Toast to Red Sox, blue states, and white-hot Moore
Greetings, friends, with tidings glad we
Ask this Christmas: Who's your daddy?
Santa Claus? Sure, that old elf, too.
Rudolph? Frosty? All too true.
For 'tis the season to be jolly,
Thankful, thoughtful, peaceful, poly-
Rhythmic in the singing of
Hymns to those we know and love.
So deck the halls this holiday
As we switch modes to Shuffle Play
And randomly replay the news
From all the states, reds and blues,
While gasping at how fast a year goes
Filled with drama, rascals, heroes,
Broken curses, grand parades --
Quick now, before the power fades!
The Sox are champs, the Yankees choked.
The Big Dig leaked. Kerry got croaked.
Gay weddings won the court's OK
While elsewhere rang the cry, "DeLay!"
Janet's wardrobe failed to hold her
So the FCC grew (bleeping) bolder.
Michael Moore turned up the heat
But Rove knew how to hit Repeat.
Sears and
CBS? Rather "misled."
Fox News' ratings grew as large as
Bill O'Reilly's cellphone charges.
Gibson flogged the screen with "Passion,"
Blogging was the latest fashion.
Desperate housewives doffed their skirts
And hockey players lost their shirts.
Still, we're not here to smirk or grouse --
Not on this day! Not in this house!
It's Christmas, kids, and just behind us
Hanukkah, too, which should remind us
What's important and what's trivial
So on that note far more convivial
Let us toast some folks who made
2004 a memory upgrade.
Champagne, garon, for Angry Bill,
Jamie Foxx, and Gwen Ifill.
Salud, Michael Imperioli.
Bottoms up! to Scott Pioli.
Lay a glass of eggnog on
Philip Roth, Charlize Theron,
Elizabeth Edwards, George Howe Colt,
Aimee Mann, and Lester Holt.
Grab your coat -- pray, let's not tarry,
We're off to gambol with Prince Harry,
Scissor Sisters, Paris Hilton,
Earthwind Moreland, and Dan Glickman,
Then dance a sultry bossa nova
With Maria Sharapova
And execute an Irish step dance
Side by side with SpongeBob SquarePants.
Ring those jingly holiday bells
For Bello Nock and David Wells.
We'll gift aromatherapy
On Ashlee Simpson, Gwen Stefani,
Michael Colton, Chris Bohjalian,
Gillian Welch, and Bob Dylan,
And wrap a bunch of rap CDs
For Kanye West and the Black Eyed Peas.
Please warm the sleigh for Minnie Driver,
Matthew Ritchie, Maria Shriver,
Olympia Snowe, Tom Brokaw,
Teri Hatcher, and Jude Law,
Then pack a gift-filled portmanteau
For Roger Brown and Al Jarreau.
We'll be feeling that much warmer
Next to good guys like Paul Farmer
While troll we ancient yuletide carols
With Lynne Truss and Colin Farrell,
Click and Clack, Carol Noonan,
Vivien Li, and Seth Mnookin.
Oh, do let's go a candy-caning
With Linda Ronstadt and Matt Groening,
Christy Mihos, Barack Obama,
And Kerri Walsh. (Yo, who's your mama?)
Party on, dudes. Don't quit now!
Why look, here comes ol' Ron Chernow,
Vijay Singh, Fountains of Wayne,
Ken Jennings, and Carol Kane.
Can that be the Gisele Bundchen
Carving up the Christmas hen?
If we did not know better, man,
We'd swear that's David Letterman
Sharing schnapps and a cigar
With Spain's Pedro Almodovar,
Howard Fineman, Lindsay Lohan,
Paul Giamatti, and Josh Groban.
Now softly blow the flugelhorn.
Our card is sent, our work here done.
The tree's aglow, the fire's stoked.
The turkey's cooked, the salmon's smoked.
To all who've read our thoughts this far
We wish upon a Christmas star
All blessings in the year to come.
Who's your daddy? To each his own.
Joseph P. Kahn parks his sleigh at jkahn@globe.com.
