Respond with love, not anger
By Barbara F. Meltz, Globe Staff | January 29, 2004
Some typical scenarios and how to respond: She hoards food. By following the trail of a nasty smell, you discover a cache under her mattress. Don't shame, scold, or punish; that reinforces her need to be in control. Ask her each morning to help you clean up the food. Repeat each time in a loving way that she can have food whenever she wants. If you catch her as she's taking food, put her on your lap and make a game of putting food into her mouth. If she won't let you, find some other way to feed her, eventually so that you are also lavishing her with affection. Your message: I am always here to give you what you need. He doesn't listen. This is likely a purposeful behavior designed for you to lose control. Don't punish or repeat the request. Pick up the toys yourself: "You seemed really busy, so I cleaned up." If he asks, "Where's my black car?" tell him, "Gee, I put your cars in your room. I don't remember where that one is." The message he gets: If I want to know where my toys are, I better do this myself. Or, be a team and do chores together, yours and his. Make a chart of things you do well together and show it off to everyone. The message he gets: We have more in common than I realize. He has frequent temper tantrums. Don't talk to him or put him in a time-out (isolation confirms that he is unlovable). If possible, scoop a young child into your arms and give him time-in, that is, time with you, where you carry him around: If you can't pick him up, stay with him until the tantrum passes. Sit an older child next to you and give him paper: "Can you draw your anger?" Your message: I will not leave you, even when you are angry and in pain. She's flirtatious with men, mostly sitting on their laps or caressing their face. This is a serious behavior not only for what it may point to in her past but also because it puts her at risk for being victimized in the future. Don't ignore it or wait to talk about it afterward. Label it at the moment ("Stop flirting.") and interrupt it. Lift her off the man's lap, if necessary. If she won't come, reach for her hand and leave the room. Avoid anger. Your message: I'm the one who loves you.
© Copyright 2006 Globe Newspaper Company.
|
Nurturing an adopted child
That some older adoptive children don't know how to trust can be the source of misunderstanding, frustration, anger, and pain for many of the parents who adopt them.
Attachment disorder signs
1. There is often a honeymoon period
after an adoption that can last up
to six months. A child will do
everything possible to make you happy
for fear you, too, will abandon him.
Sooner or later, he can't keep it up and
more typical behaviors will emerge.
2. Attachment therapy includes
responding to your child at the
stage of development where the most
emotional injury probably occurred. A
5-year-old, for instance, may need you
to play Peek-A-Boo because he never
learned to trust object permanence, or
have you give him a bottle because he
missed out on that intimacy. If he
won't let you physically get this close,
talk about it: ''If you had been my baby
from birth, I would have fed you in my
arms and given you oodles of kisses.''
3. If that makes older siblings
jealous or angry, offer to do the
same thing for them (they probably
won't really want it), but also explain,
''I'm filling her up with the Mommy
love that you got by being my birth
child. She would have had it if she had
been born to me, too.''
4. An early tip-off to attachment
disorder is oppositional behavior
at home but compliance with adults in
other settings. It's because he's most
threatened by you. You're pushing for
genuine emotional intimacy; other
adults aren't.
5. Signs that you need professional
help: persistent lying that includes
''crazy'' lying (he knows you see him
take his sister's cookie, but he lies
anyway); hyper-vigilance (he asks over
and over what's going to happen
next); persistent poor hygiene (a
subconscious way to keep you at a
distance); dangerous acting-out
behavior.
6. Avoid unconditional praise. He
probably doesn't think he's
worthy of it and will feel challenged to
prove that he isn't. Praise his specific
behavior instead: ''What a good job
you did setting the table,'' rather than,
''What a good boy you are.''
7. Help her form attachments by:
surrounding her senses with
reminders of you (give her something
of yours to wear that has your scent,
give him your pillow to sleep with,
send her to school with your scarf). If
she doesn't listen well, try whispering.
It will get her attention and she has to
get physically closer to hear you.
8. Adoption Crossroads (800-972-
2734), funded by the state but
privately run, offers free post-adoptive
services for all Massachusetts
residents, regardless of where the
adoption occurred. For general
information on adoption and foster
care in Massachusetts, visit www.state.ma.us/dss/
Home/infomeetings.htm.
|
