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Keep your enemies closer

Posted by Chad Finn, Globe Staff  September 18, 2008 12:40 PM

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Travis Snider: From what I've seen of the Jays' prized 20-year-old beer keg of an outfielder, he's going to be tormenting a lot of teams for seasons to come.

Buck Coats: Actually, he's done nothing memorable as far as I can recall. I just wanted to type "Buck Coats." (Why yes, actually, it was fulfilling. Thanks for asking.)

Frank Thomas: The Big Hurt (talk about your double meanings) still pummels the Sox like it's 1992. And yes, he is a no-doubt Hall of Famer.

Vernon Wells: He's hardly a stiff, but it seems he only lives up to his $126 million contract against the Red Sox.

Julio Lugo: The enemy within. How many times a day do you think he hears, "Aw, Julio, take your time. Get healthy. No rush. You don't want to reinjure that thing"?

Jeremy Guthrie: Seems like they can never touch this mediocre Mussina wannabe.

Ramon Hernandez: Carries himself like he's some dazzling combination of Johnny Bench and Brad Pitt, and besides, I still loathe him for that bunt in Game 1 of the 2003 ALDS.

Joba Chamberlain: A $100-million arm. A brain crafted out of Slim Jims.

Jason Giambi: Strange how his power still seems to come and go in cycles. I'll give him credit though: he's grown the thickest, most awesome mustache since either Mark Spitz or Andreas Krieger. (Google the name. I dare you.)

Brett Gardner: He could be Jason Tyner's wimpier kid brother, but somehow he beat Jonathan Papelbon with a 62-hopper earlier this season.

Garret Anderson: He's been a Troy O'Leary-like hitter for a few year now (his adjusted OPS this season is 97), but it seems the only way the Sox can handle him is if he has a blinding case of pink eye.

Maicer Izturis: The Izturises (Izturii?) and Aybars - infernal pests, all of them.

Okay, that's all I've got. Tell me who I forgot in the comments, keeping in mind that annoyances such as Catalanotto and Gregg Zaun were "honored" previously . . .

* * *

As for today's Completely Random Baseball Card:

And somewhere, Wave 'Em In Wendell Kim wonders why he never got a managerial gig.

About Touching All The Bases

Irreverence and insight from Chad Finn, a Globe/Boston.com sports writer and media columnist. A winner of several national and regional writing awards, he is the founder and sole contributor to the TATB blog, which launched in December 2004. Yes, he realizes how lucky he is.

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