Setbacks have to be faced to be overcome

In the moments after Ben Flaim opened the oh-so-thin letter from Dartmouth College that told him he had not been accepted, he remembers being hit with a second disappointment. "The first thing my mom said was, `Don't worry, it's not the end of the world'," says Flaim. "To me, it was a big deal, a very big deal, and here she was discounting my feelings." Flaim is now a very happy junior at Boston University. That he remembers his mother's words three years later highlights a developmental need that often escapes parents: A child who experiences disappointment can't get past it unless she has the chance to face it. Our first job is to acknowledge the loss, not try to cheer her up.

"When you don't validate feelings, you negate them. It comes across as a lack of understanding: `Mom doesn't get it,' " says developmental psychologist John Dacey of Boston College.

This is true for any age child, for any disappointment , but the advice is especially relevant for parents of high school seniors. With some time yet before college envelopes arrive, Harvard developmental psychologist Janine Bempechat urges parents to set the stage for the possibility of disappointment .

It's not that you need to be a pessimist -- "I don't think you're going to get in" -- because a child hears that as, "Dad doesn't believe in me.' But, says Bempechat, "You could say, `This is a great thing to try for, but you'll still be the same great person even if it doesn't work out.' " That reality dose is as important for parents as children.

"Sometimes the problem for the child isn't her own disappointment , but the parent's," says Karen Levin Coburn, assistant vice chancellor for students at Washington University in St. Louis. She urges parents not to be overly invested in any one college, or for that matter, in anything a child strives for, from private school to a slot on a sports team.

The burden of failure "It's a terrible burden when a child thinks he has failed you," says Coburn. She is author of "Letting Go: A Parent's Guide to Understanding the College Years" (Harper Perennial).

For a teen, rejection from your first choice is more than a horrible disappointment . "He truly thinks his life is ruined," says psychologist Frances K. Grossman of Boston University. Dacey says, "He feels like a nonperson, a nobody." Our first instinct is to take that pain away and let them know they are still a somebody. That's an important message, but not just yet, says Grossman.

"Starting when they are young, we tend to shield them from disappointment . We distract them, we make something not happen. That's a disservice," says Grossman. "It doesn't give them the coping skills they need for life's daily disappointments." Begin the training early. "If a 4-year-old isn't invited to a birthday party, instead of saying, `We'll go skating that day and have a better time than all those kids,' acknowledge that it feels lousy. Help her to sit with the feelings and digest them: `You're disappointed, aren't you?' " Even if that's all you say, you have done something important: established credibility. You're saying to your child, "I know how this feels, I understand you." Unfortunately, many parents are afraid to do this. "They think if they support a child's feelings, she'll think it really is a catastrophe and not get beyond it. But kids don't work that way, according to Dacey; they need to experience the present before they can look to the future. There's also a difference between saying, "Yes, you're right, this is as bad as you think it is," and, "I can understand how you feel." "It's subtle, but they hear it," Dacey says.

Controlled empathy
The more you tolerate your child's sadness, the more you enable them to, too. There are pitfalls, though. Empathize but not to the point of taking over the disappointment. "Don't go on and on about how awful you feel," says Coburn. "You rob him of his right to feel badly." If you have a pattern of overreacting, he may not even tell you he's upset. "Your response can be frightening or just plain aggravating," she says.

This doesn't mean you can't be honest. "It's OK to share your disappointment as long as you do it in a way that also shows how you're coping," says Grossman. In the case of a college rejection, for instance, she might say, " `I was hoping you could go there because it's where I went, so I'm sad. But I'll get over it and help you figure out the next step.'"

The way we handle our disappointments is critical, says Bempechat, who is author of "Against All Odds: How `At-Risk' Students Exceed Expectations" (Jossey-Bass). "We're helping a child develop a coping repertoire," she says. "Whether we lash out in anger or sit with a cup of tea and talk develops a different mind-set in our children."

Dacey tells parents to be prepared to stay in the empathy mode longer than we expect. "It takes as long as it takes," he says, two hours or two days. "Don't be in a rush." If you have been impatient in the past with a child who you think is too easily crushed by setbacks, this strategy may enable him to move on more quickly.

A good rule of thumb is to wait until he's no longer furious or crying.

Crying, Dacey adds, is something parents should encourage, even for boys.

"Tears are literally loaded with adrenaline. The crying expels the excess adrenaline so you can think clearly again," he says. Physical activity helps, too.

Once she's calm, encourage her to talk: "How are you feeling?" "What are you thinking?" "I know you're not ready to talk now, but whenever you are, I'm ready to listen." Be prepared for some pretty strong, even dramatic answers, including from young children: "My life is ruined!" "I'll never have friends!" "I'll never go to college!" Whatever the feelings, rephrase them without judgment: "You're worried no one likes you, huh?"

Empowering the child The last step is to empower a child by helping him see he has choices still available. "Sometimes this requires a new way of thinking about something," says Dacey, whose newest book, "Understanding Creativity" (Jossey-Bass), covers that subject.

Start with general comments: "OK, let's dust ourselves off and figure out options." Leave it to him to come up with actual solutions, though.

"As soon as you say, `I always liked your safety school better,' he'll discard the idea," says Coburn.

On the other hand, you can float ideas, as long as they are only suggestions: "What about visiting that school again?" The more thoughts on the table, the more in control a child begins to feel. With college, for instance, Coburn says, "Talk through the pros and cons of second vs. third choice so a child feels like she can go someplace else not by default but by choice."

For Ben Flaim, two things helped him almost immediately. After he read his rejection letter, he took the train from his home in Queens, N.Y., back to school in Manhattan to tell his guidance counselor. "The hour alone on the train gave me time to think," he says. Once there, the guidance counselor called Dartmouth to ask what had been his downfall. It was his SATs.

"Having a concrete reason helped," Flaim says.

Dacey endorses calling the school. "Let's say you learn enrollment is up 25 percent this year, as it is at BC, and that in a different year, you might have gotten in. That can take the sting out of rejection and even give you options: Maybe you want to reapply next year," he says.

Within a week after his rejection, Flaim was accepted at BU, his safety school. In hindsight, he says it was the best thing that happened. "At BU, I could major in English and minor in music. I couldn't have done that at Dartmouth," he says.

As good as things have worked out and as supportive as his parents were about BU, there's one thing that nags at Flaim: "I was worried I wouldn't get into any college, I had no idea what would happen to me, and here were my parents being really calm, saying I'd get in somewhere. That took pressure off me so it was helpful, but if they had just said, `I understand why you're so upset,' that would have made it easier."

DEALING WITH DISAPPOINTMENT
Nonverbal messages can be very supportive: a pat on the back, a hug, a sympathetic facial expression.

- Don't take it personally if your child gets on the phone with his best friend to talk about his disappointment before he talks to you. Anything that helps him process it is valuable.

- If you have a history of being judgmental or unsympathetic, tell a child of any age: "I know last time you were disappointed I wasn't very supportive. I hope you'll try me again next time; I'm going to try to do better."

- Relate setbacks you experienced as a child. Talk about what happened and how bad you felt, but don't moralize unless your child asks you, "So what did you learn?"

- Whether you agree or disagree with your child's reaction to a setback doesn't matter; the feelings are real to him.