incident caught my eye: Burress tells Giants he shot himself in the leg by accident. As opposed to what, blasting away at his own wheel on purpose? The Giants are worried that in the future, Burress may not be willing to run plays out of the shotgun.
The Knicks pay Stephon Marbury about $22 million a year to play, yet he has twice refused to take the court when coach Mike D'Antoni has asked. Somebody get the Sopranos on the pasta phone for me and whack this prima donna. I want Paulie Walnuts, Clemenza, and Luca Brasi to put a size-18 Starbury so far up his behind that he can dunk from halfcourt. Marbury is Vin Baker without the drinking problem, and I hope he finishes his career in the Antarctic Summer League.
Bail out the Lions
William Clay Ford has singlehandedly let the wheels fall off both the Detroit Lions and one of America’s great car franchises, the Ford Motor Company. The Lions played so badly on Thanksgiving that I could hardly keep my fourth plate of food down. That’s why every year as I gorge on pie, I quietly promise myself to never again buy a Ford vehicle. My thinking is that if team ownership can’t find a good general manager, head coach, or quarterback in 20 years, then that Ford engine may drop out on the highway while the windshield wipers burst into flames. If the Lions were stripped of their parts like an old Ford Escort, they’d barely bring beer money.
The newest member of the Red Sox wasabi connection appears to be coveted 22-year-old right-hander Junichi Tazawa. That would put the Red Sox pitching staff at 30 percent Japanese ballplayers. I see a future postgame spread of shark-fin soup and blowfish sushi on the horizon. Who wants the head?
Roger Clemens was asked to disassociate himself from a golf tournament fundraiser for kids for which he's helped bank millions of dollars. The only other choice was renaming the event the Roger Clemens Steroid Adultery Life Lesson Tournament for Kids.
Animal rights adversary Joey Porter isn't bothered that Michael Vick ran a doggie-style Abu Ghraib, saying that Vicks crime "was only dogs." After all, in 2006, Porter's own pit bull and mastiff escaped his yard and killed a neighbor's miniature horse. But hey, it was only a horse of course, and a midget horse at that. My newly invented fantasy sport would involve stripping Vick and Porter naked, rubbing them down with a cheeseburger, and tossing them into the ring with four hungry pits. Then we'd see just how elusive Vick is and just how much
trash Porter can scream with pit bulls hanging off their loins.
Turns out Brian Urlacher's wimpy-kid Old Spice commercial may have some teeth to it. In a bizarre ongoing child custody battle, Urlacher's ex has accused the tough guy of regularly dressing their son in pink Cinderella diapers and painting his little toenails blue. This, she fears, is 'causing gender confusion issues' for their son. No word whether Urlacher has replaced his son's viewing of Bears games with the Ice Capades or synchronized swimming.
Walter Payton’s cousin Malik Alvin, a Binghamton University basketball player, was caught shoplifting a 36-pack of Magnum condoms at Wal-Mart. Not blessed with Sweetness’ speed and elusiveness, Alvin ran directly into a 66-year-old woman who took him down in a hallway. Following Malik’s probation, I assume they’ll be dating.
Boston stand-up comedian Mike McDonald tells funny stories all over the world and sells the WorldŐs Funniest Golf Balls at ComedyGolf.com