Childcare with Barbara Meltz: Nov. 20, 2006

Vinny: My soon to be 4 year old is in the process of toilet training. We are starting to get concerned and wonder whether we should raise the issue with his pediatrician. Although there are days when he does not wet himself fhere are other days when he repeatidly wets himself. In addition, he continues to consistenly have bowel movements in his underwear and refuses to use the toilet for that. At what point should we be concerned versus chalking this all up to as part of the toilet training process?
Barbara_Meltz: Vinny, Have you tried backing off altogether? Generally, when a child doesn't train by this age, there is one of two reasons: parents have been hovering too much, gotten themselves worked up into a tizzy about it, and the child backs off because he sees this as one way to exert control over his envirionment. It's not like he's out to "get" you, rather that all kids want to have as much control as possible (well, all humans, right?) and when they see how much it matters to you, they seize on the opportunity. Kind of a negative attention.
Barbara_Meltz: The other major reason kids train late is because there is some medical issue. So, yes, if you haven't talked to your pediatrician about it, it's worth mentioning to him. If you haven't backed off, it's worth trying that, too, where you say to him, "You know, when you're ready to use the potty, let us know. It's your body and you're in charge." And then stop with all the requests, rewards, etc., and when he has an accident, be matter of fact about cleaning it up. Two more things: Children's Hospital runs an excellent toileting clinic, they may be able to help you over the phone, 617.355.7025; I've written about late to train kids, email me for a copy.
Barbara_Meltz: Chatters -- a request. I'm doing a story about holiday toy buying, specifically what makes a toy good or bad from a developmental perspective. I'd love to interview some parents who struggle trying to figure out what is a good and bad toy for a young child. Email me if you're interested. Thanks!

bkspaulding: I read your article today regarding Scholastic Book Fairs. I just completed my first Scholastic book fair as chairperson. I was extremely pleased the books offered by Scholastic and the profits raised for our Parent/Teacher Organization.
Barbara_Meltz: BKSpaulding, I'm sure you put a lot of effort into it. School libraries need all the help they can get! Any other thoughts on book fairs prompted by today's story?

bkspaulding: I would be interested to know how much is raised by the alernative fairs. With Scholastic I was able to donate over $750 in books selected by our teachers for their classrooms, $200 in books to underpriveleged students in addition to the $4000 in profit to be used for literacy programs in our school. Most of my bestsellers were not media tie-in books. Also I had alot of freedom in selecting books for reorder with Scholastic. We arranged our fair so that the non-book items were at the end of the room and would be seen by the students after they made their book selections
Barbara_Meltz: BK, folks I interviewed who have successfully hosted non-Scholastic fairs said they made just as much with the alternatives. If you want to compare more specifically, there's a list of alternative Book Fair suppliers at commercialfreechildhood.org. Smart of you to position the non-book items separately from the books.

jc: speaking of toys for Christmas, what are good toys for babies, say 8/9 months? I don't want to have one of those houses overflowing with toys, but I want to make sure I am encouraging the right sorts of development, etc.
Barbara_Meltz: Anything
Barbara_Meltz: JC, Good for you. Babies this age don't need toys in the traditional sense of the word anyway. Stay away from electronic toys of any kind. (A plain plush animal is a better choice than one that "talks".) Put a baby on the floor with a baby-safe mirror, and a colorful stuffed toy or two, and that's fine. A little older, and things you have in your kitchen -- plastic wear and wooden spoons, and the cardboard roll from the paper towel or toilet paper -- these are plenty exciting. And a little older than that and you want to choose toyos that help children come up with their own ideas about their experiences. So that means blocks of all kinds, props from real life. I talk to a lot of parents who are panicky about toy choices, in part because the marketers are doing such a good job of selling. But old-fashioned toys are usually better choices and less absolutely is more.

Lou: My 2.5 year old daughter still has awful temper tantrums and gets really mad every time she hears the word "No". Typically we sequester her (with Mom or Dad) in the bathroom until she stops crying and performs the required behavior (picks up toys, apologizes to her sister, etc.) Does that sound appropriate for her age? Are we being too strict or not strict enough?
Barbara_Meltz: Lou, you are expecting too much from a 2 1/2 year old. Sequestering her, demanding apologies & reparations are beyond her understanding. Email me for a column on taming temper tantrums, you might find it helpful.

doniagirls: Dear Barbara I was very sad that you didn't choose to get responses from people that like the literacy issues that scholastic promotes doniagirls: Why was your article so one sided, and didn't talk about any of the wonderful things that comes with the scholatic bookfairs. I have been a bookfair chair for 2 years now and my children(school) are reading more than ever.
Barbara_Meltz: doniagirls, The president of Scholastic did a fine job of representing his point of view. My goal was to open people to other possibilities.

nanch: My 5yr old has a late Aug. birthday, just making the Kindergarten cutoff. She is doing fine academically but not socially. The teacher is giving us a heads up about keeping her behind. Our public school offers a transitional class. What is your opinion of them?
Barbara_Meltz: nanch, I'm a big fan, especially for children who are socially slow to warm up. It's only November so a lot can happen between now and April or May, when these decisions need to be made, but teachers often can spot these tendencies, and they are worth paying attention to. In general, I think too many parents are holding kids back for the wrong reasons; they want them to be bigger/stronger/smarter as a way to excel and be ahead of the curve in high school. Social immaturity, on the other hand, is one of the legit reasons.

AJ: Hi Barbara, Always love to hear what you have to say! I have a 9 year old girl who loves to read and is in the top reading group at school. The problem is, some of the books that she has the ability to read and challenge her are not approriate subject matter. Any suggestions on age approriate but challenging books for her? She wants to read the Beacon Street series, but I think it is too old. What do you think?
Barbara_Meltz: AJ, If she loves to read, your job is to keep putting books in her hand that will keep her loving it. To my mind, that means a combination of books that deal with popular cultural isues, like the Beacon Street Girls, and books that offer higher quality, both in terms of the writing and the unversality of the themes. If I were you, I'd become a close confident of the town librarian so that she can help you choose books your daughter will love that will stretch her. Two other thoughts: if you are anxious about the Beacon girls, read along with her (not literally) so that you can have conversations about the topics that get raised. And just because she's 9, doesn't mean she won't still enjoy you reading aloud to her. For that, you can pick some books that might be slightly too challenging for her to read, but might otherwise engage her and keep you two connected through the reading.

mej: Barbara - My 6 year seems to be doing fine in 1st grade. But she seems to have a problem is sitting or staying still. She sometimes is disprutive in class because she is not paying attention to the teacher or wants to be the first in answering questions. She always wants to be the first and sometimes doesn't pay attention to the instructions for getting her tasks done in class any. She gets upsets whenever you talk to her about the fact that she is doing something wrong. She always wants to be prefect. Any suggestion with these behaviour patterns?
Barbara_Meltz: MEJ, One thought is that many kindergarten & first grade classrooms are starting to resemble 2nd & 3d grades, because so much material is being pushed down. So the sitting still part may be that the teacher is expecting too much of young children. I'd want to ask other parents if they are experiencing this with their children, too. Is there enough running around time for these kids? If you're not alone, that may be worth taking up with the teacher and the other parents. Speaking more directly to your child's behaviors, some of that may just be a phase. Kids this age typically want control and want to feel more grown up. You might find ways at home to feed into that need, for instance, asking her to be in charge of creating a "centerpiece" for the dinner table once a week. Something that makes her feel she is contributing to the family in a grown up way. It's also possible, she has perfectionist tendencies. They can certainly surface at a young age. Email me for a column on that. And it's also possible that she's picking up vibes at home about performance. What kind of role models are you presenting? Very competitive? Success and winning above all? Sometimes we do this without realizing it, in the way we talk about our work, or in our comments about ohter people. Children pick up on these messages. It may also be that she's not getting it from you, but from the popular culture. Many more cartoons --- Rug Rats, Angelica -- feature girls who are smart but also brazen and sassy, and girls can get confused messages from them.

CalJ: Another potty question. Our just over 3 year old is still in diapers because she doesn't consistently use the potty (similar to Vinny's situation). Would it help to have her try underpants (no diaper) during the day if she wants to? I wonder if the diapers could be making it too easy for her not to try to go...
Barbara_Meltz: CalJ, It all depends if it's your idea or her's. If you plant the idea, I'm not so sure she'll be owning it. Potty train happens the most easily and fastest when the child is fueling it, not the parents. If she's asking for big girl underpants, then by all means, try it. (And don't be afraid to go backwards if it doesn't work, simply by saying, "You know, I don't think you were ready. We can try again in a few months.") Email me for a column on so-called late-to-train kids.

doniagirls: I don't think making his statements sound like he was going after every bottom dollar he can get is fair. Scholastic has opened many doors all over the United States, they main goal is to promote reading and your article didn't give that impression. In fact I commented to my sales rep. this fall bookfair about how much better the non- book items were this year. Most of them really made the children use their imaginations. And as for the books we get from scholatic, I feel most are thoughtful and engage both the parent and child.
Barbara_Meltz: Chat time is up. Happy Thanksgiving everyone!