TRASH TALK: Tiger and Phil's holiday wishes

Here’s a peek at the cards Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson sent each other for Christmas.

Dear Tiger: I trust Santa has finally brought you a caddie who knows when to shut up. In these hard economic times, you might consider putting an American on your bag instead of Crocodile Dundee. Hope your knee gets infected.

Hit ’em chunky,

Lefty

Phil: Holiday wishes that you’re not choking on dinner like you do in competition. You’d better win now, because my rehab’s going great and I’ll be back to dominate in the New Year.

Feliz Navidad,

Eldrick T. Woods

P.S. You’re still fat.

Red Sox try out Iraqi fireballer
After seeing Iraqi journalist Muntazer al-Zaidi throw some shoe chin music at the president, Red Sox scouts are thinking of bringing the hard-throwing right-hander into Fort Myers for a tryout. “If he can throw that kind of cheese with a pair of Thom McAn’s, we’d love to see what he can do with a baseball,” said an unnamed Sox scout. “Hell, if he were Japanese we would have signed him already.”

A Wii for Christmas
I can’t believe Nintendo hasn’t signed Michelle Wie to help promote the Wii. It’s synchronicity, and I’ve already developed a name for the product. I call it Wii Wie Golf. Because when ya gotta play, ya gotta play.

Something’s a Bruin for Sox
With Jason Varitek possibly taking his .220 mega-bat elsewhere, it’s no secret the Red Sox are looking for catchers. So I suggest they offer a part-time catching job to a Bruins goalie. Catchers and goalies both wear masks, sport chest protectors and shin guards, and catch high-speed stuff with a glove. Not only that, but goalies use their sticks to bat those high-speed objects out of the air. Manny Fernandez and Tim Thomas also have good baseball names, and if A-Rod gets mouthy, both of them can fight.

Bowls or Dixie cups?
Looking at this year’s bowls, you can see that any corporation with a couple of nickels to rub together can sponsor one. We have the magicJack St. Petersburg Bowl. magicJack? That’s not exactly Apple or Microsoft. As a matter of fact, it’s more like having a bowl sponsored by the Perfect colon cleanse. When I first heard “magicJack” I thought it was a crummy old Paul Hogan movie, but it turns out to be a cheap internet-phone hookup. Then there’s the San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl. Well, that’s a pairing of corporate titans. My car loan is with a credit union in the Merrimack Valley, but that doesn’t mean I want them to sponsor a bowl with the tulip cartel, unless I were to get a break on my Chevy loan. Where does this search for crappy conglomerate subsidy end? The Pawnshop Cash for Gold Bowl? Perhaps the ShamWow Absorbabowl. By the way, Boston College will play the Vanderbilt Commodores in the Music City Bowl. They drew the Commodores because the Temptations were booked.

Trash pile
I don’t know what kind of supernatural elixir is coming out of the TD Banknorth Garden hose, but please bottle and sell it as though it’s holy water from Lourdes. CSI: Boston should check the Aramark sausages for magical properties, because if paranormal assets can be proved, they may actually be able to defend their cost. Whatever juju is going down there on Causeway Street, don’t change it. … When you’re 81 years old going on 82, a three-day extension looks good, let alone the three years Penn State just gave Joe Paterno. One day you whip Michigan State to win the Big 10 title and go to the Rose Bowl. The next day you get your hip replaced. I love this guy.

The Red Sox unveiled some new socks that you can wear on your head, adorning their alternative road hats and uniforms. Let’s hope these new duds won’t unleash the ghost of Calvin Schiraldi past. … I enjoyed watching the Pats whip the Raiders in the driving rain in Oakland, because any time I can watch a grown man’s makeup run down his face, it makes me laugh.

Boston stand-up comedian Mike McDonald tells funny stories all over the world and sells the World’s Funniest Golf Balls at ComedyGolf.com