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Read it and weep

Posted by Chad Finn, Globe Staff January 29, 2009 05:59 AM

Surely you're already familiar with some of the juicier tidbits in the upcoming guaranteed bestseller by Joe Torre and Tom Verducci, The Yankee Years.

Torre, the longtime Yankees manager, has pulled off the neat trick of earning an author’s credit on a book written by someone else in the third person. The Dodgers’ skipper reportedly expounds on Alex Rodriguez’s “obsession” with Derek Jeter, essentially accuses general manager Brian Cashman of stabbing him in the back, and reveals that management was informed of his cancer diagnosis before he was. It should make a fine gift for a Red Sox fan.

What you may not know is that the basis for the book was a journal Torre kept during his tenure with the Yankees. (True story. It’s a little pink pinstriped number with a picture of a baby unicorn on it. Gift from Jeter.) And we here at OT just happen to have stumbled upon a copy. Without revealing our sources, we gladly offer you some of Joe Torre’s innermost thoughts as a Yankee.

Nov. 3, 1995: My first day on the job, and I’m greeted by this headline in the Daily News: “Clueless Joe.” Sigh. I’ll show you, New York! If I can make it here, I can make it … aw, who am I kidding? I have a sub-.500 career winning percentage and I have to put up with the whims of that nut job Steinbrenner. Better keep the ol’ resume updated.

Feb. 3, 1998: News of the day: Bob Watson is out as our GM, and Brian Cashman is in. Count me on board with this. Sure, Cash is a squirrelly-looking sort, but I know he’s got my back.

May 17, 1998: David Wells pitched a perfect game at the Stadium — what a moment for Boomer and the New York Yankees! On a related note, I never knew that a human being could smell like a combination of whiskey, Fritos, and old tube socks until we were lugging him off the field. I think I have a hernia.

Oct. 22, 2000: Weird scene in Game 2 of the Series tonight. Roger heaved a broken bat at Mike Piazza, then said he thought it was the ball. Shaky alibi, and did you see that rage? If I didn’t know better, I’d think he was on the juice.

Nov. 30, 2000: Signed Mike Mussina. What a great day for the New York Yankees! He told me he’s looking forward to winning multiple championships here. I smiled in my patented grandfatherly way and said, “You’ve come to the right place, son.”

Oct. 25, 2001: So we’re playing the Arizona Diamondbacks in the World Series. Is that like a barnstorming team or something? One for the thumb, baby!

Nov. 4. 2001: Schilling and Johnson. Ugh. How come nobody told me about those guys?

Dec. 13, 2001: Signed Jason Giambi, the big (come to think of it, huge — huh) first baseman who won the AL MVP last season in Oakland. What a great day for the New York Yankees! He told me he’s looking forward to winning multiple championships here. I smiled in my patented grandfatherly way and said, “You’ve come to the right place, son.”

July 4, 2002: Met George’s boy Hank for the first time at the Boss’ birthday party. Interesting experience. I’ve never seen a grown man wearing a onesie, chain-smoking Kools, and playing with G.I. Joes before. I guess that’s why George calls him “eccentric.”

June 25, 2003: Cashman stopped in this afternoon to inform me that we picked up some obscure outfielder on waivers. I played along, but I have to admit, I had no idea who he was talking about. Who is Karim Garcia?

Oct. 17, 2003: So we’re playing the Florida Marlins in the World Series. I think I saw them on Bassmasters once. One for the thumb, baby!

Oct. 25, 2003: Beckett and Penny. Ugh. How come nobody told me about those guys?

Feb. 15, 2004: Traded for Alex Rodriguez — who only happens to be the best player in baseball! What a great day for the New York Yankees! He told me he’s looking forward to adoring Jeter from up close. I smiled in my patented grandfatherly way and said, “You’ve come to the right place, son.”

Oct. 16, 2004: Pounded the Red Sox, 19-8, putting us up 3-0 in the ALCS. It’s like Sheff said after the game: Got those Boston bleeps where we want ’em. I’m beginning to think there’s something to this “Curse of the Bambino” business.

Oct. 20, 2004: Aw, *$*#&.

July 14, 2005: Walked into the clubhouse after today’s win at Boston. Caught A-Rod wearing stilettos and Jeter’s jersey, furiously scribbling notes while watching Single White Female on the clubhouse TV. What a wonderful friendship.

Dec. 20, 2005: Signed Johnny Damon, the talented center fielder who meant so much to the Red Sox the last few years. He told me he’s looking forward to winning multiple championships here. I smiled in my patented grandfatherly way and said, “Talk to me after you get a shave and a haircut, you dirty hippie.”

Sept. 8, 2007: Walked into the clubhouse and caught Alex stuffing Derek’s undergarments into his briefcase. You know, I just don’t ask anymore.

Oct. 18, 2007: Cashman, that squirrelly SOB, he finally stuck me with the shiv. Never saw it coming. What’s that saying? Revenge is a dish best served … say, what’s Verducci’s number?

OT columnist Chad Finn is a sports reporter for Boston.com and can be reached at finn@globe.com

71 comments so far...
  1. Not good - not even close. Stick with the blogging, Chad. The last one was outstanding!

    Posted by JoshyR January 29, 09 08:32 AM
  1. Have to disagree with JoshyR. I got alot of laughs. Pretty funny Chad.

    Posted by salemsoxfan January 29, 09 09:20 AM
  1. I believe every word....

    Posted by Eric Bousquet January 29, 09 09:21 AM
  1. I LIKE IT! Can't wait to buy the book!

    Posted by Yaz0813 January 29, 09 09:25 AM
  1. Was that supposed to be funny?? I don't get it. Just more Yankee Obsessing I guess...?

    Posted by George January 29, 09 09:26 AM
  1. A great way to start the day with some good yuks!

    Posted by Steve January 29, 09 09:38 AM
  1. The sort of writing that one expects from a second-rate college newspaper.

    Posted by Mungo January 29, 09 09:43 AM
  1. Very funny ( for those of you who don't get irony).
    A good way to start my day.
    I want more of the same.
    Gus

    Posted by Justin Freed January 29, 09 09:46 AM
  1. You don't get it? What do you mean you don't get it? George "senile depends" Steinbrenner?

    Posted by mkielm January 29, 09 09:48 AM
  1. Thank God those two guys weighed in to tell us they didn't like it. I wish I could follow them around the internet and get their opinions on everything! Chad, I hope you're following "JoshyR's" writing/career advice closely!

    Posted by mike January 29, 09 09:57 AM
  1. Laughed out loud! I wonder if there are any Red Sox former managers with diaries floating around...... think of the fun we could all have reading Jimy Williams thoughts...... on second thought lets not.

    Posted by Bill Sullivan January 29, 09 10:15 AM
  1. How stupid was that? My eight year old could've done better.

    Posted by jan January 29, 09 10:23 AM
  1. Very funny. You need to help Shaugnessy with his humor columns though. He doesn't understand the difference between humor and being a jerk.

    Posted by Aldo Pignotti January 29, 09 10:25 AM
  1. Doubt any 8 year old could do better - thanks to No Child Left Behind kids are no longer able to communicate in their native language (dude, have you been to sites where kids hang out on the net? I'm assuming you have, as a responsible parent I'm sure you are checking out all these sites rather than just being happy your kid is not bugging you for a few hours...anyway....teens can't spell SIMPLE words "wat vs what" and have no idea how to construct a sentence) This was really, really funny!! The only problem was there was no canned laughter, so those who didn't get it probably didn't know where to laugh. Now, Chad, I wouldn’t call you Oscar Wilde…but man, this did make my morning!!

    Posted by Yoshimi January 29, 09 11:07 AM
  1. This is not your strong suit. What is your strong suit?

    Posted by jtdunlea January 29, 09 11:15 AM
  1. My strong suit? Getting under the skin of humorless Yankees fans, I'd say.

    Posted by cf January 29, 09 11:23 AM
  1. Even as a Yankee fan, I thought this was classic stuff!

    Posted by Raff January 29, 09 11:28 AM
  1. Just another typical Boston sports fan with his head one of his bodily orfices!! Why don't you guys actually write about something interesting instead of showing and sticking to the sterotype of how stupid boston sports fans are.

    Posted by Bryan C January 29, 09 11:29 AM
  1. Funnier than Kurt Cobain's diaries. And more insightful.

    But no inside tidbits about Madonna, or strippers, or 'roids?

    Joe, we need to talk re how to sell a book.

    Posted by Steve the Great January 29, 09 11:30 AM
  1. Amusing. I like the Damon entry. You get an A for effort Chad.

    Posted by Hippie Sheers January 29, 09 11:30 AM
  1. I'm still chuckling at the Single White Female image.

    Posted by MJ January 29, 09 11:33 AM
  1. The column was pretty funny! I'm guessing all of the people that didn't think it was funny are sorry, bitter yankees fans...

    I bet the book will be very interesting! Unfortunately, I'm sure we will only get half the story there. I'm sure there is so much more that Joe Torre could tell all of us, but he is too much of a gentleman to do that.

    Posted by boston gal January 29, 09 11:35 AM
  1. It's mind boggling and somewhat sad that this is in the Boston Globe. Toothless, unfunny, defensive, mediocre writing. Since 1918 Pink Sox Nation has won as many World Series as the Florida Marlins. Have you seen the new Yankee Stadium on the team's website, Chad? Build a new park, Henry.

    Posted by ghostofbon January 29, 09 11:36 AM
  1. Typical lame Yankees Hater mentality.

    Posted by S January 29, 09 11:38 AM
  1. I loved it...

    Posted by Tito2004and2007 January 29, 09 11:40 AM
  1. Not only did you steal this idea from ESPN's Page 2 writers who have been doing the fake diary for years but your not very good at it. I knew the jokes before they happened, I never laughed and honestly while reading this I continued to think "I could definitely do better. The people who like this are only the people who absolutely hate the Yankees.

    Posted by Jay January 29, 09 11:47 AM
  1. I'll buy the book I'll also enjoy reading pedroia's brother's book detailing his many chance encounters with prepubescent boys what a page turner that will be hey nation think dustin will hear mo-les-tat-ion chanted this year? How about cop-u-lat-ion? Fed-er-al prison?

    Posted by bahston suchs cach January 29, 09 11:52 AM
  1. Hank Steinbrenner WOULD smoke Kools. Nailed it, CF.

    Posted by Diggy January 29, 09 12:01 PM
  1. Get over the Yankees. You, like most of this town are obsessed, it's pathetic.

    Posted by Tim January 29, 09 12:05 PM
  1. Sophmoric.

    Posted by Alan January 29, 09 12:10 PM
  1. I read it on a newspaper Web site, so it all must be true.

    Posted by Red Sox Monster January 29, 09 12:11 PM
  1. Hey Chad - when was the last time you managed an MLB team?
    since you seem to be such an expert, you should get quit your job, get your resume updated and submit it.......

    Posted by 42Giants January 29, 09 12:19 PM
  1. Yoshimi,

    "thanks to No Child Left Behind kids are no longer able to communicate in their native language"
    our kids, bro...not "are" kids.
    nice

    Posted by Scotty Two-Times January 29, 09 12:24 PM
  1. Hilarious!

    Posted by egomaniac January 29, 09 12:38 PM
  1. There seems to be a lot of Red Sox obsessed Yankees fans trolling through the Globe these days. Will your $200M disaster of a ball team make the playoffs this year? I think not.

    Keep writhing in our shadow.

    Posted by Go Sox! January 29, 09 12:41 PM
  1. Is "OT" the minor leagues for up and coming Globe writers?

    Posted by Jack January 29, 09 12:47 PM
  1. always been a yankee hater.except in the case of joe torre. very gracios and to the point.yakee lovers dont like his comments..,too bad,go play jacks with derek and alex or play with yourselves. art mccarthy

    Posted by art mccarthy January 29, 09 12:47 PM
  1. How about Dustin Pedroia's brother winning MVP too, Most Valuable Pedophile. Interesting you couldnt even post a comment after that little news blurb on here. Keep that weird lookin' big eared red sox baby (can you say fetal alcohol syndrome) that's posted on the site away from that dude. Sub 14 year old boys??......nice work Pedroia brother.

    Posted by AmishRakeFight January 29, 09 12:48 PM
  1. LOL Boo Hoo to the Yankees fans commenting here.

    Posted by DerekJetersBeard January 29, 09 01:04 PM
  1. This is brilliant. Loved it!

    Posted by igetthejoke January 29, 09 01:21 PM
  1. This is funny, altho I'm biased since anything that ridicules the Yankmes is funny. As the Yankmes ineptitude in this millenium continues....hilarity ensues! Good job, Chad!

    Posted by danalogue January 29, 09 01:34 PM
  1. Scotty Two-Times - Bro, did you mean "kids are" as opposed to "kids our"? Nice. Methinks you read too fast.

    Posted by Gare January 29, 09 01:42 PM
  1. Wow, some people just have ZERO sense of humor. Thought it was pretty funny chad, nice work

    Posted by amcpnd January 29, 09 01:59 PM
  1. Scotty Two-Times,
    Maybe you should double check what you're typing to make sure it's right before making fun of other peoples grammar. "thanks to No Child Left Behind kids are no longer able to communicate in their native language". If you notice the context of it, kids ARE no longer able, as in not possessive (aka "our'). You would've been on the money if it was "thanks to No Child Left Behind OUR kids... but Yoshimi gets the money shot this time.

    Posted by Smally Smalls January 29, 09 01:59 PM
  1. a Boston Globe writer, a Boston website, Sox fans that like it because it's the Yanks....what's to be upset about?...that about covers it....some were funny though...

    Posted by jete02fan January 29, 09 02:04 PM
  1. SPEND THE MONEY AND DO NOT WIN - THAT IS THE WAY OF THE YANKEES........TEX AND SAB ARE THE NEW CLOSE BUT NO CHAMPIONSHIP GUYS!! LOL
    i CALL IT CURSE OF SEINFELD - ONCE THEY STARTED DOING THE SHOWS WITH STEINBRENNER THE YANKS WENT DORMANT LOL!

    Posted by JAMIE January 29, 09 02:06 PM
  1. JUST BECAUSE THESE GUYS ARE MILLIONAIRES DOESNT MEAN THEY DONT LEAD WEIRD LIVES MAYBE A ROD SNIFFS JETERS UNDERWARE BUT I THINK THE YANKS OUGHT TO GRAB ANOTHER OUT OF THIS WORLD FREE AGENT TO REALLY BLOW UP THERE BUDGIT AND WHEN THEY FAIL TO WIN THE WORLD SERIES THEN I CAN WRITE A BOOK ABOUT THOSE DAMN YANKEES

    Posted by mojo52 January 29, 09 02:16 PM
  1. i cant believe i took the time to actually read this whole thing. painful

    Posted by JOE January 29, 09 02:40 PM
  1. Loved it!

    Posted by Anonymous January 29, 09 02:49 PM
  1. priceless.

    Posted by mudbugger January 29, 09 03:02 PM
  1. Classic, Chad. That was hliarious.

    Posted by Ron Miller January 29, 09 04:05 PM
  1. Loved the comments on Pedroia's brother! HA! (feel bad for the poor child though) Only the Yankees can dominate the sports world in the NE if not most of the country the week OF the Super Bowl. Props to the Sox for 04 and 07, but move aside for Tampa...and New York in October. Guys w/arms that swing like porch doors and blow up their bathroom 10 times a day.....yeah, they just don't cut it.

    Posted by George January 29, 09 04:15 PM
  1. More drivel from the endless supply. Do you and Massarotti share a locker or something? No, wait a minute, you share an imagination, and there just isn't enough of it to go around. It's damn hard to write satire as you may discover if you read the stuff you write.
    BTW - when you jump in to defend yourself with comments about your strong suit you remove all doubt about your level of insecurity.
    It's a good bet that there aren't any jock straps in the Globe sports department these days because there aren't any balls. How about doing some real reporting/commenting?

    Posted by 14TheClaw January 29, 09 04:19 PM
  1. More drivel from the endless supply. Do you and Massarotti share a locker or something? No, wait a minute, you share an imagination, and there just isn't enough of it to go around. It's damn hard to write satire as you may discover if you read the stuff you write.
    BTW - when you jump in to defend yourself with comments about your strong suit you remove all doubt about your level of insecurity.
    It's a good bet that there aren't any jock straps in the Globe sports department these days because there aren't any balls. How about doing some real reporting/commenting?

    Posted by 14TheClaw January 29, 09 04:19 PM
  1. More drivel from the endless supply. Do you and Massarotti share a locker or something? No, wait a minute, you share an imagination and there just isn't enough of it to go around. It's damn hard to write satire as you may discover if you read the stuff you write.
    BTW -when you jump in to defend yourself with comments about your strong suit you remove all doubt about your insecurity.
    It's a good bet that there aren't any jock straps in the Globe sports department these days because there aren't any balls. How about doing some real reporting/commenting?

    Posted by 14TheClaw January 29, 09 04:19 PM
  1. A-Rod in Heels! Hilarious.

    Posted by mac830203 January 29, 09 04:21 PM
  1. Line up next to CHB, his last column wasn't very good either. This one really was lame and usually your work is excellent.

    Posted by BOB January 29, 09 04:42 PM
  1. This is so dumb that it's pathetic. I find it hilarious that the Yankees occupy so much space and so much press in Boston territory. You're barely thoight about in NY. Oh...my bad. The Red Sox were mentioned a lot when you were pining for Teixiera and thought you had him!

    Posted by Blanche January 29, 09 05:02 PM
  1. Wow are there some nasty people commenting on here. Where did all you nasty Yankee fans come from and why aren't you reading the New York Post? If you didn't like it go read something else. I thought it was pretty funny.

    I'm looking forward to the Torre book. I've heard that Torre did call Cashman regarding some of it but didn't call A-Rod. Hmmm.

    Posted by Debbie January 29, 09 06:23 PM
  1. I can play that game too!

    The red sox have won infinity times more championships since 2001 than the yankees!

    Now what?

    Posted by Dan January 29, 09 07:35 PM
  1. I am sitting in my office building by myself and just laughed out loud for five minutes. I have never posted a comment before. Great set ups, followed by even better punch lines. Fantastic, clever writing, dude.

    Posted by Steve and Devin January 29, 09 08:30 PM
  1. Whoa!!!!!! What a seriously funny column......Seems only the Yankee fans and Sox haters couldn't get the humor. So sad......I'm e-mailing this to all my "friends" who are Yankee fans......I'm from Idaho, so there are still some knuckleheads that haven't gotten used ti\o the "new world" order in baseball......Keep up the good work Chad. Damn that was funny........Go Sox!!!!!!!

    Posted by minicodirtdawg January 29, 09 08:31 PM
  1. Chad, great column. I don't know why the naysayers can't see the humor here - good stuff. Keep it up!

    Posted by ThePrize January 29, 09 09:39 PM
  1. Oh, Shut Up.

    Posted by sherri January 30, 09 02:37 AM
  1. torre is just telling the truth about the SCUM THAT IS THE YANKEES. I will buy the book and read it and LAUGH AT THE YANKEE BASTARDS

    Posted by RICHARD January 30, 09 02:04 PM
  1. Just check out Raff's response. Had this been a NY writer turning the tables on the Red Sox I would have found it just as funny. Seriously, some of you need to develop a sense of humor, Sox and Yankee fans alike. This is sports page writing not an editorial piece calling for, oh I don't know, the reinstatement of partial birth abortion. Or any other of hundreds of topics worth getting emotional over.

    Posted by roger c January 30, 09 05:05 PM
  1. I loved this. I'm embarassed to admit, though, that I didn't realize it was a joke until seven or eight entries in.

    Posted by crlsnjnn January 31, 09 08:27 AM
  1. I JUST ORDERED THIS BOOK FROM (HALF.COM) CHEAPEST PRICES AROUND
    I ORDERED10 BOOKS TO SEND TO DIE HARD RED SOX FANS, TOLD THEM IT WAS THEIR BIRTHDAY PRESENTS.

    I CANNOT WAIT TO READ IT.

    Posted by MARIAN GOLDSTEIN January 31, 09 05:45 PM
  1. hahahaha, who is karim garcia????

    Posted by Anonymous February 3, 09 12:52 AM
  1. Joe torre should not be managing in Baseball and even holding a job.
    If he was with the Royals or any other team with No Steinbrenner he would be out of work by Now.
    George Steibrenner gave him a free pass for at least 2 years he should of been fired Now he starts all this A-fraud and Now a Black eye for Baseball who's to Blame '' Greed for Money and Joe Torre ' I should write a book on that subject .
    Y Oriole Infielder , Ren Felon

    Posted by Ren Felson February 8, 09 11:27 PM
  1. Joe Torre should be out of the game no not by the recent book because he's a not a sincere person and everyone Now is coming out with what a lot of people suspected that he is a phony .

    He is only for himself and himself only .. this as I said recently is what is hurting baseball guys like this but until the Owners realize this he will be there is a shame what guys like this are doing to the Game.
    X-70's Oriole Infielder , Ren Felson and future Major League Manager ..
    We need guys like Brooks Robinson and Frank Robinson , davey John son , earl weaver , those type of guys .. , Yes Ren Felson I would welcome an Opportunity. .


    Posted by Ren Felson February 11, 09 09:56 PM
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OT Columnists

Charles P. Pierce writes for the Boston Globe Magazine. A long-time sportswriter and columnist, Pierce is a frequent guest on national TV and radio.
Tony Massarotti is a Boston Globe sportswriter and has been writing about sports in Boston for the last 19 years. He is currently spotlighted as a featured columnist on Boston.com.
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Tom Caron serves as studio host for NESN's Boston Red Sox coverage.
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Bob Lobel was a WBZ-TV sportscaster for 29 years, anchoring more than 10,000 sports reports.
Chad Finn is a sports reporter at the Globe and founder of the Touching All The Bases blog. Before joining the Globe, he was an award winning columnist at the Concord Monitor.

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