If your child got lost, would he know what to do? Ask him

By Barbara F. Meltz, Globe Staff, 10/23/2003

There's a photo of Patric McCarthy next to my screen as I write. It's as cogent a reminder as any I can think of for why it's important for parents to have ongoing conversations with children of all ages about what to do if they get lost. Patric, who was 10, died from exposure last week in the woods near his family's Loon Mountain, N.H., condo. He became lost after separating from his stepbrothers in a race to get home.

Children don't have to be in the woods to get lost. They stray from us at the grocery store, get separated at sporting events, wander off at the mall. In a typical week, the Museum of Science helps 10 to 12 lost children reunite with parents. In a typical year, 62,000 children nationwide get lost, according to figures from the US Department of Justice.

"It's vastly more frequent than abduction by strangers or foul play," says David Finkelhor, codirector of the Crimes Against Children Research Center at the University of New Hampshire.

Most of our children probably didn't mention Patric McCarthy to us, prompting us to sigh in relief and assume they didn't hear about him.

Don't bet on it.

The story got a lot of news attention. Not only do children have a way of glomming on to news stories that involve other children, but this particular story feeds into some of childhood's most common fears: fear of the dark and of monsters, of unknown places, and of getting lost. On top of that, factor in how media-saturated children's lives are today and the backdrop of other scary things in the world -- the war on terror, the war in Iraq -- and it's more likely than not that the typical child has heard something about this tragedy and needs help processing it, says child psychiatrist Bill Beardslee, chief of psychiatry at Children's Hospital.

The heart of the issue for any age child is a normal, egocentric thought: "Could this happen to me?"

"It's not that kids are literally afraid of being lost in the woods," says Beardslee, although some may be. Rather, he says, children of all ages benefit from knowing they can talk to us about anything, including things that are scary, and it's a source of security when we have conversations about how we keep them safe.

"Parents tend to think having a conversation about getting lost will scare a child. The opposite is true," says Finkelhor. "Done right, the conversation empowers a child."

Beardslee would have a conversation with children 7 or older, and with any child younger than that who he strongly suspected had been exposed to the facts. Here's how he would begin:

"There's been a story in the news about a child who unexpectedly got lost in the woods. Have you heard about it? Do you have any questions?" If a child says yes, he would prompt him, "Tell me what you heard," so that you can focus in on his specific concerns.

If he says no, he would say, "I wanted to let you know about this, because you might hear about it. What's sad is that this boy got lost and cold, and he died. So I thought it would be important for us to think together about how you can be safe, in case you ever get separated from us."

Beardslee says this conversation is particularly important to have this weekend because of the change to Daylight Savings Time. "Children who are accustomed to returning from a playmate's house or the school bus at 5 p.m. will suddenly find themselves in the dark," he says. "That can be scary."

The key to a conversation is to be matter-of-fact and calm, says Suzin Bartley, executive director of the Massachusetts Children's Trust Fund. Here are three rules she recommends:

Check-in: "If plans change, call home, or tell the adult in charge." Bartley began to drum this into her sons when they were 4. (When children are young, be sure to tell them which adult is in charge.) Paul, 10, still isn't great about calling to say he's gone from one neighborhood playmate's house to another's. She will remind him, "It's scary for me, if I want to find you and you aren't where you said you would be." Son Brian, on the other hand, is 15. He rolls his eyes when she reminds him of the rule, but he still follows it.

Buddy system. "Wherever you go, go with a friend." The younger children are when you start this, the less intrusive it will feel as they get older. Parameters may vary from family to family, depending on a child's level of maturity, how well he knows the neighborhood, and the neighborhood itself. If a 10-year-old is at a playmate's two doors away and she insists she can walk home herself, look for a compromise: "I'll agree to that if you agree to call me when you leave."

Meeting place. "What's a good meeting place, if we get separated?" Bartley would start this as soon as children are cognitively aware of their surroundings, typically at 4. Bob Colantoni, manager of security at the Museum of Science, tells parents to ask this question whenever you arrive at any public location. By 11 or 13, children want and deserve more independence, especially at a place like the Museum of Science, but Colantoni cautions not to let it happen without responsibility. "If you're comfortable having them go off on their own, have periodic check-ins," he says: "'Where do you want to meet in an hour-and-a-half?' Of course, that assumes they'll check the time."

Bartley also recommends teaching preschoolers their full name and parents' full names, as well as their phone number and how to place a collect call from a public phone. She would also tell them, "If we ever get separated, don't go to the car. Stay where you were when you last saw us, when you got lost. We will always look for you, and that's where we will look first."

In addition, Bartley would identify people a child could ask for help. "As you walk through a store, remind them, `This is a cashier, security guard, policeman. If you ever got lost, this is a person you could go to." She wouldn't do this every time, but fairly frequently.

She knows first-hand that this strategy works. When Brian was 5, they were at a Toys R Us. He wanted to stay in an aisle to play while she shopped. "OK," she told him, "but stay here." Minutes later, she was paged over the loudspeaker. His concentration had waned, he had looked up and didn't see her.

"I went down front," he told her. "I knew they would find you."

To his mind, it was Mom who was lost. And he knew just how to find her.

Contact Barbara Meltz at meltz@globe.com