Miss Conduct chat transcript
Good morning, everyone! This is Robin Abrahams, aka Miss Conduct, and here we find ourselves again. What's on everyone's mind today? The chat will begin at noon, but you can send in your questions, queries, quibbles and bits now, if you like, and we'll get off to a running start in a half an hour. See you then!
Robin_Abrahams: Well, everyone, it's noon, and I've got my coffee in hand--and Jon Bon Jovi's "Livin' on a Prayer" stuck in my head ever since I (uncharacteristically) watched "American Idol" last night. Don't know why *that* was the song that stuck with me--Jordin's vocal stylings weren't quite on, but dang, does that chorus not just intrinsically rock, no matter who's singing it? You know it does. So let's hold on to what we got!
mur: On a recent visit to my dentist for my twice yearly cleaning the hygienist was talking about flossing. She suggested that I keep floss in my car so when stopped at a red light or in traffic it would be a good time to floss! Then she suggested that I keep floss next to my TV so when I am once again sitting down and presumably not doing anything that one should floss. Well, I told her that doing personal chores such as brushing one's teeth and flossing should only be done in one's bathroom.....not a spectator sport in one
Robin_Abrahams: 's car," you meant to finish up. Well, mur, get this: I was walking to work last week, and saw a woman WALKING DOWN JFK STREET IN HARVARD SQUARE, flossing! Disgusting. Mr. Conduct and I don't even floss in front of each other. That said, I think the main reason for not flossing in one's car (which is treated by general consensus as private space) is safety. You really don't want to take both hands off the wheel for a long period of time, even at a light. Flossing should be done alone.
Arl-2474: I am in a high-rise building and am the first stop on the express elevator that by-passes the first 20+ floors. Very frequently, there will be a handful of gentlemen that insist I get on first - which puts me at the back of the elevator when i need to get off before them. I then need to excuse myself several times to get out before the doors close and I miss my stop. Is there a polite way to decline the kindness of ladies first? These gentlemen never accept the "no, no, please, after you." even if I state that I am the first stop.
Robin_Abrahams: "Ladies first" doesn't apply in situations where it inconveniences *everyone*. Why not explain more thoroughly to the gentlemen? "If I get on first I will be in the back. Then I will have to excuse myself to get out. So please, you get in first, because that is more convenient for me and everyone." Or you can just say you wrote to Miss Conduct and I said they should let you get on last. Appeal to reason versus appeal to authority--it's always interesting to see which one works better.
Robin_Abrahams: Okay, so here's a fun thing to share with you all--did you read my column last Sunday, about the man who was worried about what his wife should do if her water broke at work? Well, it didn't--and their baby, whom he sent me a picture of, is adorable! Is that cute or *what*. I can't believe he wrote me back. I was so delighted.
doubletrouble: Any recommendations on unsolicited advice for a pregnant girl? I'm expecting twins this summer, and the well-meaning advice is getting overwhelming. Most particularly, my mom and her sisters insisting I'll need to hire someone to help (they live far away, so won't be there themselves), or certain I won't be successful breast feeding twins. I'm trying to just brush it off, but it's getting to be a bit much!
Robin_Abrahams: Any other formerly or currently pregnant folks out there want to weigh in on this? I think you should get better at blowing it off, 'cause it's not like people are going to stop once the baby's born. Advice carries with it no obligation for the advisee (alas ...). How about "Hmm. Interesting. What was your experience?" Often, when people give advice, it's really a cover for their desire to talk about some experience of their own. If it's a close relative or friend who's being really pushy, shut them down kindly: "I've given [this topic] a lot of thought and I've made my decision. If circumstances change I'll alter it. I'd prefer to change the topic now."
Worried: My mother recently passed away and asked that I divide between my sister and I - her jewelry. How do I do this without causing a rift?
Robin_Abrahams: Talk to your sister openly about your worries. Do you have a reasonably good relationship with her? What's the nature of what you're really concerned about--bringing up issues from the past? Is the jewelry valuable, and one of you has more money than the other? Why do you fear this might cause a rift?
Figaro: From an expectant father - this is a tough one because you have to pay attention to family dynamics. Some folks have a very straightforward relationship with their moms and aunts and can be direct in saying that you've thought things through. But if you're afraid of creating tensions with people who might be especially sensitive, you might have to do this with more tact...this is a tough one in my opinion
Robin_Abrahams: Back to the question of unsolicited advice, we're talking. Yes, you're right; I don't know people's family relationships, obviously, so I can only give general guidelines. I'd say, though, that it's VERY important for new parents to set boundaries with family from the beginning, with whatever degree of directness or diplomacy is required. If you don't set the boundaries early, it's going to be harder to keep nosy/intrusive family off your back later on, when the kids are older and stakes are higher.
Mansfield_Mom: For Doubletrouble. Miss Conduct's advice is right on. The unsolicited tips will keep coming in. I always responded to breast feeding tips with, "I'm going to give it my best shot." and managed to breast feed two children to 8 months and 5 months (part time) respectively while working. Sorry to sound like your mom & sisters, but their advice on hiring in help is not bad. You may need it, especially if you have a c-section. I was lucky to have my mother & sisters nearby after 2 c-sections.
Robin_Abrahams: Thanks for backing me up--and also for illustrating my point that behind most advice lurks a story! Take my hand, we'll make it I swear! (I will have "Living on a Prayer" stuck in ALL your heads by the end of this chat, I promise.)
ash: For the pregnant woman, I would actually acknowledge that they may be right about some things! When you are pregnant, you are really incredibly naive about what life is going to be like. I know I was. For the breastfeeding, it is hard to breastfeed twins because there are two of them and my friends with twins tell me in the beginning, you are nursing all the time. heck, I only had one and was nursing all the time. Reassure your mom and sis that you are going to speak with a lactation consultant before and after the babies are born (which they have at all hospitals and you can also find private ones to come to your house). As to hiring someone, everyone does need help. Just tell them your hubby will be home for some of the time, you have a network of friends to help. Consider asking them to come visit briefly, that may be all they want.
Robin_Abrahams: And more for Doubletrouble! Poor thing, she wrote in to ask how to ESCAPE all the advice, and now she's getting deluged with it. Gina dreams of running away ...
ash: sorry, I already have "have a nice day" stuck in mine!
Robin_Abrahams: I guess that would be a more appropriate song for an etiquette columnist, wouldn't it? Can't explain the "Living on a Prayer" fixation. Maybe because I always wanted to be a preacher ... or work in the diner all day, work for my man and bring home my pay for love.
Worried: My relationship is not so good with my sister. And, she feels very entitled. I don't want to further divide us. She feels some resentment that I am the oldest and why should our mother have entrusted this to me. There are some pieces that cost more than others - so how do I do this so that it is fair?
Robin_Abrahams: We're back to the jewelry question for those following along at home--Okay, thanks for more info, Worried. I think you should be really upfront, and let your sister know that you're aware your relationship hasn't been all it could, and you don't want to use this responsibility in a way that harms your relationship further. I'd suggest giving her first pick in the "you divide, I'll choose" tradition. You may have to do a tradeoff between preserving the relationship and not getting as much of the jewelry as you feel you should. The important thing to remember is that that is *your* decision to make.
Thank_YOU: When attending a wake and going through the greeting / receiving line to share your condolences with family members, do you introduce yourself to those family members you don't know? Hi, I'm Melissa's friend from High School, I am so sorry for your loss."?! Thanks.
Robin_Abrahams: Yes, that is a kind thing to do.
mom: Hi Miss Conduct. First, I am expecting and it never crossed my mind that I might have to clean up at work if my water breaks here. Though personally, if it did, I am not sure I could ever show my face again. My question, how to deal with the well intentioned comments you receiev as the end nears. For example, "still here", "you didn't have that baby yet"?, "why are you still here"? etc. Obviously I am a bit cranky, and tired. I just smile and keep walking. Is it OK to ignore them? I mean, if I don't have anything nice to say, I should shut my mouth? I know they are harmless, but try explaining that to the hormones. :o)
Robin_Abrahams: I think ignoring it is fine--a quick "yep" and then change the topic to something work-related. If there's a good friend who can spread the word around that you'd rather not have people discussing the pregnancy, that too would be good.
Worried: Thank you Robin for your advice. It is never easy to lose someone so close. I feel that your advice is the fair way of doing it.
Robin_Abrahams: I hope it works. It's awful that situations that should bring us together so often cause rifts. And all of us will be leaving this earth someday--it's worth thinking, as we make our wills, about how our decisions may affect the relationships of those left behind. I'd never really considered that part of things before, Worried, so thank you for bringing it to my attention!
Mansfield_Mom: Miss Conduct, I just want to say that I love you because you are cheaper than therapy! I get to ask you questions about my in-laws without worry that they may see my questions in the Globe because they live far away. I've been in the magazine twice (my MIL sent me religious self help books and my SIL sent me a gift list with a birthday party invitation for her daughter.) Anyway, thanks for saving me $ on therapy. I don't know what I'd do without you (or my hair stylist!)
Robin_Abrahams: We've got to hold on to what we've got, cause it doesn't make a difference if we make it or not! We got each other, and that's a lot! You live for the fight when it's all that you've got.
proper: My in-laws have a wedding in Oregon that they don't want to pay to travel to. The problem is, the groom's parents are very close friends of theirs. How do they explain to the parents that they are not willing to go? The friends know that they *can* afford it, technically.
Robin_Abrahams: Well, they've made a choice, and they have to live with the consequences of it: the groom's parents might well be offended, although if the relationship is strong, it may survive that. The difference between being able to afford something, and being able to afford something "technically," however, is "hardship," as in "We'd love to go, but it would be hard for us right now."
lookey_lou: Robin - you crack me up. Are you as nutty in real life as you are on this chat?
Robin_Abrahams: It's 'cause I got my six-string in hock, now I'm holding it what I used to make it talk, and it's tough ... so tough.
curious_2: I have a brother that I used to get along great with. He is in his 40s and, by all counts, a swinging bachelor. He has success in everything he does, always needs/gets a beautiful woman to date and then dumps her when commitment gets too great. He lives in NYC and has a side music career that takes him everywhere, as does his job. The problem is, his ego is HUGE and family members stroke it, because he usually charms everyone with wine or expensive things. There are serious double standards in my family -- my sister and I could NEVER get away with the stuff he can -- yet when I call attention to it, I look like the jealous and immature sister. How do I maintain a relationship with this brother who is now so cavalier and impatient if things don't revolve around him?
Robin_Abrahams: By not taking him seriously, that's how. Talk about immature--this guy's living in some kind of GQ fantasy world! I am *not* pretending this will be easy, but try to take a step back from your immediate emotional reactions and see the comedy in the situation. Maybe some of that wine will help.
none_2: Was I rude to decline to an email invitation to a not so close friends wedding, three weeks prior? It was obvious I was a second tier invite, - she claimed she had been meaning to ask me for my new address (Switchboard.com???) (I even checked out her registry which was almost completely purchased) - I was annoyed to be getting this last minute, so I tol dher that I couldn't attend becasue I had promised to babysit - which was not a lie - but I wanted to send a message...(don't neeed friends like that)
Robin_Abrahams: You're not rude--it's okay to turn down an invitation, especially for a prior engagement which by definition has priority (that's why they call them that). But you have way big anger toward someone who's not even that close. Either let the friendship drift off into oblivion, or have a "relationship talk" (*after* the wedding)
Robin_Abrahams: Whoops, sorry, cut my own self off there--and try to use this misunderstanding to make your not-close friendship a real one. But this hardly seems worth getting upset about.
curious_2: Thanks for the reality check. Everyone else in my family seems to have conquered this and now I need a new MO.
Robin_Abrahams: Enjoy the goodies and (perhaps inadvertent) entertainment your brother provides, and make sure the people who love you bolster your ego plenty before and after visits.
k_2: I'm lucky enough to have a few choices for PhD programs (which I'll be starting in the fall). I'm working right now in my future field, and everyone at work has advice. I've made my decision and it goes against the advice of several of my superiors (my S.O. will be in the location of my future school, and it's a great program...just not QUITE as great as another one.) My co-workers think I'm making a mistake (and aren't afraid to tell me so...). How can I tactfully get them off my back?
Robin_Abrahams: Well, if they've already told you once, there's no need to tell you again, is there? So point out to them that they're repeating themselves, and that further mention of it won't change the nature of your plans--only the nature of your relationship with them. And good luck in grad school--living on a prayer (and a lousy stipend)!
Ms__Fit: I'm going on vacation and will be staying with a friend. However, I plan to get together with someone of the opposite sex one night who I met last time I was there. I will be meeting another friend near his house the next morning. How do I invite myself to spend the night at his house because it's more convenient than driving an hour each way...besides offering up my naked self...which is not totally out of the question.
Robin_Abrahams: Um, you don't. There is no way that this will not be interpreted as a sexual invitation. Even if you say it's not, he'll think that you're just hedging your bets and if he plays his cards right, it will turn into one. So if you actually stay over and nothing happens, he'll feel like you liked him more at the beginning of the night than you did in the end. Which isn't good for a nascent relationship. If you were longstanding good friends with this man, it would be different, but for someone you just met? The inconvenience of the drive is less than the awkwardness of the situation. Crank some rockin' Bon Jovi tunes and the miles will fly by!
bride2be: Hi Miss Conduct! I'm getting married next month, and my parents have invited a load of people, some of whom I've never met. When I send thank you cards to these people for attending the wedding (and possibly gifts), how should I sign the card?
Robin_Abrahams: With your name. If you're taking your husband's name, put your birth name in parentheses before it. People will know who you are. (And if they don't remember, it's kind of their problem at that point.)
Ms__Fit: How would you respond? I am a pretty thin woman who has gained a bit around the middle and need to lose it...OK, I want to lose it. I was mentioning this to a friend who is and has always been significantly overweight and always on one fad diet or another. Her response when I mentioned it was something like, don't expect me to feel sorry for you. I was pretty stunned but just said, I'm not asking you to feel sorry for me. I listen to all her diet woes but didn't really know how to respond.
Robin_Abrahams: It's really a bad call to complain about problems to people who have worse problems--weight, health, money, marital. Generally slender people should avoid even the appearance of complaining about their weight to overweight people. If she's tried a lot of diets you can ask for advice on which ones are best, though.
bride2be: Oh dear, I should have been more clear. I mean normally, when writing a thank you note, I sign "Love" or "With Love." I'm just not sure if either of these would be appropriate for people I've just meant. Thanks!!
Robin_Abrahams: Oh! I was kind of wondering what your issue was ... hee! ("Uh, with your name ... DER!") "With love" is fine, or "gratefully," perhaps. If you like being clever then you can always choose a signoff that reflects the nature of the gift. My husband recently signed a thank-you note for the gift of a sweater "warmly." I thought that was cute. We've got each other, and that's a lot.
Ms__Fit: Oops, I thought friendship was supposed to be a two-way street with people sharing stuff about their lives. Silly me!
Robin_Abrahams: It's also a two-way street with people protecting each other's vulnerabilities and vanities.
Robin_Abrahams: Okay! And that is it for today. Join me again on May 16--and join me now for one final, rousing chorus:
Robin_Abrahams: "Whooah, we're half way there--Whooah, livin' on a prayer! (I can't hear you ...) Take my hand and we'll make it I swear--Whooah, living on a prayer!"
Robin_Abrahams: All RIGHT! Bon Jovi rules. See you in two weeks, y'all!
© Copyright 2007 Globe Newspaper Company.
