"Miss Conduct" chat with Robin Abrahms

Miss Conduct: Good morning and happy holidays, everyone! This is Robin Abrahams, aka Miss Conduct, and I'll be on line at noon for a discussion of manners and morals. Send in your questions (suggestions,rants, fulminations, manifestos) whenever you like, and I'll be online to respond in an hour. See you then!

Miss Conduct: All right! Happy Festivus, everyone, and let the Feats of Strength and Airing of Grievances begin!

Happy: My husband and 18 mo. old daughter will sleep at a relative's one night over Christmas. Last year our bedroom was like an ice box. We could not find the thermostat anywhere. This year, besides dressing in layers of flannel, how do you suggest we go about asking for the hear to be turned up? This sounds simple, but the host can be a bit touchy, and may feel badly that we were cold 12 months ago. Thank you.

Miss Conduct: You certainly can't allow an 18-month-old to be cold like that! I wouldn't mention last year, but see what it's like when you start getting ready for bed, and if it's too chilly, find the host and ask him if you can turn the heat up a bit. Surely he won't mind that.

Happy: I mailed my friend's wedding gift ahead of time of the actual wedding via email service. The message that was included was a short computer-generated note by the store, words by me. Should I send along another hand-written card? If yes, when? Thanks!

Miss Conduct: Looks like it's just you and me so far, Happy! First off, GOOD ON YOU for sending the gift ahead. That's what people are supposed to do, not bring them to the wedding. A card would be nice but isn't mandatory. If you do send one, I think it would be nice to send it after the wedding, so you can say what a good time you had and how nice it was to see them, etc.

Miss Conduct: Questions! I need questions!

Miss Conduct: In the absence of which I will share a joke that a friend of mine forwarded--

Miss Conduct: A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Chanukah cards. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Chanukah stamps?" The clerk says, "What denomination?" "Oh my God," the woman says, "has it come to this? Give me 6 Orthodox, 12 Conservative, and 32 Reform."

Miss Conduct: This joke can of course be adapted to Christmas as well.

martin: Why a lot of pretty women deny when offered a seat on the train? Ego?

Miss Conduct: Why you only offer pretty women seat on the train? Macking? Old women (and men) need the seats more. I suspect the pretty ones know what you're up to.

nothappy:): OK, here's a question. What do you get a BIL who generally is the grumpiest person ever? He brags about his salary, so nothing I could give (gift cert wise) would be up to snuff, and since he's not a happy person, he really doesn't like "stuff". It's so hard. I would skip it, but alas it's not up to me. And if we did, we'd never hear the end of it. He's a 10 yo in a 40 yo body.

Miss Conduct: He sounds worse than that. I don't know many grumpy 10-year-olds who brag about their salary and don't like gifts. Since it's impossible to please him, why bother? Have your husband pick out something for him (there's no law saying that wives have to do all the shopping, you know) and don't worry if GrumpyBIL likes it or not. There truly is no pleasing some people, and truly coming to terms with that can be a great liberation.

Question: A friend of mine is engaged to be married. She did not ask me to be in the wedding party, which was fine. However, she now keeps asking me to help her with details of her wedding like looking at dresses and planning the registry. I feel that these are tasks for her wedding party. Should I happily accept that she values my opinion or express to her that these are things her closer friend--aka, the wedding party--has signed on to help with?

Miss Conduct: Either would be fine. Do you enjoy doing these things? If so then do them. You're right about that being more the "job" of her bridesmaids, but then again wedding planning is LOT of work, and it may be the case that including you in her errands is the only way she can make time to see you right now.

peeve: Dear Miss Conduct: Love your column. You crack me up. Question: what to say to litterbugs? I can't stand to be quiet, but don't want to end up in the emergency room.

Miss Conduct: Thanks! I love writing my column. I struggle with the same issue you're talking about. Not everyone who is antisocial enough to litter is antisocial enough to stab a stranger, but how do you tell? You can always say, in a pleasant tone, "Oh, I think you dropped that--there's a trash can right on the corner." This is better than making a direct accusation.

Piglet: Miss C- A friend called and reported that a neighbor of hers is very sick. I am not a friend of this neighbor but our children are in the same class at school and have participated on the same teams at school, so I know who she is. Would a card be appropriate or intrusive? Should I offer to do anything to help? What might be a nice attempt may not be nice to some....

Miss Conduct: You sound like a very sensitive person, Piglet. Why don't you ask the friend what she thinks the neighbor would prefer? Some people like attention when they're sick, some people have the crawl-off-into-the-woods mentality about it. Your friend should be able to give you a clue as to the neighbor's orientation. (If you do send a card or helpher out, it could be the start of a nice friendship.)

Miss Conduct: Piglet is a brave as well as sensitive person--

Piglet: Peeve- I like it when the litterbug drops something- I pick it up and hand it back to them saying they dropped something and probably wanted it back.

firsttimemomma: Hi Miss Conduct: How do my husband & I tell our parents that we want time alone after our first baby is born? We think they plan on "camping out" at our house to "help" but we would prefer time alone for the first couple of days. We're afraid there will be hurt feelings and don't want that... but we also don't want to be put out by our parents presence. Any advice?

Miss Conduct: Set it up as a positive,not a negative. Not "we don't want you here the first week," but "We're going to need some time alone for the first few days, and then if you could come after that it would be GREAT! We're really looking forward to seeing you and boy, by then I'll be nursing so I'll probably eat like three pots of your chili a day, so bring the recipe"--that kind of thing.

vdog: I bought someone a gift certificate for a manicure/pedicure. Afterwards it occured to me that this is a service for which one might leave a tip. I certainly don't wan't to leave the onus of tipping on the gift recipient, how should i handle this?

Miss Conduct: Good question! Any ideas, chatters? I don't know if there's an official rule for this, but you could either let it go and take the attitude that you're heavily subsidizing her mani/pedi and that's the gift (by analogy, whenever I'm given a gift certificate to, say a clothing or bookstore I always spend more than the value of the certificate, probably lots of people do), or you could include cash in the envelope with the certificate with a note that says, "For the tip."

Ms Fit: Presents for bosses? I've read from some manners column or book that you just don't do it. What do you say? Piglet, you rock (I wish I were brave enough to do this).

Miss Conduct: I wouldn't. (Not only wouldn't I, I don't, so if my boss is reading this, he'll know not to get his hopes up.) Maybe something like cookies, if you're the cookie-baking type. (I'm not. Sorry, Boris.)

Happy: I do have to say your column is the first thing I pul out from the Globe on Sunday mornings to read. You crack me up, too. Anyway -- I have a personal strict policyof taking off my shoes when I enter my house. My husband follows 90% of the time. I have that 18 mo. old daughter who plays on and eats off the floor and I want the least amount of germs possible. I do simply ask my guests to please remove their shoes if they don't mind. Depending on how well I know people, sometimes I feel uncomfortable asking. When I am to host my new bookclub, for example. I am almost resorting to posting a sign "remove thy shoes" that I found on the net. Please advise. Thanks!

Miss Conduct: Why thank you! My column is the first thing I read, too, but of course I wrote it, so that doesn't mean much. Oh dear. "Shoes off" is one of those things that makes so much sense yet is so annoying to enforce (or have enforced upon one). I think it's good to let people know in advance. Do point out that it's because of health concerns for your daughter. (I have an 18-month old dog who plays on and eats off the floor and I want there to be as much stuff down there to keep him entertained as possible, so shoes are fine in my house.) And have a big basket of clean fluffy white socks for people to change into. Some people's feet are naturally smelly and they might feel self-conscious about taking their shoes off.

Miss Conduct: I've often suspected that parties where people take off their shoes and change into fluffy white socks might go really well, because everyone sort of has to drop their pretensions and feel a little silly right off the bat. Let me know if I'm right about that, Happy.

Miss Conduct: Advice on new baby visits--

BBP: To Firsttimemomma - coming from experience, this is something you don't need to worry about because babies don't usually coincide with family travel itineraries. If someone is insisting on coming before the due date to just stare at your belly, then say no, thank you, we'd love to have you afterward. But otherwise, simply do not call anyone until after you have that baby in your hands, and then by default, it will take them a couple days to get inplanes, trains or automobiles to see you. It will all work out fine!

Miss Conduct: And tipping--

yo: RE: tips for manicure/pedicure: I wouldn't mind tipping if someone gave me a gift certificate for some kind of spa thing. To me, it's more like, "I got this awesome facial/pedicure/massage" for only $10!"

Miss Conduct: I agree, yo. That's how I'd feel, too.

Miss Conduct: And presents for bosses--

Lv2Cook: Re: presents for bosses - I think it depends on how close you are to your boss(es). I've worked with one of mine for about 13 years at three different companies, and I'm more friends than coworkers with him - so I'm more likely to get him a bottle of wine I know he'd like. The other I've only known since he joined my current company as CEO - and the working relationship is different. So I'd probably give a private gift to my first boss/longtime coworker/friend, and not the other.

bsktcs: Boss presents? We are a small company (15 total); we buy the boss a group gift; he gives us individual gifts. Previous bosses have rec'd either a special cake or dessert that I bake (usually homemade baklava). And it's very considerate of vdog to think of that; most people don't!!! I have rec'd many gc like that and always end up spending more than the value of the gc so I'm adding my own cash anyway.

Miss Conduct: And unshod entertaining--

bsktcs: I recently went to someone's house and they have a "shoes off" policy. They had a nice basket near the door filled w/an assortment of neutral slippers.

Miss Conduct: I recommended socks over slippers because socks can be more easily washed, but the principle remains the same.

aghast: Dear Miss Conduct, I am in a quandry. My boss (who makes quite a lot of money) gave me a basket of food "goodies" for my birthday that his wife put together. Most of the food items were EXPIRED! He is basically a cheap person, and I don't expect much. But I was so aghast at that gift, that I threw everything away--including the basket. Christmas is here, and I expect I'll get an equally tacky gift. How do I respond to this? Years ago I suggested that he donate to his favorite charity rather than exchange gifts. He didn't want to do that. I used to give him very nice gifts (shirt/tie, music CDs). Now I look for something much more generic and far less costly. Any suggestions? (Thank you.)

Miss Conduct: Give him something small and inexpensive, like a (still fresh) food item. And look at it this way--if he'd given you a fruit basket or bottle of wine, it would be consumed by now, but instead, he gave a story that you can tell for years! A much better gift in a way. I think slate.com is doing a contest on lousy holiday gifts for employees, why don't you check it out (once the chat is over, of course!) and enter it?

Miss Conduct: And a nicer work story--

bubu: Is it appropriate to send/give a thank you card for a year-end bonus? It was unexpected and I work in a very small office.

Miss Conduct: That would be EXCELLENT. Remember, we reinforce the behaviors we wish to encourage. A nice TYN appreciating the bonus and saying something about how good it is to feel recognized, how much you learned working on that project, etc. would be terrific.

Miss Conduct: More on no shoes--

nsp: My family has a no shoes policy, but it is suspended if we have a large number of guests (holidays, for example). Close friends know to take off the shoes before coming in, but larger gatherings, I do not think people should be required. Perhaps give the floors an extra vacuum and scrub after the fact for your daughter's sake.

Miss Conduct: This seems a reasonable compromise to me.

Sarah: Miss Conduct, This year will be the first Christmas that I will being my boyfriend home to be with my family. We are in a commited relationship and I intend on keeping him around for a long time. My mother is insisting on getting him gifts to open with the family on Christmas morning. I think he should get a present for my mother and father but I am not sure what would be appropriate to suggest to him.

Miss Conduct: He should, but you need to provide guidance--don't let him flounder on this one. Maybe a CD of music to their tastes, or a DVD of a classic film (not "Last Tango in Paris" or anything like that--classic, yes, but it does send a wrong message). A pound of gourmet coffee and two whimsical mugs? It's okay if it looks like you helped him pick it out. He doesn't know them, so they won't expect him to know their tastes, and they'll be glad to see he listens to your advice!

Miss Conduct: This sounds good--

MerryXmas: Sarah: I am in a similar situation. My parents are wine drinkers and I suggested a bottle of my mom's fave wine (since my father really doesn't care), and I am giving his mother a jar of cookie mix (I made about a dozen to give to friend/acquantinces) with a generic "Happy Holiday" card since she is Jewish and I am Catholic.

Miss Conduct: More support for a non-zero-tolerance policy re: shoes--

Lv2Cook: response to nsp: And the little bit of dirt that people might bring in isn't going to hurt in the long run. I think we're over-protecting from germs, and it's making us more susceptible to colds and whatnot because we're not building up a resistance to them.

beegirl: hello, wondering if you have any suggestions as to what to say to a friend who has given you a surprise gift to which you haven't recipricated! Too late for me this year, but just happened to me on Monday... and just said thank you so much, but felt like a jackass. Thanks!

Miss Conduct: Prevention is the best cure, as they say. It's generally best to discuss with friends in advance if gifts will be exchanged. If you don't, you have two options--either lay in a small stash of pre-wrapped generic gifts (candles, pottery mugs, a CD that you love enough to want to give to everyone) so you can respond in kind, or else just say "thank you!" very sincerely. Some people like to give gifts and don't much care if they don't get one in return.

Miss Conduct: More on no shoes--

justme: more on no shoes - be aware that some people have foot problems, surgery, orthotics. Asking me to remove my shoes is asking me to visit in pain. If the comfort of your guests is less important than the cleanliness of your floors, don't have guests over.

Miss Conduct: This is a good point (and "visit in pain" a nice turn of phrase). You might want to say something like, "If it's comfortable for you" when asking for shoe removal.

casalg: I have heard that a holiday tip for a hairdresser is the "cost of one session" As I generally have several processes done my bill can run from $100-$150 per session. What is the reasonable tip to give based on these amounts?

Miss Conduct $100-$150. If you're spending that much per session on your hair it probably looks fabulous and is worth it!

Miss Conduct: Yet more on shoes! See what you've started?

bbuchanan: My views on no shoes has been evolving. Years ago I felt that one should not tell adults they cannot wears shoes. My view was, if it means that much to you to not have shoes on your floors, then you shouldn't entertain. Floors are in fact made for shoes. To me, I would not want flooring that could not handle shoes. However, once I owned a home and has to re finish hardwood floors, I could see thier point, although I was never hypocritical to ask others to do that. I also find many people who visited would ask if they should remove thier shoes, as it is becomming more popular.

Miss Conduct: I agree that floors should be able to stand up to shoes, and tend to find it a little offensive when I'm asked to remove MY clothing to protect someone ELSE's flooring. However the original questioner has a toddler whom she'd like to keep reasonably sanitary, and this changes the equation a bit.

Lv2Cook: Re: tipping hairdressers - I got to a salon, and my stylist is one of the two owners (brother/sister). Is tipping still the same in this case?

Miss Conduct: It is these days. Didn't used to be, but owners are happy to accept tips now.

Miss Conduct: All right! Thank you everyone for a terrific chat! I'll be back here on January 3, 2007 (!) and hope you'll all join me in the new year and tell me how many or your resolutions you've broken already! Have wonderful holidays, everyone!