Super Bowl Sunday is one of the great eating days of the year. Fire pits explode into Polynesian luaus while bellies stretch throwback jerseys to the point of gaseous detonation. I’ve seen my buddies’ game-day gear held together by nothing more than prayer, duct tape, and gravy stains, while they drink so much beer that their bathrooms are accidentally transformed into extreme water parks. Even dainty women eat as if they’re going to the electric chair. So with Super Bowl Sunday food in mind, I’ve rounded up some of the designer NFL tailgating specialties you might want to avoid … or feature at your party.
Terrell Owens Jerky: You’ll work your jaws as hard as TO, while chewing on the dried meat of former teammates and coaches. Salted to taste with TO’s own tears.
Matt White Cassel Burgers: Toss these little sliders down your throat for a tasty completion to any meal. Pick them up now, because they’ll be much more expensive next week.
Brett Favre Baloney: This baloney seems to have no expiration date, so its shelf life is much greater than that of any other baloney currently on the market. But remember, if this baloney stinks, don’t blame Brett. Blame the guy making the sandwich. Brett Favre Baloney, the choice of drama festivals throughout Greater New York.
Deltha O'Neal Toast: Burned beyond recognition, this toast can be scraped clean and burned again and again for a quick snack the following week.
Michael Vick Hot Dogs and Hush Puppies: You won’t see these tofu dogs served at the New York Kennel Club’s luncheon, but frankly, these dogs won’t bite back and are gentle on your buns. Serves four to six … years.
Don’t forget to wash all of this great Super Bowl chow down with a Jerry Jones Whine, a Teddy Bru-schi Brewski, or a Plaxico Burress Shooter.
For those still scratching their heads about how the Cardinals made the Super Bowl, imagine being the smart guy who bet these long shots (odds supplied by Mirage Race & Sports Book):
>> Tampa Bay Rays, post-2007 World Series: 150-1.
>> Arizona Cardinals, August 2008: 50-1.
>> Barack Obama in the White House, post-2004 election: Astronomical.
What a parlay.
Super Bowl jokes
Here are a couple of my favorites.
Q: What do you call a Viking with a Super Bowl ring?
Q: Who has one more Super Bowl ring than any of the Buffalo Bills?
A: Vladimir Putin.
A couple of Arizona Cardinals fans are wearing the NFC championship like pink polyester leisure suits. Donovan McNabb happens to own a home in Arizona, and the week of the Cards-Eagles playoff game, Cards fanatics and criminal masterminds Rex Perkins and Ryan Hanlan went to McNabb’s house, poured diesel fuel spelling out “I heart AZ” in on his front lawn, and lit it on fire as a “prank.” Well, hardee har-har and nyuck-nyuck.
Someone should point out to these two knuckleheads that lighting a black man’s lawn on fire is only a killer joke if you’re wearing white sheets and reporting in to the Grand Wizard.
Can you imagine someone going to Tom Brady’s house and lighting his lawn on fire ... I mean besides Matt Cassel?
Sure, Eli and Peyton Manning have foreheads like bottlenose dolphins and are one step removed from the Hee-Haw anthropological chart, but both wear Super Bowl rings. I can’t think of another brother tandem that’s accomplished that feat. Tim and Matt Hasselbeck? Nope. The brothers McCown? No, sir. How about the much prettier Palmer brothers, Carson (former No. 1 pick in the draft) and Jordan (or “Fredo,” as he’s know on the Bengals)? Both Palmer boys are listed on the Cincinnati roster as quarterbacks, yet at this point neither one really plays. Carson because he’s one Hail Mary from Tommy John surgery, and Jordan because Moe Green doesn’t want him to screw up the Vegas line. To me, this is what makes the Manning brothers’ Super Bowl legacy all the more impressive, and the main reason I’m picking them to whip the Williams sisters in the Oreo cookie throw-down.
Boston stand-up comedian Mike McDonald tells funny stories all over the world and sells the World’s Funniest Golf Balls at ComedyGolf.com