Miss Conduct -- September 5, 2007

Robin_Abrahams: Hello, everyone! Grab the tasty beverage of your choice (we're in that "you can have iced coffee, or not-iced coffee" season) and let's roll manners-wise--

Lee: I am very close to my brother-in-law. He has many great qualities and I am very fond of him. One shortcoming he has, however, is he borrows our belongings and he is either not careful with them, doesn't return them, or returns the item long after the fact damaged or broken. At times, I also feel that he takes advantage of our generosity. Twice he has borrowed our car, (we were on vacation) and he put over 1,000 miles on it each time. We are a very close family and we all try to be very giving, and if I all of the sudden start saying no to his requests to borrow something, it will seem very out of place and I can assure you it will cause significant ripples throughout our large family. How can I diplomatically say no to his requests to borrow something without causing bad feelings, (mine included), or worse yet, become ostracized as the ?selfish? in-law?

Robin_Abrahams: Have you talked to him about his behavior? Clearly the best compromise would be if he could continue to borrow your things, but took better care of them. And don't be vague about what "taking better care" means--set specific guidelines. Give him another chance to prove himself, and if he doesn't do better, stop lending important things. Let the rest of the family know that they can either make an issue of it, or not. If you refuse to get angry or defensive, and continue to be loving and generous in every other way, their disapproval will run out of steam pretty quickly, I bet.

chick: I have a co-worker who eats very loud food carrots celery you get my point, to the point were the majority of the office notices. Is there a nice way to tell her to chew with her mouth shut?

Robin_Abrahams: Maybe bring up the issue of excess cubicle noise to the group at large to avoid embarrassing her? That said, cube farms require tolerance--you can't expect everyone to conduct business in whispers and eat only soft foods at work.

2much: wedding question, forgive me! Bridal shower: how much for the gift? do i bring the host somethign? can i wear nice jeans if i have nice shoes and nice top? guessing no on that last one...

Robin_Abrahams: Something nice but not overly extravagant is good for a shower. Wedding gifts are only seen by the couple, but shower gifts are opened in front of everyone, so you don't want to shame the rest of the party by going overboard (or yourself by going, er, underboard). The best bet, though, is to get something that YOU are really excited to give. No need to bring anything, but calling and asking is nice. And dressy jeans/top should be okay, if it's a daytime thing ... but showers differ wildly, so maybe find out what other people are wearing. I tend to run with a scruffy academic/science/media set, myself, so that colors my view!

Ms__Fit: How do you deal with email solicitations for sponsorships for a walk or bike ride for charity when you are not really friends with the person asking...generally, people seem to think that if they got your email address for some reason or other orginally and then think they can use it for whatever purposes they want.

Robin_Abrahams: "Thanks for thinking of me, but I'm not able to continue at this time. Good luck on your Bike Ride Against Speedos, though! So few people recognize budgie smugglers as the societal scourge they are."

Robin_Abrahams: "Budgie smuggler" for tight male swimsuits is a piece of slang I learned in Australia. Isn't it hilarious? (My blog at www.boston.com/missconduct has more on the recent trip to Oz.) They also call mixed-breed dogs like the beloved Milo "bitzers." 'Cause they're bitzer this and bitzer that.

broadxxx: For 2much_Guest's ?: For a bridal shower, I think you should dress up a little. Why not pair the dressy top with cute capris or khakis? I don't think jeans are appropriate.

Robin_Abrahams: Well, see, there you go, 2much. Standards differ. A good general rule is that if you have to ask if jeans are okay, they're probably not. Or at least you won't feel comfortable. That said, I do think a pair of neat, dark jeans equals khakis in formality, and is often more feminine. Oh, and I meant "contribute" in my answer to Ms_Fit, not "continue." Der.

Ms__Fit: LOL. I was thinking budgie was parakeets, at least that's what they were called, low these many years since I was a child.

Robin_Abrahams: Budgies are parakeets, that's why it's funny--a man in Speedos looks like he's ... well, let's keep it clean here. This is an etiquette chat, after all!

missbonbon: Similar to solicitations for charities, what about being asked to hold hose parties such as Tupperware. I have a small apartment yet despite me telling her no, she keeps asking. Is it really worth the free products you get?

Robin_Abrahams: Oh dear, first budgie smugglers, now hose parties! Do I want to know? Seriously, say no and tell the person that you're not going to change your mind, and don't want to keep her dangling etc. (in other words, phrase it in terms of not wasting *her* time any longer). Don't do something you're not comfortable with.

bex: So what does Milo do when you are away on trips? Oh, and an actual etiquette question... Do I tip the kennel where my dog stays? (I use them once-twice a year).

Robin_Abrahams: Well, this time, Milo got expelled from doggie camp for biting other dogs' ankles. Not everyone in the Conduct family has good manners, it seems. So we're investigating other options for future travel. (A friend bailed us out and took him for the remainder of our trip.) I'd tip/buy a nice gift for an individual dogsitter/kennel owner, but if it were a multi-employee business, I don't think it's necessary.

M: How do I deal with co-worker's cell phones ringing at the top of the volume and their using of the speaker phone in a close quarters work environment. HR said I should try to deal with this first. Thank you.

Robin_Abrahams: "Do you mind turning your cell-phone ringer down, or putting it on vibrate? It startles the heck out of me every time 'Rock the Casbah' comes on like that." For the speaker-phone, point out that you can hear the other person's conversation--as in the Tupperware lady question, you want to set it up that you're looking out for the other person's welfare, in this case, you're trying to preserve their privacy.

jhtbh: Major problem - my boyfriend has not-so-good table manners (bringing his face to the soup spoon instead of soup spoon to mouth, chewing with the mouth open every so often, and - I am my father's daughter - not using his silverware correctly! It's better when we dine out with people, but is there a way to ask him to review his table manners - without sounding like a nudge of course?

Robin_Abrahams: Start a general conversation about etiquette and see how receptive he is. He might welcome the chance to improve--or he might not. If he doesn't, don't try to make him over. Above all, DO NOT let this turn into a symbolic power struggle.

scrod: To expand on an earlier question, if you have maintained a casual (3-4 times a year) contact via email with a person, is ti inappropriate to solicit for a charity? As the solicitor, I woudl not generally expect a response via e-mail, and the solicitations are always personalized (not broadcast as spam). Am I wrong to do this?

Robin_Abrahams: I think it's inappropriate, yes. But I'd be really interested to hear what everyone else thinks. Weigh in, y'all.

teazer: I neglected to invite my father's girlfriend to Rosh Hashannah dinner - because in several conversations with my father, he talked extensively about his plans to go to synagogue with her on the day of Rosh Hashannah, but never once mentioned hoping to go with her in the evening. How can I smooth this over with the girllfriend?

Robin_Abrahams: This seems a little odd--why wouldn't an invite to him automatically include her? Anyway, you're in luck, since the High Holy Days are already about atonement and repentance. Call her and apologize for the mixup, let her know you really want her there, and if she's the decent sort you can make some jokes about "I just wanted to make sure I'd have something to feel guilty about on Yom Kippur."

basketball: what is proper etiquette when paying someone back for something, i.e. tickets to a show, do you pay them at the time of purchase or at the time of show-even if the tickets were bought in march and the show is october?

Robin_Abrahams: Time of purchase--that's when they spent the money, so that's when they should get it back.

Ms__Fit: For scrod, I would ask if the only contact is via email? If you have maintained a casual contact and there are other things other than donations being asked for back and forth, and you personalize the email, I would say it's OK. I know there are ways to send mailmerge type emails although I am not proficient so you have to admire the extra effort that Scrod is going to.

Robin_Abrahams: And another pro-solicitation (that sounds bad, but you know what I mean) comment to follow--

manicmomma: I think casual contact with an acquaintance actually means that a casual, group, solicitation is ok. If it is someone you know but are not in a lot of contact with, I would email them in your email group and say "I am walking for/running for/collecting for XYZ charity. I'd love your help, if you are so inclined......." Period.

manicmomma: oops.....meant to add.....sometimes people are involved in the same issues/crises, and would welcome an opportunity to contribute, and if people are NOT inclined to contribute, if it's a group thing, they don't feel singled out and feel they can ignore the solicitation if need be.

jhtbh: So saying, "when you stuff your face with popcorn it really grosses me out and I think Miss Conduct would agree" is probably not the right way?

Robin_Abrahams: Er, no, but you might find a more helpful suggestion below--

bex: Yo jhtbh: what worked with my boyfriend was suggesting that he might be more comfortable doing things a little differently... He was surprised to find out that it IS easier for him to hold the fork and knife at an angle and cut the meat that way, instead of stabbing it with the fork and sawing furiously.

jean: Regarding the charity question - I receive a few solicitations from old college friends who I speak to only occasionaly. Most of these solicitations are in the form of "sponsor me in this walk" type thing. I actually like receiving these solicitations. I can help with a good cause and sponsor an old friend.

Robin_Abrahams: I think the "old friend" aspect of this is pretty central, though ... yes, if my high school friend GH whom I love dearly and have seen once in the past 10 years "solicited" me, that would be fine, but someone I met once at a friend's party a couple of years back? Maybe not so much.

Margo: My father passed away last year, and the family was inundated with good thoughts from hundreds and hundreds of folks (I'm not exaggerating - he was well-loved doctor), who sent flowers, food, and an endless stream of Mass cards. What is the appropriate etiquette for responding to all of those good people? We wrote dozens and dozens and dozens of thank you's to everyone who sent flowers and food, but we've lost steam after the first 100 Mass cards. Do we need to send an acknowledgement for every single one? How long do we have to do that?

Robin_Abrahams: Yes, you do need to respond to them all, and you have as long as it takes.

emmab: i'm attending a wedding this thanksgiving. the groom's family owns a number of hotels in the area, and are graciously hosting all out of town guests in their hotels and restaurants in them (in other words, we're staying for 2 nights, and it's basically all on them). what's a nice thing to do to thank them? they are obviously extremely well off, so i'm at a loss.

Robin_Abrahams: Wow, what a rockin' problem to have! Lucky you. People like to be thanked and thought of even if they've got plenty of goodies. A sincere thank-you note, and a good bottle of champagne (or some equivalent depending on their tastes and the extent to which you know their tastes) would be appropriate, I think.

Ms__Fit: I'm not sure this is an etiquette quesion or not but here goes: my washer/dryer was hauled over the porch (first floor) by friends when I bought it. I'm moving and moving company didn't ask if there was anything unusual about the move. Am I obligated to tell them in advance of this situation or just hope for the best? My inclination is to just wait for them to get there and deal with the people who are going to do the actually work while simultaneiously waving $20 bills in front of them.

Robin_Abrahams: You do NOT want surprises on moving day. Tell them.

Robin_Abrahams: No questions at the moment, so here's a bit of unsolicited advice--if you haven't seen Showtime's "Dexter," oh, do rent the first season! Mr. Improbable and I watched it this weekend and it is fantastic. A tautly-plotted thriller, police procedural, love story, and black comedy all rolled into one, featuring the incomparable actor Michael C. Hall as Dexter, the serial killer's serial killer. (No, really. He's a serial killer who only kills murderers. And works as a crime scene investigator. I know that sounds like the reductio ad absurdum of current television trends, but it's reeeeeally good!)

jhtbh: to those sending mass cards & condolences - it was a big help when people put an address sticker on the back of the cards they sent - dont have to read the envelope or remember who someone is when you're sending the thank you notes

Robin_Abrahams: Nice idea! Can I use that as a "My Word," jhtbh?

Ms__Fit: If you give someone tickets to something in thanks for something you got from them (business situation which is standard in the industry - I got a free hotel room before I signed a contract to hold a conference there - and I paid for the tickets out of my own pocket), do you inquire about if they enjoyed the event. I've already asked once about whether or not he was able to exchange the tickets to a date that worked for him. Just drop it, right?

Robin_Abrahams: I'd say "I hope you enjoy it" when you give the tickets and leave further comments up to them. The person might feel awkward if they appreciated the tickets, but in fact did not particularly enjoy the show/concert/game.

boston_guy: how often or how many years is it acceptable to do a memorial service for the deceased. If theses are excessive, is it rude not to attend them anymore.

Robin_Abrahams: This sounds very odd--what's going on? Who's having multiple memorial services for the same person? Typically there is only one memorial service, usually within a year of the death (though if there's logistical reasons, it might be later).

recently_married: a question: my Fiance' and I decided to Elope this past weekend (got married saturday afternoon), and in doing so, we told a handful of people ahead of time (mostly our immediate families) at what time, and where we were doing it. My question is in regards to issuing congradulations after the fact. Her sister hasn't called at all, her brother took till monday to call, and her mother finally laft a message late last night saying that she had been waiting for us to call her! And my parents and siblings all sent best wishes the morning of, but only one has followed up afterward with a congrats...and the rest I am sure are taking the same stance, that its our job to call them. Who is right here? Thanks,

Robin_Abrahams: Do not start off the merger of two families with "who's right"? CALL THEM AND TELL THEM and let them celebrate with you. It doesn't matter who's right, it matters that everyone in the family feels loved and included and special.

AuntBeth__downtoearth_: It is standard to hold an additional memorial Mass at the first year anniversary and may be proper to do so at each anniversary. More frequently than that, if given by the same group or person, sounds unusual.

Robin_Abrahams: Ah, thanks, AuntBeth. I knew someone could help with that. And would it be the case that only very close family and friends would attend the subsequent (post-first-anniversary) Masses? I say Kaddish for my father of blessed memory every year, but I don't expect anyone to join me.

Cat: Holiday season is fast approaching and I have a friend who tends to give me elaborate (and expensive) gifts. I've already told her that I don't exchange gifts with friends but that hasn't stopped her. I feel bad that she gives me a gift and I don't give her one. I've taken her to lunch as a treat . But with her gifts it feels more like an obligation than my choice. Any advice on how to stop the gift giving or should I just accept it?

Robin_Abrahams: Oh, people like that give the Christmas spirit a bad name, don't they? If you can't talk her into doing something like giving to charity, going to lunch someplace fancy, or buying each other theater tickets and having a night on the town, let it go. You've communicated honestly, it's her choice to keep doing what she's doing.

manicmomma: re: memorial service....it's customary for Roman Catholics to have a Mass said every year, but it's not required for everyone under the sun to attend after the first year.

Robin_Abrahams: Thanks, MM, and AuntBeth following--

AuntBeth__downtoearth_: Correct. An anniversary Mass would be for family and very close friends - you would not expec tthe same type of attendance as you would a funeral. And it would not be publicized like a funeral would be (in the paper.)

Robin_Abrahams: See, when you live in a diverse society like America, even Miss Conduct can't be expected to know the ins and outs of every different religious, ethnic, or subcultural group's practices! The important thing is to be willing to ask.

recently_married: I guess I was not trying to start any fued,..rather inquire about properness,..as I can say for my wife...she was feeling a bit bummed out that none of her family thought enough to call her...its within your point about making sure everyone feels loved, that I ask the question. Since we made sure to discuss our reasons for elopment with all that were close to us before hand, we thought we covered our side of making everyone feel loved,..and were feeling a bit lacking in the return love....so i wanted to find out if maybe i was viewing the situation wrong.

Robin_Abrahams: I didn't mean to harsh on you unnecessarily, and I'm sorry if I did. I'm even more sorry that your wife's family isn't being as responsive as they should be. It's rough that your marriage is starting off on this note--but you are each other's main source of support, now, so I guess this is a big lesson in that. I still think there's no point in applying rules to the situation--if I were her, I'd call my family and let them know I was hurt. And then I'd get to rockin' my at-home honeymoon! You're her family now, RM.

Robin_Abrahams: And that is that for today, everyone. Welcome to fall, Happy New Year for those in 1) school, or 2) the Jewish tradition, and I'll see you all again, I hope, on Wednesday the 19th, same time & cyber-place. Thank you all for making it a good one!