If Paul Pierce and Kevin Garnett have shoe contracts with Nike, why can't Big Baby have a contract with Gerber or Stride Rite? I can see Glen Davis' smiling mug plastered all over the Gerber jar. The label would offer substantial baby-man food, like steak and potatoes, chicken and biscuits, or country ham and grits. Food a kid could sink his gums into, then post up the nursery school competition in the paint.
There could be an entire line of Big Baby products. Big Baby hats and pants. A Big Baby section in the Garden, filled with Big Baby seats. Drunks could wear Big Baby diapers, continue to order beers, and never have to leave those seats for the entire game.
Manny's an author
If you haven't heard, Manny Ramirez has written a book. Yes, Rain Man is vying for a coveted spot in Oprah's Book Club. What makes Manny's literary feat all the more remarkable is there's no proof Manny has ever even read a book, although a few found in his hotel room had been colored in.
Spring training hasn't even started yet, and J.D. Drew is already hurt. How does that happen? Did he twist his back getting out of the Mercedes? Tweak it avoiding a wayward champagne cork? Fall off a $13 million pile of cash? Put your socks on, Rocco Baldelli, because you're going to get plenty of playing time this year.
There was an outside possibility Michael Phelps would attend this year's Beanpot final, but suddenly Phelps realized he doesn't even like beans. Instead, he stayed at his Maryland training center and swam laps with Tommy Chong.
Guys, I want you to close your eyes and imagine being the quarterback of the Patriots and winning the Super Bowl three times. Then imagine finding a gorgeous Brazilian woman who makes more money than you do, and who's willing to hand-feed you grapes by the pool. That, my friends, is fantasy football.
Steroids cause memory loss
One major side effect suffered by players using steroids seems to be that they all suffer serious memory loss. MVPs, Cy Young Award winners, and future Hall of Famers just can't recall putting drugs into their bodies. Even after tests have proved Primobolan, Deca-durabolin, and testosterone are in their systems, none of these baseball players recollect ever having touched themselves with a needle ... until last week.
Miguel Tejada: "No." Roger Clemens: "No." Gary Sheffield, Sammy Sosa, and Rafael Palmeiro: "Absolutely not." Barry Bonds and A-Rod: "No way."
I've come to the conclusion that these drugs cause massive mental blackouts that make you completely forget you've ingested them, and that just can't be good for you.
All-Steroids starting lineup
Because steroid users don't seem to be able to remember who they are, I'd like to present my MLB All-Steroid starting lineup. I can't yet prove Bret Boone was on the juice, so I'm moving an extra shortstop over one spot to fill in at second base.
1B Jason Giambi/Mark McGwire
2B Alex Rodriguez
SS Miguel Tejada
3B Ken Caminiti
OF Jose Canseco
OF Barry Bonds
OF Sammy Sosa/Gary Sheffield
C Pudge Rodriguez
DH Rafael Palmeiro
P Roger Clemens
That’s a pretty potent lineup, in more ways than one.
The NFL according to Matthew
If you want your son to grow up to be an NFL quarterback, name him Matthew. I don’t know if some secret biblical scroll reveals that Matthew means “arm with a lightning bolt,” but no fewer than eight QBs, six of them with starting experience in today’s NFL, bear the name. On top of that, this year’s top QB prospect is Matt Stafford of Georgia. Next season, we could potentially see a week in which 20 percent of the starting QBs are named Matt.
Matt Cassel, New England
Matt Ryan, Atlanta
Matt Hasselbeck, Seattle
Matt Schaub, Houston
Matt Baker, Buffalo (released)
Matt Leinart, Arizona
Matt Moore, Carolina
Matt Flynn, Packers
Matt Stafford, who knows where, but he should be starting
Boston stand-up comedian Mike McDonald tells funny stories all over the world and sells the World’s Funniest Golf Balls at ComedyGolf.com