You think divorcing is easy? Fuhgeddaboudit

Dear Tony and Carmela Soprano (since your divorce on the HBO show "The Sopranos" isn't final yet, I figure it's still OK to address you that way),

On your episode a week ago, it was pretty clear you were having serious parenting issues. Anthony Jr. may never have been easy but isn't it obvious he's out of control? Do you think he was just sleeping when he spent the night in a hotel with friends? Do most kids come home with their eyebrows shaved off, swearing at their parents? C'mon, Tony, are you in such denial you think you can buy his love with a new SUV? And Carmela, you're usually the parent with good sense. Are you so beaten down that you had to hand him over to Tony? I know, I know. He's back home now. I'll get to that later.

I feel for you guys. Really. It's not easy going through a divorce when you have children, harder if they're teenagers because teenagers are, well, just different animals. But you know, even though your family is living on the edge as lowlife mobsters in most ways (well, not you Carmela), you've got some things right as parents. Other parents might even be able to learn from you.

For instance, it's great that you showed up together for a conference with the college counselor, Mr. Wegler.

Anthony isn't exactly a National Merit Scholar, but going to college may mean more to him than he lets on. Teenagers aren't great at expressing themselves, you know? Plus, this famous California child psychologist named Judith Wallerstein says college is just about the biggest worry for teens whose parents are splitting. They don't know if they'll still be able to go, or if their parents will pull together to help them make decisions, or who's going to pay.

Anthony (am I being too familiar to call him AJ?) may not be worried about that last bit, but Wallerstein's advise is to spell it out for him anyway: "We'll figure this whole thing out just like we would have before. That's our job." By the way, she's co-author of the best-selling book "What about the Kids? Raising Your Children Before, During and After Divorce" (Hyperion). You might like it, it's just out in paperback.

It's also good the way the two of you hammer into AJ that he's got to pull up his grades, and it's great that you still talk to each other about what's going on. When Carmela said you should encourage extracurricular activities, you really heard that, Tony. Of course, she has a point when she said, "Brand new drums? Just like that?"

Which leads us to that car.

Tony, you're a material kind of guy, but do you really think this is, what did you call it, a motivational tool? Little kids can't see beyond the gifts, but teenagers? Clear as glass. They're smart enough to know that the hard part of parenting isn't giving presents, it's being there and putting up with the daily you-know-what. At least that's what Carol Maxym says. She's in Annapolis, Md., and she's a parent coach for families with troubled teens (not that I'm pointing any fingers) and co-author of a book, "Teens in Turmoil" (Viking).

Tony, she says you're way out of line. See if you can stay with this.

At the beginning of the show, AJ wants to go to a concert in New York City and spend the night with friends. Carmela, you say absolutely no, but later on you change your mind. It's great that you lay down the law for him (stay at your sister's apartment, keep your cellphone on so I can reach you), but you didn't really expect him to listen, did you?

The next morning, when AJ returns (minus his eyebrows, which a buddy shaved off while he was out cold on the floor, but, of course, you don't know that detail), Tony, you're ready to dismiss the night as "normal teenage" stuff. (Sorry, your exact quote doesn't make the newspaper's guidelines.) For you Carmela, this is about a whole lot more. You nail it when you tell Tony, "I blame myself. It's my pathetic need to compete with you that clouded my judgment. I wanted to get him to love me as much as he loves you."

In case you can't see what happened here, Tony, Maxym can.

"I've heard this story a lot of times in real life," she says. "Whenever one parent is more lenient than the other, there's a tendency for the parent with the higher standards to become resentful and competitive."

Carmela, remember when you tried to have a perfectly civil conversation with AJ at the table and he was so nasty? Maxym says that's because he's fighting with himself, only he doesn't know it. He wants to stay connected to you -- deep down, teenagers still really love their parents, if you can believe that -- but he feels like maybe it's babyish. So what does he say? "Can I go to my room?" Ouch.

Next time, don't take it personally. He's doing what any teenager

would do: He feels your pain and it's uncomfortable. He wants out, and there's two ways kids escape. One is to check out mentally, hide in their room, get high or sleep. Maxym knows teenagers who skip school, sleep all day and stay up all night just to avoid having to deal with anybody or anything. The other way is to leave, literally. In

practically every divorce where there's a teenager, sooner or later that kid will move out of the primary home and in with the other parent. So it wouldn't be unusual for AJ to live with Tony. But, Carmela, the way it happened, when you told Tony, "Take him. Let him live with you"? Not so good. Anthony Wolf, a child psychologist from Longmeadow (and yes, he's written a book, too: "Why did you have to get a divorce? And when can I get a hamster?" Noonday Press), says that in order for a teenager to successfully move from one house to the other, there needs to be serious thought and planning.

Hear that, Tony? This goes for you, too. Delivering AJ back to Carmela last week turned the poor kid into a ping-pong ball. What messages did that send? And whether you sent him packing because you were fed up with him or to protect him from who-knows-what doesn't make any difference. Most teenagers who leave one parent to go live with the other usually end up back with the first parent. But Tony? Like Wolf says, it works better when it doesn't happen on impulse.

Carmela, the real question is, now that AJ's back, can you cope? Wolf thinks you were just feeling stuck because you were so vulnerable. Maxym says AJ needs to know you can stay the course.

Whatever. Can we agree, it's just a matter of time before he pushes your buttons again? Another divorce specialist, Christy Buchanan from Wake Forest University, has a suggestion: Be true to yourself. Next time, "Tell him honestly how you feel: `I would be compromising my values if I let you do this when I know you aren't ready. I love you very much and it breaks my heart that you're so angry with me, but it's not going to make me change my mind.' " (Yes, yes, she's a co-author, too: "Adolescents after Divorce," Harvard Press.) Will there be a scene? Sure. You can deal.

Carmela, does it help to know you're not alone? Lots of parents feel battered by the separation process and, after this week, you have even more reason. But, hey Tony, it's good that you care about setting homework as a priority. Like I said, you and Carmela are doing some things right.

Oh, one last thought. You know how the college counselor said straight out, "Anthony should be seeing a psychologist"? And the two of you said, nah, he's handling the split well? You want to rethink that, or what?

For what it's worth, Barbara Meltz

Contact Barbara Meltz at meltz@globe.com