Lending more than an ear: Really listening takes practice
"Mom! Dad! You aren't listening!"Don't you wonder how our children can say that? The very fibers of our beings are intricately, intently, and indelibly tuned in to them. We are listening all the time! Well, most of the time. We all lead busy lives these days, children included. Listening -- really listening -- takes time, energy, patience, and practice. The benefits are worth the effort. If you're a good listener, not only do you learn all sorts of handy, interesting stuff about your children and their lives, but you also strengthen the bond between the two of you. When children feel listened to, they are more likely to trust us, to feel cared for, and to keep talking to us.
"When children don't feel listened to, it's as if we have slammed a door on them. After a while, they don't come back for more," says Adele Faber. Her book, "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk, 20th Anniversary Edition" (HarperCollins), with co-author Elaine Mazlish, is one of the all-time, best-selling parenting books.
She offers an anecdote about her grandson as an example of the difference listening can make. When Danny, now 11, was 3, he and his mom, Joanna, were visiting at a house where the kitchen floor had been newly refinished. Wouldn't you know it, Danny began to push the chairs around. Joanna asked him to stop.
"Danny want push fur'ture," he told her. "Danny," she said, "Linda has a new floor. The chairs could hurt it."
"Danny want push fur'ture!" he repeated loudly. "No, Danny," she said, her voice louder, too. Now Danny was working toward a tantrum: "DANNY WANT PUSH FUR'TURE!"
"Danny," said his mother, in a suddenly calmer voice. "You really want to push the furniture, don't you?"
"Yes!" he said excitedly. There was a pause. Then, "Danny want play swing," he said, and headed for the door.
How could something so simple defang Danny so deftly?
"Once a child is heard and his feelings are accepted, he can move on," Faber says. Without that, children and parents each dig themselves deeper into their ruts. "A child becomes trapped in his feelings," she says. "Logic and intellect shut down."
Older children typically feel parents aren't listening if we jump in too quickly with questions and solutions. "This is a reflex reaction by parents when we feel anxious or worried by what they tell us, especially with teens," says Worcester child and adolescent psychologist Paul Rosen, a specialist in parenting issues. He is author of "Talking, Listening, Connecting. . . with Your Kids" (Alpha Press), available at tlcparenting.com.
As human as our reactions may be, they aren't helpful. If you jump in with a limit -- "I told you, the answer is No!" -- she feels dismissed. A quick, reflexive reaction to a teen ("There was beer? No more parties with those kids!") and he'll regret ever telling you. "It took courage for him to tell you, he probably wanted some kind of guidance, but now he feels like you didn't give him a chance. If it happens repeatedly, he'll stop telling you," Rosen says.
Luckily, it's possible to be good listeners without sacrificing our parental authority. Here are seven strategies professionals recommend:
Repeat what she told you. This is what Joanna did. Known as active listening, it's popular among therapists, says child psychologist Lawrence Shapiro, author of "The Secret Language of Children, How to understand what your kids are really saying" (Sourcebook). "By literally acting as a mirror, you give him a chance to reconsider his own words," he says.
Repeating his words ("So, you really hate your teacher.") rather than denying or minimizing them ("How can you hate your teacher? He's the best teacher in the school!") scores points because it shows you're paying attention. The trick is to not give away your feelings. "You can't sound angry or judgmental. You really have to be neutral," Shapiro says. That makes it more likely for her to self-correct: "Well, maybe I don't hate him, but he sure was stupid today." Now there's room for a dialogue. ("He did something stupid, huh? Tell me about it.")
Add two doses of empathy. Rosen says the most typical reason young children don't feel listened to is because parents brush off comments as inconsequential ("Honey, don't be silly") or move too quickly to tell them what to do ("Of course you have to do this homework."). First, says Rosen, "Say the words, `I can see why you are upset.' " Then add a second dose of empathy after you repeat back what she said ("So the teacher said this homework is extra. I can see why you wouldn't want to do it.") "If she feels listened to, she's far more likely to see another perspective than if you just tell her she has to do the extra work," he says.
Banish "but." Faber says a parental "but" ("You sound so disappointed you have to miss the party, but there will be other parties.") almost always cancels out anything that might have made her feel you understood. Alternatives: Name what she's likely feeling ("The last thing you want is to be sick in bed!"); grant her wish in fantasy ("Don't you wish medicine could make you better in 20 minutes?"); substitute other words. Instead of "but," try, "The problem is" ("The problem is, your friends might get sick, too." ) or substitute, "Even though you know." Rather than, "I know you hate your haircut, but it will grow back," try, "Even though you know it will grow back, don't you wish the stylist had listened to you better?"
Teach the language of feelings. In the heat of upset, it's hard for a young child to use his words. So he has a tantrum. Unable to get at the feelings that caused the tantrum, parents typically respond to the behavior, which only frustrates a child more: "You don't get it! You're not listening!" Shapiro reasons that the more practice young children have naming emotions during the times when they are not upset, the more able they will be when they are upset to access that vocabulary and, thus, feel listened to. He's developed 60 different games to play with children (parentstore.com). By creating a setting where feelings get listened to respectfully, it's like accruing trust in a bank. You can draw upon it later.
Draw, don't talk. When your kindergartner tells you, "John was mean to me on the playground," instead of asking questions he will perceive as annoying and intrusive ("What did he say? What did you do?") tell him, "Draw me a picture of what happened." You'll get more information this way, Shapiro says, because he'll respond to comments about the drawing. ("That boy looks very angry. Was he angry?" "Yeah, he likes to throw sand.") You also have a good chance of imparting information he otherwise wouldn't likely listen to. ("It looks like he's not a very good playmate. Can you draw me a picture of someone who is more fun to play with?")
This strategy can work even with young children whose drawings are not yet representational. If he draws heavy, black lines, you might say, "Boy! Is that how angry you are? Show me again." You do the drawing if he doesn't want to: "Is this how you feel?" What you're telling him is that you can listen to his feelings and accept them, whatever they are. Once the feelings are expressed, move on. "Don't dwell on them," says Faber.
Make the most of silence. If you're at an impasse and you say, "This is a real problem. What can we do in a case like this?" and then you're just quiet, Faber says it is typically interpreted as a sign of respect, as in, "Mom realizes how important this is. She's really thinking about it." It takes time for parents to be comfortable with silence (10 to 20 seconds is often enough), but Faber says it often enables a school-age child to have an "Aha!" moment: "I know!" "Your presence is what counts. She will feel listened to," Faber says. Silence is a particularly good strategy with teens, says psychologist Michael Reira, author of "Staying Connected to Your Teenagers" (Perseus), perhaps the best book available for parents of teens. He calls it the 10-second rule. "Wait 10 seconds before you say anything. Count slowly." By 10, a teen is likely to offer up more information, or answer her own question. "She hands you her problem so she can think about it better herself," he says. That you don't immediately respond with a solution, criticism, or lecture makes her feel listened to and empowered.
One other tip: Don't shy away from eye contact during the silence but don't go out of your way to make it.
Listen to what they say nonverbally. Is there any better way to tell a preschooler that he's been listened to than by naming his problem for him? ("I can see you have to go to the bathroom!") It's trickier with preteens and teens. They don't like attention drawn to them, but they also don't like to be ignored. Reira suggests making observations in a neutral way ("I see you've changed your hairstyle") as well as following up on what he told you earlier ("You look kind of down, and I remember you were anxious about your test. How'd it go?"). "Even if he blows you off, it registers that you remember," he says. "That counts more than you think."
Contact Barbara F. Meltz at meltz@globe.com
