Parenting chat with Barbara Meltz
Barbara_Meltz: Welcome to the parenting chat!
Barbara_Meltz: What's on your mind today? Anybody want to talk about toy ideas for gifts?
anna:hi barbara, I have a 13-y-o who's started being deceptive. She's hiding the fact that she set up an AIM account (not allowed!). I confronted her and she's lost her online privileges and her computer in her room now. I'm wondering what else I can do to discourage the deception.
Barbara_Meltz: Anna, the single most important thing you can do is have a dialogue with her about the dangers that exist on-line, from cyber bullying and chat room predators, to giving away personal information. One idea: have her research some of those dangers via a goggle search annd present the information to you, like a project. Might not be a bad idea to do it together. There are many websites about the dangers, and it would give you a way to talk about them.
Barbara_Meltz: The other thing to do: never put the computer back in her room. It's not just a matter of what might happen to her on-line. Researchers have found that in schools around the country, parents & teachers were reporting an incrase in kids who couldn't stay awake in class. Turns out, thse were kids who had computers in their rooms, who would wake up in the middle of the night to play a game. For most of them, it started off because they couldn't sleep, but then it becomes addictive. So that's just one problem most of us may not think about.
Barbara_Meltz: Parents, are you there? Grandparents, aunts, uncles? The cupboard is bare!
Barbara_Meltz: turns out there was a computer glitch, there are loads of questions and i'm only now getting them! so sorry! I'll do what i can....
slb: Hi Barbara. Any suggestions or suggested readings for how to discourage my two young (3 and 6 yo's) Jewish boys from wishing they could celebrate Christmas?
Barbara_Meltz: SLB=, Honestly? I think it's impossible (and odd) for kids growing up in our materialistic, media saturated culture not to have that wish! I'd grant it to them in fantasy: If we did celebrate Crhistmas, how would you like to do it? And let them run wild with their wishes, right down to the way they would decorate the house. Not only will that get it out of their system, but it enables you to validate the obvious: that it's hard to be different. As they get older, you can raise some of the bigger issues and talk about them. When our son was little (we are Jewish, too), we would drive around at Christmas time to oogle the housew with the best decorations. It was a variation on the same theme.
haplass: So we have followed your advice on backing off toilet training for our 3.5 year old - she is in diapers but still not using the toilet regularly. We now think we are going to go off diapers at the end of the month - sort of a new year's resolution for her. She is interested in using the toilet and wearing big girl underwear so we hope it will work out. We also wonder if having diapers is just a crutch at this point - what do you think of our approach? she does seem excited about the end of the month.
Barbara_Meltz: Haplass, Here's my question: is this her idea or yours? The more it's her idea, the higher the chance of success. I imagine you must be more than ready for this transition, given her age! So one thought is that now that you have put this out there as a plan, stop talking about it unless she brings it up. That will be a way for her to feel in control.
Cordelia: Barbara, my older son, age 10, is continually disparaging his younger brother, age 7. The name calling, one upmanship and sometimes physical abuse usually take place when parents aren't around but we've seen enough of it to know that the older child is usually the instigator. We have had long talks with our younger son, telling him to not retaliate or get upset because that is what his brother wants and to just walk away and ask for help. The younger will tell us the older is being abusive but then when we threaten to shut down the activity, he will defend the older. He doesn't want to stop playing, he just wants a brother who is kind to him. The power differential is such that we don't think it is fair to tell them to work it out themselves and have resolved to never leave the two alone. The older only bullies his brother, he is fine at school and with his cousins. Do you have any suggestions? As a youngest child myself, this is tearing me apart.
Barbara_Meltz: Cordelia, it sounds like the older boy is the one you need to be concerned about. What ideas do you have for his behavior? It sounds to me as if there is something in his life that is fueling his need to wield control. I'd examine things pretty closely, from the dyanmics at school (is he struggling in any way there, not just academically but socially?) to the family. Does he have reason to feel that you or his dad favor his brother? Is the younger boy better/more gifted in some area that makes the older feel incompetent? Something is going on here. I've written a column about bickering siblings with strategies for cping and I'm happy to email it to you (email me at meltz@globe.com), but this sounds like it's gone beyond typicaly bickering. My advice is to get to the bottom of it. In the meantime, I would suggest a family meeting, where you talk as a family about your concerns, about ways that they can be together, and consequences if they can't play without abuse.
MerryMonks: When is a good time to start potty training?
Barbara_Meltz: computer troulbe on this end, sorry for the slowness.
Barbara_Meltz: Merry Monks, This is not about age but about maturity and temperament. (T Berry Brazelton writes in his book, which is very good, "Toilet Training the Brazelton Way) that what sometimes stimies training is something parents never even think of, for instance, a child who is hypersenstive to touch can't stand the feel of a cold potty seat.
Barbara_Meltz: In gnenral, however, look for: awareness of her body functions, including predictability and regularity, and also exciement and pride: "I peed!", and unhappiness at having a wet/dirity diaper; she's imitating your behaviors, including your bathroom behaviors, perhaps with toys or a boy wants "to pee like daddy"; showing some signs of independence, like a willingness to do things all by myself; she's got enough language to be ablew to express herself.
Barbara_Meltz: Chatters, Time is just about up so I'm going to end. I hope your end of the chat wasn't as aggravating as mine was, and I apologize if you submitted a question and I didn't answer. There's a good chance I never saw it...
