After parents separate, teens may act out

1. Since your separation, has your teenager made some new friends? Make a point to find out if they also have parents going through divorce. Psychologist Judith Wallerstein warns that that can be an unhealthy dynamic. It's one thing to have a friend or two who share the experience, but to be surrounded by divorce can make it an unhealthy focus of their lives. Bring it to your child's attention: ''Have you noticed that all of your new friends have parents who are divorced? I wonder if that's skewing your view of marriage...''

2. It's OK to be emotionally authentic with your teen (''I'm having a really bad day.'') but don't turn her into your confidante. Just because she looks and sometimes acts like a grown-up doesn't mean she is any more capable than a young child of hearing your intimate details. If anything, she's at greater risk because she's at a stage of development where she's asking profound questions of herself (''Am I lovable? Am I capable of loving someone else?''). Having details about her same-sex parent can influence the answers she arrives at: ''Dad says mom was a terrible lover. I probably will be, too.''

3. If your teen is acting our more since your separation, deal with it as you would when your family was intact. If you let things slide because you're making excuses for him (''Oh, he's having such a hard time.''), he's likely to think, ''This must be even worse than I thought. Mom can't even cope.'' That can drive him to even riskier behavior.

4. Some teens in families that are breaking up exhibit clear-cut symptoms of distress, such as cutting themselves, but other signs are more subtle: over- or under-eating; changes in behavior patterns, including a drop in grades; new groups of friends; lack of interest in once-favorite activities. Seek professional help.