Barbara_Meltz: Parenting chat is open for business.
Barbara_Meltz: But first a question. A show of hands, please: any of you aware of my new childcaring blog? any comments on it?
K3PO__Guest_: Any tips on how to help a almost 12 y/o with time managment skills. Its not just mornings; I can't seem to get her to "get going" to do the things she wants to do like soccer practice.
Barbara_Meltz: Hi K3PO, Have you talked to her about it? She's at a stage of development where it's really important for her to buy in to any "solution" you might come up with. In fact, the best would be for her to come up with the solution. My suggstion: 1. describe the situation: Have you noticed that sometimes you have a hard time get going, like in the morning, or when it's time to get to soccer practice? 2. tell why it bothers you: I worry that there's going to be a time when you will be late, and you'll miss out on something, or the teacher or coach will be angry, and then you'll be very upset. 3. Share something personal, if you can: I remember when something like this happened to me (tell a SHORT story) and it made me always want to be on time. 4. Bring her into the solution: What do you think? Do you have any ideas?
Barbara_Meltz: You can suggest some: giving her 15-, 10- and 5-minute warnings; setting out clothes the night before; etc. The rub, of course, is if she doesn't think it's a problem. In which case, you need to be able to let natural consequences take their course. If her lateness impacts someone else in the family -- it's going tomake you late for work, for instance -- you need to make that part of your problem statement. And then, for instance, the natural consequence may be that there's a time when you leave without her, or that she doesn't eat breakfast, or something. You need to be prepared for that, and able to tolerate it. But I bet she won't do it again.
crazy_mom__Guest_: Barbara, I have an outgoing 3 year old who has no concept of "stranger danger" - he has no problem talking to adults and will frequently strike up a conversation with other parents at the park, how do I teach him safety without making him paranoid? Is it too early to be talking to him about this?
Barbara_Meltz: crazy mom (why? never mind), First, that's a wonderful attribute, as I'm sure you realise. Second, It is not too early to be talking to him about stanger danger, but stranger danger is not the way to present it. Kids think concretely. When we tell them about strangers, they expect someone dangerous to look, well, strange, as in grotesque. Present it instead as sticky, tricky situations: What would you do if....Do some role playing with him. "What would you do if someone asked you to help him find his puppy AND (this is important) mom or dad (or sitter etc) wasn't around to ask if it was OK to go help him?" The point is to make it clear that he should always check with an adult in charge before doing anything, and if an adult isn't nearby, to run to find one. What puts parents off about this converation is the fear of scaring a child. But if you present it matter of factly, it won't. You can begin by saying,"You know how we have rules about crossing the street? Well, there are also rules about tricky, sticky situations. Do you know what that is, a tricky, sticky situation? It's when someone asks you to do something and you want to, but you haven't checked with the adult in charge. So for instance, if we were at the playgorund and a parent asked you to help find their puppy, that would be a sticky situation, because you'd want to, but you have to check with me first. Or if we were at the grocery story and someone asked you if you knew where the peanut butter was. You'd want to help, but the rule is to check with me first." I've written about this and can send you the column if you email me. Maybe I'll post this on the blog, too, with some websites.
crazy_mom__Guest_: I love your new blog
Barbara_Meltz: Thanks! Any other blog related feedback?
meltzfan__Guest_: we have a 5.5 yr old girl, only child. She is a pretty happy kid though a bit slow to warm up to new situations. We try to involve her in social situations though don't want to push her into them. Example, she does not express interest in taking classes like dance, soccer, etc that many other kids seem obsessed with. She seems happy with the occasional play date with one girl or simply playing at home. Other parents seems to have their kids heavily involved in activities and I am beginning to wonder if we should urge her more to participate or leave a happy child alone. Thank you.
Barbara_Meltz: meltzfan, Young kids today are way too over-scheduled and over-involved. You have a happy kid! As long as she is able to play with others and enjoys their company when it occurs; is having a playdate now and then (once a week or so); and is getting exercise and is well-rounded -- likes to kick a soccer ball around with you, or go to the playground, etc., structured activities are not necessary. In fact, there's lots of research that says second grade is the best entry point for extra curriculars, not before. That said, there's nothing wrong with offering her some choices, or with asking the teacher who she seems to be drawn to most in class, and arranging playdates with that child. But bottom line: don't make yourself crazy!! Sometimes if we overdo with a slow to warm up child, the kid begins to get a message: mom thinks there is something wrong with me. I wrote a column some time ago on slow to warm up kids (kudos for using that phrase, by the way) and can email it if you contact me.
doubletrouble__Guest_: Hey Barbara! Love the new blog, it's fun to get little tidbits between columns. My question: I'm due to have twins (my first) in August. Any suggestions for establishing a good routine early on? Not one that has to be set in stone, but everything I read suggests that the babies and I will be a LOT happier if our days are somewhat predictable. Thanks!
Barbara_Meltz: doubletrouble, I see too many moms who make elaborate plans for how they will "get on a schedule" and then, when faced with the reality, find it's impossible and then think there's something wrong with them. The best thing you can do beforehand is to put in place the kind of supports you will need from family and friends. There are lots of moms of multiples support groups on line, too, which you probably already know about. But by best advice is to be relaxed and to follow the lead of your babies. You'll get to a schedule, but it maybe not be as quickly as you think.
ccbmom__Guest_: I liked the blog - it promted my trying to be an "authoritive parent" question and was also relevant to our daughter awaiting the college letters. Very timely topics and it's nice to be able to link to past articles that are relevant today.
Barbara_Meltz: That's great feedback, thanks.
ccbmom__Guest_: I read your blog (and liked it very much) which prompts my question. My 8th grader is not turning in his work - does his homework and assignments but doesn't turn them in - they are either in his backpack or in the locker. We've tried to get him organized which lasts a little while but then he gets right into the pattern again. We've asked the teachers to not give him a second chance in the hopes that he'll suffer the consequences and get himself together - is this wrong.
Barbara_Meltz: CCBmom, No, not in my opinion. Letting teachers know you see a problem and enlisting their help is a good way to work in partnership, although I would be sure your son knows you have done this. In fact, if he's willing,I might even take it a step further, and request a three-way conference, with your son, and with his advisor, to see what you can all do as a team, to get him motivated to remember better. The fact that he's doing the HW is a good sign. I'd ask him point black, do you want us to keep helping you with this? Because obviously you care enough to do the work. Or do you want us to back off and see how you do on your own? If that's what he chooses, then set an end time for it -- like one grading period. Sometimes at this age, kids just want to feel like they have parents' respect; the more you bug him about it, the more he won't do it. So giving him the choice can feel respectful to him -- you want our help, or you want to go it alone -- but with a consequence: If your grades fall after x period of time, then we step in.
meg_smom__Guest_: Hi Barbara - my seven year old daughter has been getting teased on the bus - I realize there are two sides to every story but when she came off the bus for the third time in a month in tears she asked me to talk to the other moms - any other suggestions? BTW - like the blog and loved the parenting style article - it was the subject of several " walking work out sessions" with neighbors recently
Barbara_Meltz: meg's mom, Teasing on the bus is no small matter, but I wouldn't start with the other moms. I'd start first with the school, the teacher and principal. With any luck, they will address teasing as part of a circle conversation in school, without picking her out. I would also ask the teacher: do you know any reason why she might be getting teased? Sometimes it's for something easily correctible, like what she wears, or brings for lunch. Michael Thompson has a book, "Mom, they're teasing me" that you might find helpful.
mommym__Guest_: This weekend my daughter who is 6 was on a playdate with my neighbor's kids. When she came home she showed me a special box with her special toys. I had never seen the toys before, so I asked her where she got them and she said "the basement." I said please don't lie to me and she confessed with tears that she took them from next door. I was mortified. My daughter cried and was quite upset. The toys were not even something she would play with. Just Mcdonalds plastic princesses. Anyway, I was shocked that she did this. She said she was sorry and my husband said not to make a big deal out of it because she was so upset. Is this normal? I was just so surprised that she would do this.
Barbara_Meltz: mommym, I disagree with your husband. It is a big deal, and it needs to be addressed. It is very important for her to return the toys. I would tell her in a matter of fact tone, "Taking something without asking is called stealing. It's not something we do in our family. We need to return them." Offer to go with her. You do not need to make a big deal out of the process of the return and you don't need to use the word stealing when she returns them; but she does need to return them and make an apology of some kind. Make sure this isn't a humiliating experience; you can call the mom beforehand and tell her what's up. Your daughter can even write a note ("I'm sorry I took your toys without asking. I won't do it again.") But you need to do something. I've written a column on this issue, email me and I'll send it to you.
lml__Guest_: I have a 2.5 year old and am also 14 weeks pregnant. My son is going through a phase where he pushes every boundary we give him. I'm not into physical punishments at all but I also don't have the energy to keep redirecting him. Any suggestions?
Barbara_Meltz: Lml, Good for you for refraining from physical punishment! There are lots of other strategies to use besides redirection! Email me for a column called Mini Magic.
MattsMom__Guest_: Hi Barbara, My son is 14 1/2 months old, and he is starting to have occassional temper tantrums (he will bash his head against something, or throw himself on the floor and cry). Sometimes I can't even figure out why. What is the best way to deal with the tantrums?
Barbara_Meltz: MattsMom, these kind of behaviors often surface as a toddler is gaining some independence, like walking, but his language isn't keeping up with his thoughts/needs. Angry outbursts, through tantrums, are often the result. There are many ways to cope -- from anticipating what the source of frustration will be and dealing with it one way or antther before he has the chance to be upset (either by solving or removing it/him), to giving him sign language for the words he can't yet speak. (FYI -- He's way too young for time-out.) Head-banging is scary to see and typically is just a sign of frustration, but under some circumstances, for instance, if is frequent and rhymthmic, it's worth mentioning to your pediatrician.
momof2__Guest_: Hi, I also enjoy the new blog, as a new parent I love reading all sorts of info. My question to you is regarding the phrase "good girl" as praise. I read in a recent chat that "good job" would be better. I tried to explain this to my husband, but he made me question the logic behind it, afraid it was just a feminist thing. We have a 1 year old girl, with a boy on the way. I try to always say good job, but I guess I am not sure why I prefer it.
Barbara_Meltz: momof2, No no, it's not some feminist thing. When you praise a child by saying, Good boy," you are tying the action to the person. The inverse is that if you tell him he did a bad job, he will think he's a bad person. So the idea is to unbundle behaviors of either kind, good or bad, from the person. The more you praise a child's child's efforts ("You really tried so hard that time and you almost got it, I bet you'll tie your shoe all by yourself really soon."), the more he (or she) will value the act of trying and not just the reward that comes from success. Similarly, in an era where self-esteem is turning into narcissism, the better it is to praise the behavior than the person.
witsend__Guest_: hello barbara. my husband does not help with the kids or around the house. any tips or recommended books to help me start to change this dynamic? many thanks.
Barbara_Meltz: witsend, Sorry, no quick tips on this one, because it undoubtedly is tied up in your relationship. I wonder if there's a history of him having tried to be helpful, and then you aren't satsified with his effort, or re-do it. My best suggestion is to have a conversation where you are willing to be honest, both of you, of why the dynamic is what it is. Short term counselling may be an easier way to change it.
Eager_to_Please__Guest_: My 3 yr old is finally "mostly" out of diapers, problem is that he likes to urinate in inappropriarte places
Barbara_Meltz: eager to please, I just noticed my 3-year-old neighbor peeing in the snow the other day! Is that what you mean? Because if he's using a toilet, I'm not sure what would be inappropriate?
Bos__Guest_: Do you have any specific strategies for helping children with ADHD manage their time and get ready for school in the morning?
Barbara_Meltz: Bos, Not that I can answer quickly, here, other than to say break the task into small, manageable pieces; brainstorm with the child about how you can help him; and do as much as possible the night before, like getting clothes out, getting pack ready, etc.
MikeT__Guest_: I have a 2 year old, at what age should I start to watch for signs of being overweight?
Barbara_Meltz: MikeT, 1. if there's a family history of obesity; 2. if your family has bad eating habits; 3. if your pediatrician is concerned.
jay_mor: Loving your blog. There is something for everyone! Question: It's Spring, It's MCAS time. Although I can see some benefits of testing, I really think it has gone over the top. What started as testing in 4th, 8th, & 10th grade has turned into full out testing every year from 3 - 10th grade, continually expanding. I'm looking for parent groups that are working to at least minimize/contain the amount of testing AND how do you keep your kids sane in this world of high stake testing? Even my 3rd grader is worried.
Barbara_Meltz: Jay_Mor, I agree this is a terrible problem, especially because tEachers are teaching to the tests, and children, as you say, are getting anxious. I wrote about this stress for kids some time ago, email me and I'll try to find that columnm.
susie__Guest_: from susie; My daughter will be starting middle school next year. She does well socially and academically. She is very, very nervous about middle school. This will be a big step for the whole family as my 2nd daughter has even expressed anxiety about her big sister leaving elementary school. any books or words of wisdom to help us all make this transition?
Barbara_Meltz: Susie, That she's anxious already could be because she's heard somethign negative from someone's siblings, or neighborhood kids. I'd let the teacher know so she can squash any myths that may be circulating. Also, I'd ask your daughter, what have you heard about middle school? Rather than pooh=pooh or dismiss or try to comfort her about what she says, explore them with her. There may be some truth in a statement. Often what kids are worried about is something very concrete: not being able to open the locker, or thinkig you can't go to the bathroom. You can practice using a locker combination, you can visit the school, or talk to some current middle school students. Email me for a column on the transition to middle school.
Eager_to_Please__Guest_: As for inappropriate, I mean indoors, on the capet, on his toys, on my tools...and he has done #2 on the lawn as well.
Barbara_Meltz: Eager to please -- so this is not "toilet" trained at all, he's just out of diapers. My guess is that he's doing this for the negative attention he's getting from you. Try not to over-react when it happens. Be matter of fact. Engage him in the clean-up. (After you've cleaned it, give him paper towels to "finish wiping.") There's a tricky line here between shaming him and teaching him. You want to convey the message that there are only two places to urinate and defecate (and I'd use the words), in the potty or a diaper. It's his choice, but if he can't choose, then you will have to. I would ask him each day when he's getting dressed, do you want to use the toilet or do you want a diaper today? My guess is that this is not about toilet training, it's a power struggle. Give him as many choices as possible in other arenas of his life as well. The more you back off and give him a sense of control, the less likely he will be to use this as a means of control.
Barbara_Meltz: Time is up -- great questions today! And thanks for all the feedback on the blog. Hope this has been helpful, and I'll be here again on April 2.
Barbara_Meltz: Time is up -- great questions today! And thanks for all the feedback on the blog. Hope this has been helpful, and I'll be here again on April 2.
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