He likes Mount Union, big-time

Mount Union has won an NCAA-record 55 consecutive games and 109 of its last 110. This season, the Purple Raiders have shut out six of 13 opponents and scored at least 50 points eight times. On paper, they're a small school with small players; on the field, they're an avalanche in cleats.

(Mount Union has an enrollment of 2,095, coincidentally the exact same number on Ohio State's scout team.)

In 18 years at Mount Union, coach Larry Kehres is 205-17-3; since 1990, he's 175-7-1. His bottom line's so good, Berkshire Hathaway is tipping investors to load up on Kehres.

On Saturday on ESPN2, Mount Union and Kehres go for their fourth straight Division 3 national title against St. John's (Minn.) and its legendary coach, John Gagliardi. This is like Knute Rockne against Pop Warner, except with lots of forward passes and "SportsCenter" promos.

Anyway, disenchanted by the BCS, I programmed my PlayStation 2 to simulate a collegiate Super Bowl, and here was the final score: Mount Union 37, USC 32.

But let's move on. This is the time of year when everybody can use an extra 10 bits in their pockets, so let's give away lots of money! You've got questions out there, we've got answers in here, and the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway has expanded holiday business hours:

Q: The BCS is like the weather -- everybody complains about it but nobody does anything about it. Do you have a solution? (Robert Breen, Indianapolis)

A: One time on "I Love Lucy," Lucy was in charge of the monthly household bills, but she didn't have enough money to pay them, so she put all the bills on a Lazy Susan, spun them around, and took care of whichever ones didn't fall off.

Q: Do NFL coaches normally shower after games? (M. Skidley, Hoffman Estates, Ill.)

A: It varies. For instance, Bill Cowher takes a cold shower after every game, Dick Vermeil prefers a bubble bath, and Brian Billick skips bathing altogether to allow him more time to explain to the media how the Earth rotates on its axis.

Q: Suddenly poker's all the rage on TV. What's next, chess? (Peter Lake, Fremont, Calif.)

A: I watched the Garry Kasparov-Deep Junior match earlier this year and, hey, I'm not saying it's "The Magnificent Seven," but compared with, say, sailing on TV -- trust me, folks, there's actually more visible movement in chess. By the way, I still can't believe Kasparov offered Deep Junior a draw after Move 23 -- and the computer declined! That's one tough machine.

Q: Do the Detroit Lions have an exit strategy? (Robert Raven, Seattle)

A: The shortest distance between two points is a straight line, but when leaving the locker room after a road loss, the Lions usually loop around to the southwest entrance to avoid questioning.

Q: The other day, a football announcer was saying how one team's defensive linemen were going to pin their ears back and rush after the quarterback. Have you ever seen a defensive lineman with his ears pinned back? (Tom Mollica, West Milwaukee, Wis.)

A: No, but I once saw Mark Gastineau with his ponytail between his legs.

Q: When you die, can I write your column? (Matt Michalik, Homewood, Ill.) A: You're late, pal -- I died several years ago and my estate has kept the column alive through the use of Mad Libs.

Q: Roseanne's show has been off the air for several years now. Why hasn't Tom Arnold's 15 minutes of fame already ended? (Jeff Rauman, West Allis, Wis.)

A: Tom Arnold not only doesn't wear a watch, I don't even believe he can tell time.

Q: Do you always sit on the sofa while watching TV? (Laura Gallagher, Haverhill)

A: Sure. I enjoy the warmth and comfort of a good couch, plus from time to time I find change under the cushions, so I can actually make money while doing nothing.

Q: You always advertise you will give out $1.25 in cash if a question is used. Isn't it illegal to send money through the mail? (Todd Baldi, Gila Bend, Ariz.)

A: What, you want me to show up at your front door like Ed McMahon?

Q: Why can't the ground cause a fumble? (Mike Ganis, Houston)

A: This is perhaps best explained by reading Franz Kafka's "The Metamorphosis."

Q: How many of these questions do you get each week? (Bob Campbell, Medina, Ohio)

A: Well, at least one more than I would've liked.

You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just e-mail asktheslouch@aol.com and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!