Testing times ahead

SCOTTSDALE, Ariz. -- The exercise was a bit like trying to step over a slumbering elephant in a tiny parlor full of handblown glass. How do you talk to slugger Barry Bonds without mentioning BALCO? How do you ask him how his offseason has been without discussing the plight of his personal trainer, Greg Anderson, who has been charged with distributing illegal steroids to athletes?

You can't, of course. The small horde of anxious scribes awaiting Bonds's arrival yesterday at Scottsdale Stadium, the spring training site of the San Francisco Giants, was not there to chronicle his offseason trips to Aspen, or his afternoon cavorting with Roger Clemens in the Bahamas at a celebrity golf tournament. They were there to see whether the slumbering beast will awaken sometime soon and shatter the reputation of last year's Most Valuable Player in the National League.

Bonds has not been charged with anything. He has not failed a drug test or admitted to taking any banned substances. Yet, as he embarks on the 2004 season with 658 career home runs in tow, taking direct aim at his godfather and boyhood idol, Willie Mays, who stands two homers away at No. 3 on the all-time list, he will begin another assault on the record books with questions, innuendos, and suspicions awaiting him at every turn. This is inevitable. When your personal trainer is named as part of a steroid ring operating out of the Bay Area Laboratory Co-Operative (the aforementioned BALCO), you've got an image problem.

"We won't have to talk about this much once the tests come out, and then we'll know," Bonds said yesterday. "They can test me any time. Every day, if they want to."

The influx of banned substances in baseball has left many baseball purists prepared to dismiss the numbers of the modern sluggers. Bonds is hardly the only one who has had to contend with skeptics. Mark McGwire, now retired, also was confronted with the issue of steroids, nutritional supplements, and male growth hormones, some of which are more easily detected than others.

"I believe if I wasn't going for these records, there wouldn't be so much [attention on it]," Bonds said. "But, because of what I've accomplished, it's more magnified. I can deal with that. If you want to be on top, you've got to have broad shoulders. I have broad shoulders."

Those broad shoulders look as solid and imposing as ever. Bonds reported he was coming to camp at around 225 pounds, "maybe even a little heavier." He endured the most difficult offseason of his career, he said, but for reasons that had nothing to do with BALCO.

Last August, Bobby Bonds, Barry's father, mentor, coach, and confidant, died of cancer. The first time Barry Bonds went down to SBC Park (formerly Pac Bell) in December to do some hitting, he broke down and wept in the batting cage.

"It's been difficult," Bonds admitted. "I did all my hitting with my dad, every day. It's tough not hearing his voice, not hearing him yell at me."

He has turned to Mays for help in coping with his grief.

"Willie has been working out with me three days a week, easing the pain of going through the process of losing my father," said Bonds. "I'm focused now."

His focus will be tested in the months ahead, as the BALCO scandal expands, and Anderson names names. Asked how he feels about what lies ahead for Anderson, Bonds begins to speak, but Blake Rhodes, the Giants director of media relations, abruptly cuts in.

"He can't answer questions about that situation," Rhodes said.

"I'm just going to play the game of baseball," said Bonds. "That's all I can do. I'll let my bat do the talking."

But the elephant is stirring, and the delicate balance between respect for the memory of Bonds's father and the need for the news of the day is tested. Bonds is asked if he's troubled by the cloud of suspicion that has engulfed him, although he's never been charged.

"I think it bothers everyone," he answered.

Is that fair, he is asked.

"Is life fair?" Bonds shot back. "That's how I look at it."

They are watching him, he knows that. If he falters this season, will he be scrutinized about whether he's changed his habits now that testing will be so prominent?

"That could be," Bonds conceded. "But at some point, does my age play a role in this? Geez, I'm going to be 40 soon. I train hard, very hard, to prepare to play baseball, but I'm at the point now where there are days I can't do it. I'm too exhausted, or too sore, or my back hurts. I'll try and stay with it best I can, but sooner or later my age [comes into play]."

He has been reflective during this long and painful offseason. He has listened to Hank Aaron discuss the history of baseball, and the struggles of African-Americans to take their rightful place in the game. Aaron has urged Bonds to assume a more visible role as an African-American leader; the Giants star says he will try. Mays has told him to enjoy his job a little more; Bonds says he will try that, too.

"I spent a lot of time with Willie this winter," Bonds said. "I wanted to be able to understand his contribution to the game of baseball, and to San Francisco. I wanted to know what this all really means, what I'm really accomplishing here.

"I wanted to sit down with the man that did it, my icon and idol, a part of my family, who will always be that whether I pass him or not."

There will be tough days ahead, on and off the field. Bonds said the BALCO scandal will not deter him. He worries more about March 15, his father's birthday, and how his mother will fare now that she's alone.

"I'm not even sure I'll play that day," he said. "I might want to be with my mom."

He will not be with Greg Anderson again in the near future. Anderson, a fixture alongside Bonds last season, has been banned from the San Francisco clubhouse.

"I feel bad for him," said Bonds. "We grew up together. We're friends. It's unfortunate what he's going through."

The interview is over. There are questions that cannot and will not be answered. The elephant curls up his trunk and resumes his nap without incident.

He is slumbering now, and the tiny parlor is intact. But this beast will not sleep forever.

Jackie MacMullan is a Globe columnist. Her e-mail address is macmullan@globe.com.