During the same week in which Hank Aaron turned 75 years old, hard evidence surfaced that some of the guys besting his records had indeed become supermen through chemical science. Jason Giambi, A-Roid, and Barry Bonds couldn't beat out old-school guys who played strictly on liquor and cigarettes. These new-school guys had to rub the lotion on their skin, swallow the pills, and inject the juice. Hell, Mickey Mantle and the Babe used to hit home runs while battling monumental hangovers and the occasional STD. Now, those were men. Not like these chemical brothers whose Valentine's Day gift to us, the fans, is a loaded 104-bullet weapon of mass destruction pointed right at America's pastime.
Varitek should apologize for not taking steroids
After hitting a full 10 points below Charles Barkley's blood alcohol level, Jason Varitek should apologize for not taking steroids last year. OK, I’m kidding. But when a guy can hit .220 with 43 RBI and still score $5 million, it shows you how desperate the league is for men who can squat behind the plate. And just in case, Jason, I have the keys to Brian McNamee’s junk trunk and A-Rod’s gym bag.
Swimming under the influence
Michael Phelps was not smoking from a bong in that picture. Those were scientifically developed underwater breathing exercises developed by Dr. Bob Marley. In Dr. Bob’s training regimen, you get your hair braided, you take herbal supplements, and you swim to Jamaica, mon.
After being locked in Olympic training jail for four years, the 23-year-old Phelps went out to a party, let all one inch of his hair down, and did what other 23-year-olds do. He drank beer, smoked pot, and the next morning probably woke up next to Porkulous the Wildebeest. Let’s face it: If Phelps had been pictured on the cover of Cigar Aficionado magazine with a martini, two blondes, and a Macanudo, he would’ve been treated like James Bond. Instead, his misstep with a pipe has moved the shrinkage from his Speedos to his endorsement contracts. That life lesson in money mismanagement should be penalty enough.
Cassel or Cassell, it's all money
At the beginning of the Celtics’ season, Sam Cassell at least wore a uniform while riding the pine and collecting his $1.2 million. Now he doesn’t even make the pretense of changing out of his suit. It raises the question, what the hell does this guy do exactly? Is he a coach? A player? Insurance policy or well-paid buddy to the bench? Does he get everybody doughnuts?
Should we freeze him and put him next to Ted Williams’ head? Both have logged the same amount of playing time. Cassell got a ring last year and has the best seat in the house this year. The Pats just gave Matt Cassel (slightly different pronunciation) the franchise tag and a raise of $14.6 million, or 28 times what he made last year. SCORE! Matt let it be known that he’d suck it up and return as Tom Brady’s backup. Finally, a guy who knows when to shut up as the Brink’s truck pulls up to the house. Cassel may actually collect $14.65 million next year and never take a snap … and then go out onto the open market to the highest bidder.
The good news: The NBA has made a great decision to add the game H-O-R-S-E to its All-Star weekend festivities. The bad news: Players can be eliminated both for missing shots and for spelling the word “horse” incorrectly. … Bobby Bowden, 79 years old, recently signed a new contract to continue coaching at Florida State. I immediately imagined 82-year-old Joe Paterno picking up the phone and saying, “Way to go, kid.” … In another reaction to the economy, car sponsors at the Indy 500 have decided to call the race the Indy $3.99, and will periodically go into the stands and ask fans for gas money.
Boston stand-up comedian Mike McDonald tells funny stories all over the world and sells the World's Funniest Golf Balls at ComedyGolf.com