Rumor has it that the reason Mark Teixeira signed with the Yankees instead of the Red Sox is that his wife didn’t like the shopping in Boston. To that I say, HA! What about the shopping in Allston? Or the footlights of Somerville and Mattapan? The first time Mrs. Tex comes to town on a Yankee road trip, I’m sending some Revere girls to the Four Seasons and having her run up to the North Shore Mall for hair extensions and a shopping throwdown. Those babes will open her eyes to a part of Boston she’s never even dreamed about, and bring her back with nine-inch French nails and really big hair.
Rocco Baldelli, the newest Red Sox outfielder, has a name more fitting for the third capo in the Patriarca crime family. Imagine next year’s public address introduction of the former Tampa Bay Ray at Fenway. “Yo, listen up. I want you to show proper respect for our new left fielder and a real stand-up paisan. Give it up, because we know where your children go to school … our No. 6 hitter, Rocco Baldelli.”
The Sox bullpen continues to morph into the Hiroshima Carp: The team has added right-hander Takashi Saito to its 40-man roster. Theoretically, you could see a game where Daisuke Matsuzaka starts, long relief goes to Junichi Tazawa, Hideki Okajima handles short relief, Saito throws an inning, and Papelbon-san closes. Kamikazes for everybody!
Simple question. If it’s called ultimate cage fighting, why aren’t there any tigers? If you want me to plunk down money for a pay-per-view event, don’t just offer me two tattooed felons tattooing each other. When the bad men in the cage are ready to go, toss in a cranky big cat and we’ll measure just how bad they really are. If it was good enough for Siegfried and Roy, and at the Roman Coliseum, it should be good enough for the UFC.
My suggestion for the newest in Xbox games would be the “Pacman Jones Virtual Strip Club Shooting Gallery.” Gamers wander the club in the persona of the virtual Pacman, picking fights and exacting retribution from bouncers, patrons, and strippers they feel have insulted their delicate sensibilities. Accidentally shoot the innocent, and Roger Goodell suspends you for six games. Accidentally shoot yourself and you’re Plaxico Burress.
The good taste of hockey
Jarkko Ruutu, the Finnish flesh eater, got in a dust-up with the Buffalo Sabres’ Andrew Peters and did his best Hannibal Lecter impression, chomping down on Peters’ thumb during the scrape. Shown video of the incident, both Evander Holyfield and Danny Ainge fainted. Asked what he was thinking while gnawing on Peters’ appendage, Ruutu said, “Chicken with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.”
Incompetence of historic proportions
In 1964, William Clay Ford bought the Detroit Lions. Since that time, the Lions have won exactly one playoff game. Did you hear that, Patriots fans? One playoff game in 45 years. William Clay Ford’s grandfather was the great Henry Ford, the inventor of the assembly line and the Model T, but two generations later, his grandson can barely make oatmeal. Kind of makes me wonder if William Clay isn’t adopted. Ford and his motor company don’t deserve a congressional bailout. For the sake of Lions fans everywhere, they should be driven to the nearest veterinary clinic and be put down like a rabid ferret.
WEEI sports radio had a Cambridge fellow arrested because he was leaving obscene phone messages for some of its on-air hosts. I’m forced to point out that ’EEI’s afternoon show is called “The Big Show with the Big O,” and hey, maybe that confused the guy.
As part of Louis Vuitton’s collection honoring famed graffiti artist Stephen Sprouse, who died in 2004, the fashion house will market a skateboard with carrying case that only costs $8,250. I’ve been waiting months for somebody to make the American automobile look like a good value, and I believe this has finally done it.
Boston stand-up comedian Mike McDonald tells funny stories all over the world and sells the World's Funniest Golf Balls at ComedyGolf.com