Barbara Meltz - October 16, 2006

Barbara_Meltz: Welcome to the parenting chat-- we're open for business.
Barbara_Meltz: sorry -- computer glitch. i'll dig in now.

soconcerned: What can be done about a 3 year old who grinds her teeth at night? It is the most horrific noise I have ever heard, and it is so painful to not be able to do anything for her. Do you have any suggestions? She does not seem to be aware that she is doing it and shows no symtoms during the day.
Barbara_Meltz: soconcerned, have you talked to your pediatrician or pediatric dentist? This is usually not something your child is aware of. In adults, biteguards can be used. Not sure what you can do with a child this young, but it is a medical issue, because it can affect the way the jaw and teeth grow. So start asking some questions!

tweenmom: My daughter has just started middle school. we are hearing from old friends that she's been controlling and mean. When we talk with her about it, she seems to have no idea what we mean. It seems those who've witnessed the behavior have not called her on it. When I spoke with her about a specific incident, she cried and called her friend to apologize, and the friend answered "Oh that, I don't care." I've told my daughter to watch her delivery and understand that she's hurting others without meaning to. What else can I do?
Barbara_Meltz: Tweenmom, Some kids use a tone of voice with friends that is bossy and mean sounding, but they don't recognize it as such. The other issue at this age is that kids can be very mean and nasty to each other; in fact, it's often called "the mean & nasties." All iit takeks is one girl saying something about someone else for that girl to be blackballed by her group of friends. So you're right to be concerned. I would start by noticing the tone of voice she uses at home and prompting her by saying something like, "Did you mean to sound so mean?" Probably she didn't. What she needs is some concrete examples of what she's doing that mighit be turning kids off. So self awareness is the start. She also needs to be aware that she is affecting her friends. The friend who said, oh i don't care, might be someone you could siti down and talk to about this, the three of you, that is.

Lucille: My daughter is having intermittent problems hearing. It is affecting her ability to learn phonics in the first grade. Her ENT is testing her hearing and is taking care of it. In the meantime, since she hates being drilled on things and hates the repititon, we'd like some suggestions on how to creatively help her with phonics? Also, she doesn't like the early readers; they are too boring and she is incapable of reading the books that she likes and comprehends well like chapter books. So how do we step her up to those books when she isn't able to read most sentences yet?
Barbara_Meltz: Lucille, I'm certainly not an expert on reading issues. I would try cutting back on the drill & skill; no kid this age likes that and I've never been a fan. And I would incrrease the amount of reading to her, so that reading itself continues to be enjoyable and she's getting content that keeps her interested. Meanwhile, I'd make an appointment with the reading specialist at her school to get some good advice.

mamax3: My second grader hates his teacher this year. He says that she yells constantly, never talks nicely to the kids. She doesn't yell at him, just the class as a whole. He used to love school but this teacher is changing his mind. I keep telling him that he just has to deal with it right now and that he won't always have the best teachers. Your thoughts? Do I say something to the teacher, if so, what? He's such a sensitive kid and I want him to love school again.
Barbara_Meltz: Mamax3, You're right to be concerned because even at this young age, school phobia can set in, and impressions can be lasting ones.
Barbara_Meltz: The first thing I'd do is talk to some other parents of kidsd in the class. Are their kids saying the same thing? Is this by any chance a new teacher? Or a veteran teacher who's burned out? If you find that your son isn't alone, then it's clearly more than his perception and not an interpersonal issue and I would go to the teacher first. Always go to the teacher first!! But do it in a respectful way: my son is very sensitive, I'm wondering what thoughts you have to make him feel more comfortable in your classroom. If you find that she's unresponsive, then you can take it up the line to the principal, including with other parents.
Barbara_Meltz: however, if you talk to other parents and find that otherchildren aren't saying the same thing, then it may well be something going on between your son and this teacher. Either way, I would still go and talk to her.

Publius: Hi Barbara - how do you deal with a child who breaks into tears whenever she doesn't get things exactly the way she wants? She is five, very bright, but can go from happy to crying for something as small as not getting to take a wrapper off a straw (and no, I won't make that mistake again.)
Barbara_Meltz: Publius, some of this is undoubtedly her temperament; some of it is a learned behavior. How good are you at setting limits and holding to them? If she has learned that by crying you will eventually give in, then she won't care that she is getting her way through negative attention. Your task is to figure out how much of that is going on, and then to be very careful about a) picking your battles, and b) not issuiing empty threats. If you tell her no, you need to hold firm and then be able to tolerate her unhappiness. I've written a column on kids who whine; the same principles apply to this kind of behavior. Email me and I'll send it to you. (That offer is good for any chatter.)

Mr__Mom: Hi, How long of a nap should my 2 year old be taking?
Barbara_Meltz: Mr. Mom, according to Richard Ferber, in his new edition, Solve your child's sleep problem, the typical 2 year old needs a total of 11 1/2 hours of sleep for every 24, with one nap just under 2 hours.

donty: my son recently started kindergarten. i can see that he's being influenced by other kids in the class. he's testing us to see what he can get away with at home. some of the kids are from our neighborhood and, quite frankly, are brats. any suggestions on what to say when talking to a 5 year old about kids in the neighborhood? he knows what's acceptable in our house, but i feel i need to point out the misbehavior of others. i don't want him to know that we don't particularly care for some of the other children
Barbara_Meltz: Donty, you're right not to want to criticize neighborhood kids; that'll come back to haunt you, for sure! Instead, make this your mantra: "In our family....this is how we do things." Children are able to make distinctions between their family and others, between their home and others. so that's the way to not allow behaviors you don't like, and when he says, but so and so says that, etc., you can simply say, "In our family, we don't use the word stupid. It hurts people's feelings." (It's always good to have a reason.)

Jen: Barbara, my brother is married to a transgendered woman. My 5yo daughter has been asking about her aunt and uncle and wants to know when they'll have babies. I am wondering if/when I should broach the subject of their situation with her? It's an open secret in our family (we all know but don't talk about it). I don't want her to grow up feeling like it's wrong or shameful, she loves them.
Barbara_Meltz: Jen, at this age, your daughter does not need a full explanation. You can simply say that everybody who gets married doesn't necessarily have children, and that some people can't have children because there's something in their bodies that doesn't let that happen. If this is an open secret in your family, at some point I would clearly state that not everyone is able to have a baby. She doesn't need any more information than that at this age, but it's possible she's glomming on to this issue because she's picked up on commenets from family members so i would want to be honest but age appropriate.

sunny: Do you agree with the recent findings that it's ok to have kids booked with activities? When is a good age to get kids started on activities? I have a 3 year old girl and 1 year old boy. Thanks!
Barbara_Meltz: Sunny, The study, which I wrote about -- email me for the article -- was not advocating for activities for children this young, and it was not saying that over-scheduling in itself is a good thing; the activities need to fit into the schedule and context of the family, AND the child needs to enjoy them. I hope you are not thinking about activities for 1 and 3 yrear olds. I am absolutely not an advocate for structured activities for children this young, otyher than daycare.

toddlermom: Hi Barbara, My daughter is just about 16 months. What books do you suggest for understanding the different developmental phases that she is currently going through and will be going through in upcoming months. Thanks so much! I love your columns!
Barbara_Meltz: Toddlermom, you mean in addition to my book?! Actually, I can recommend two, Harvey Karp's, The happiest toddler on the block," and "Touchpoints" by T. Berry Brazelton. And yes, my own book is pretty good, too, if I may be so immodest to say so. (Put yourself in their shoes, understanding how your children see the world.")
Barbara_Meltz: Loucille, scroll back, I did answer you.

momof2: My daughter will be 3 in January- and she shows no interest in potty training. She will use the potty - but will not have a bowel movement in it. We have tried all kinds of rewards- but nothing is working? In all other areas of development she is advanced- any ideas?
Barbara_Meltz: momof2, yes: back off. For many children, the only way they can exercise control in their lives -- something a 3 yo wants above all else -- is to not use the potty when they see how much it matters to mom and dad. So that means that you need to do two things: find whatever ways possible to give her control in other areas of her life (offer her choices you can live with), and to back off on the potty. The more matter of fact you can be about it (if you want to use tyhe potty, it's your decision), the more likely she will use it. I've written a column on late to train children (which she isn't), email me for a copy. By the way, since you are a mom of 2, although I don't know if your other is older or not, every child comes to the potty with different issues; just because one trains easily doesn't mean the same strategy will work on the second.

mykidz: Is it too early to start potty training my 2 year old son?
Barbara_Meltz: mykids, yes, it's too soon. You know your child is ready to train when he is able to tell you, i have a wet diaper, etc.; when he is regular enough for you to know about when it's time to use the potty; when he's showing interest in it' when his language is good enough to talk about what he needs. Generally, this doesn't happen for boys until at least 2.9. Also, all of these signs need to be there. A good book on the subject is Toilet Training, the Brazelton Way, by T. Berry Brazelton.

tweenmom: So talk to my daughter with the affected friend?
Barbara_Meltz: tweenmom, yes, but not if your daughter doesn't want you to. You need to find a way to approach this that will feel comfortable to her. Like maybe if the two of them are sitting around your kitchen table, and it feels comfortable for you to bring up a related subject that will get you there. You need to feel your way on this, not force it on her.

logandoodle: Hi Barbara- My 14 week old infant hates the car. He screams almost every time we have to take him out. Any sgguestions> We've tried many things already.
Barbara_Meltz: logandoddle, that's so unusual. I wonder if there's something about the car seat that's uncomfortable, or too tight? But probably you've tried that. OK, one idea: when he's in his infant seat, put it on top of the dryer. that will give him the sensation of vibration and also the loud noise. It might help ease him into it. Does he hate loud noises? If you think that's it, you need to desensitize him to them, first having the noice at a great distance, then moving him very gradually closer to it. Dryer just m igiht h elp.

momof3teens: My 14 year old daughter has a boyfriend. Same age but he's in 8th grade. It all seems fairly innocent but she sometimes sees him without us knowing. I find out from other moms thru their daugthers. I try to talk to her about this but she gets very irritated and shuts down. I have discussed sex and intimacy with her in the past but all she tells me is that she's not "doing anything". She is our youngest and the only girl. It doesn't help that she is tall, slim and very pretty. We worry. Any tips on talking to her?
Barbara_Meltz: momof3teens, It seems like dishonesty is as much the issue here as intimacy. Here's the line you want: "My job as a parent is to make sure you are safe. If you're lying to me sometimes, how can I do my job, and how can I trust that you are safe?" These are not easy conversations to have, but if you come at them in ways that seem critical and judgemental, then she's just gonna tune you out. Making "I" statements may help.

pidgie: Barbara, I'm very concerned. My daighter recently became a working mom. Caregiver is a relative. Mom has relinquished primacy to daddy. my husband and I are being alienated. the children are conflicted and anxious. How can we help them? We're heart sick. Pidgie.
Barbara_Meltz: Pidgie, this sounds way too complicated and difficult a situation for me to respond to.

ARose: What is the best way to confront an 11-year-old about potentially risky behaviors? I recently mistakenly assumed that my son had done something unacceptable - luckily it turned out I was wrong, but he was offended that I even thought he was capable of it. I tried to approach it with saying "I won't be mad at you, I just want to make sure that nothing is going on."
Barbara_Meltz: ARose, what's really important to most children this age is feeling respected by their parents. right now, he's feeling that you didn't respect and didn't trust him. So you need to backtrack a little and admit that you over-reacted, that you're sorry, and that you'll try hard not to do that again. But at the same time, what you need in return is to know that he's talking to you. That's more likely to happen if you do things with him that he likes, just the two of you, and if you show that you are able to tolerate the kind of conversations and things he tells you without being shocked, judgemental, or critical. Many kids will tell you things when they're riding in the car with you. It's because there's no eye contact.

sunny: Oh no, not activities for them now - just what age should things start. And I definitely do not want to have overscheduled kids - I think my tendency would not to sign them up for anything. Just wondering how to take cues from them about what they would like and at what age.
Barbara_Meltz: sunny, phew, glad to hear that! right -- taking cues from them, giving them a variety of things to try, these are all good ideas. But the hard truth is that supervised activities really don't need to start until age 6 or 7. 7 is ideal in my opinion. Definitely don't start in kindergarten; it's stressful enough for kidis to deal with the transition to school.

shloobydoo: my almost 3-year old daughter likes to test me and see how far I will go when she does something wrong, what's the best way to handle this. right now i take her to her room and give her timeout. how long should this be, i make sure she knows she did something wrong, etc.
Barbara_Meltz: shloobydoo, I'm not a big fan of timeout, especially not at this age. Email me for a column called Mini-magic, which is full of good strategies to use for chidlren this age.

Jen: Barbara, Sorry, one more questions. My daughter saw a segment on TV the other night about a girl who had two transgendered parents (we didn't turn the station fast enough to avoid the news) and my 5yo was full of questions -- of course. I nearly told her then that her auntie was like those two people. Would that have been okay or is she just too young to grasp this?
Barbara_Meltz: Jen, well, you know what they say about teachable moments...It all depends on your child, and on how comfortable you are about talking to her about it. If you can handle it in a matter of fact way, without being judgemental or sad or uncomfortable, then I just might use the opportunity because I would bet that she's picked up on something in your family, some conversation. I can't think of any other reason for why she would be showing interest in either the program or the couple. And I'm a firm believe in not keeping family secrets, as long as you can talk about them in age appropriate ways.

mykidz: my 5 year old daughter gets car sick in our car but not on the school bus. What gives, is this in her head (anxiety) and shes making herself sick?
Barbara_Meltz: mykidz, I get carsick in the backseat of a car, but not in a bus myself. It could have something to do with the height of the seat, also could be that she's distracted in the bus. Have you asked her what ideas she has about it?
Barbara_Meltz: I've gone over my time. Thanks for joining the chat.