Child Caring chat - October 10, 2006
momx3: I have a 10 month old who is getting up often at night. He has just started pulling himself up in his crib. I am not a fan of letting babies cry, but bringing him into our bed is getting very old. What can you suggest?
Barbara_Meltz: momx3, It's a weaning process. No one (not even Ferber) is a fan of letting babies cry. You begin with teeny steps, like going into his room, settling him down, rubbing his back, staying as long as it takes to get him settled. Maybe you sleep on the floor in his room. Or in a chair. Then gradually you step back, so that instead of sitting in a chair next to his crib and rubbing his back through the slats, you move the chair three feet away, and then you move it to the door of the room. This is a process that can take weeks. It also takes perserverance and patience. You have to be prepared to do it, because if you start and "give in," then you have to start all over again. There are many books on this, including Ferber's new edition, solving your child's sleep problems.
northwestmom: What are your thoughts about parents holding back kids a year? I've always been of the theory that unless I'm told by teachers otherwise, then enroll kids in the normal timeframe. However my 4-yr is a slightly shy August, 2nd born girl, only 1 grade behind her sister. How do I know if she'll be able to handle herself, esp with all the other much older kid who were held back? I just don't want her eaten alive or feeling that she can't speak up..thanks!
Barbara_Meltz: northwestmom, I tend to agree with you: unless there are obvious issues, social, emotional, cognitive or behavioral, I advise not holding back. One thing parents tend not to think about is what it will be like for this held-back child when she is the first one to develop, to get her period, drive a car, etc. Being the oldest is not always terrific, either! Unfortunatley, t here's no crystal ball. I would have a converation with her preschool teachers: how is she doing socially? Does she play well with others, share, take turns? Or is she always standing back from the group? The best you can do is make an educated guess based on what you know now, getting as much input as you can. Kids do tend to catch up in about third grade. In the end, you have to go with your gut.
Baijos8808: Barbara - earlier you raised a question about the most recent school shootings. What is your opinion about them - and will you be writing something in the future on this topic?
Barbara_Meltz: Baijos8808, yep, I am writing about them, in short, my opinion is that parents need to find ways to talk to their kids about them in age-appropriate ways; and I'm looking for parents to interview if you have kids who are frightened. Email me!
Stevo: How do you move a newborn from the parents bed into their own crib? Our child is 8 weeks and we need some privacy.
Barbara_Meltz: Stevo, At 8 weeks, this is as much about you as it is about the baby. You both need to agree it's the way to go (so there isn't resentment), and then you both need to be prepared to make it happen. As I said earlier, it may take some time, but with a baby this young, it shouldn't be too hard. A day or two at most. One compromise is to start with the bassinette in your room. But that may not even be necessary. Create a bedtime ritual, even at this age, that allows him to settle down. Another good book is Brazelton's, Sleep the Brazelton Way.
nnc143: I have a 13 year old daughter who is going through a tough time with friends right now. She has a group of 6 friends she has been close with since they were very young. Over the summer they have begun to exclude her and it has come to head this past week. She is completely devastated, especially since we can't seem to find out what the problem is. Do you have any advise on how I can help her through this difficult time. I have spoke with the parents (who are my friends also) and they have not been honest so we don't feel there is much we can do to rectify the friendships, but how can I help her self esteem and help her move on? Do you know of any good books on this subject?
Barbara_Meltz: NNC143, brace yourself, this won't be the first time it happens. 13 is an awful age for this, girls can be mean and nasty and very clique-y. Clearly something has happened but you will likely never know what, even if your daughter does (and she well may not). So give up on that piece. However, it's always worth while trying to examine a chidl critically: does she have body odor or bad breath? Does she dress in a way the girls consider out of it? The best you can do is to validate how hard it is to be excluded and eventually try to help her move on by finding some new activities she might like where she might meet new friends (think volunteering, not just lessons) Email me for a column on the subject.
Dadof2: I have two young children - a daughter aged 2.5 and a son 4.5 months. My wife and I are having a heck of a time getting out daughter to sleep in her bed all night. She's gotten into the habit of sleeping with us. We try to instill some routine, but we end up caving to avoid her meltdowns. Any advice?
Barbara_Meltz: dadof2: you answered your own question. You can't cave!! You set yourself back every time you do. Please see the answer above about sleeping -- the goal is for her to feel comfortable in her own bed, and in her own room. Spend daylight time int he room with her; stay with the bedtime routine, and then when she wakes up in the night, do what you have to do to settle her down there, including staying in the room with her: "You need to sleep in your own bed. I'll stay here with you until you fall asleep." ANd then you wean. Like I said above, it takes perserverance!
tryinghardmom: hi barbara, my soon to be eight year old has begun declaring that she "loves" a certain boy from school and wants to leave him anonymous notes...how do i best manage this?
Barbara_Meltz: tryinghardmom, First of all, be grateful that she's telling you about it and seeking your adivce!! Girls get so many mixed messages from the media these days, and even from their play (Bratz dolls, for instance) that I would pay a lot of attention to what she's viewing. But that doesn't deal with the hear & now. So: I would suggest she invite him over for a playdate, or for you to arrange something with the mother of the boy, going to the playground together (something that doesn't smack of "dating;" not going to the mall, or a movie). The idea is to acknowledge that she likes him, and treat it as you would any playmate, to neutralize the gender issue and take any "romance" out of it.
tryinghardmom: and to answer your question about the shootingsw, I'm fearful of my kid attending school! i want to keep her home.
Barbara_Meltz: tryinghardmom: DON'T!! That would be the worst thing you could do.
frank: should a daughter and mother have a best friend type of relationship ?
Barbara_Meltz: frank, Not if it stops the mother from still being a parent. What is to be avoided at all costs is a mother who adultifies a child (including a teen) and shares her problems and thus burdens a child with adult issues. Plus, in general, I think parents get into trouble when they forget they need to be parents. On the other hand, I know of many parents who manage to be both very successfully because they are able to keep boundaries on the adult side of it.
2much: Would you be able to give suggestions for how to make a 5 year old listen to you, in the house, out in public, etc.
Barbara_Meltz: 2much, email me for a column with strategies, called "mini magic." It's one of my favorites.
rosie: My sil is expecting her second child soon, and her 3 year old is already out of sorts about it. He will not allow her to talk to anyone, or interact with anyone besides him. He is very demanding, in a rude (if 3 year olds can be rude) sort of way. She has been asking me for help, my youngest is 8 and I don't really remember this stage. Any suggestions for her? Quick before the baby arrives!
Barbara_Meltz: rosie, there's a section in my book on preparing the first born (book = put yourself in their shoes, undertanding how your children see the world.). Also, email me for a column on this.
harryp: I have a two year old that seems to constantly whine. We have tried telling him to use his "words" when he needs something, but it always comes back to the whining and crying. Any suggestions?
Barbara_Meltz: harryp, kids this age may not know what it means to whine. They hear the word, but that doesn't mean they know the behavior. Email me for a column on whining!
Barbara_Meltz: I'm sorry to have to end the chat -- there are lots of questions I didn't get to. Come back again for my next chat, Oct. 16.
