How to make the most of summer time together

In 11 days, Jack Foley's two daughters will come from New Jersey to Cape Cod to spend seven days with him. Kate is 6, Caroline is 4. Jack is terrified.

"Is that too strong a word for me to use?" he asks. "Because, honestly, my goal between now and then is to try to avoid being completely terrified."

Some of his angst is tied to concrete issues, like finding foods they will eat and being able to comfort them in the middle of the night. "Sometimes, one will have a bad dream and she'll cry for her mom, and I can't quiet her, I can't comfort her. It's an awful feeling to not be able to comfort your own child," he says.

But some of it is amorphous and even more poignant.

"How do you squeeze all the lost time into this slim time we have together?" he wonders. "It's an equation I have yet to break."

For divorced parents like Foley who live far from their children, summer can afford precious time together. But as much as any parent or child may look forward to it, "You don't just pick up your kids and stick them in the car and think everything is going to be fine," says family therapist David Knox of Greenville, N.C., whose practice specializes in divorce.

The key to successful time together is to plan for it long before, says Knox, who is author of "The Divorced Dad's Survival Book" (Perseus). Beginning when children are as young as 6, he recommends involving them in the planning; the more say they have, the more they will want it to succeed. "The trick is to offer them choices you can live with -- `Do you want to camp at the beach or the mountains?' -- and that are also within your budget," he cautions.

Foley says the transition time, especially the hand-off from one parent to the other, is typically the hardest. That doesn't surprise psychologist Samuel Migdole of the North Shore Counseling Center in Beverly and Topsfield. "All children need time to adapt," he says. "Even an outgoing child may be shy at first." His center runs groups for children and parents of divorce called P2F, 2 Parents, 2 Families.

There are any number of ways in which preparation can ease that transition, from sending photos of your house to refresh their memory, to asking if pistachio is still her favorite ice cream. "Questions like that let her know you're someone who pays attention," says Knox.

By far, however, what makes the biggest difference in the transition and, indeed, in how the time together will go is the preparation and send-off a child receives from the parent he or she is leaving.

"That parent needs to give full support," says San Francisco-area family therapist Isolina Ricci. Not a wishy-washy "'I hope this will be fun for you," but an excited, upbeat "I know this is going to be terrific!" Ricci is author of "Mom's House, Dad's House, Making Two Homes for Your Child" (Fireside).

A child whose parent is ambivalent about the care the other parent will provide ("Gee, I wonder if I should send extra underwear, in case your father doesn't do a wash?"), or who worries she'll be lonely ("What will I do without you?") sets a child up to have a bad time, says Migdole. In the short run, a child could worry about her own well-being ("Mom doesn't think I'll be safe."). In the long run, it creates what is known as a loyalty bind: She doesn't feel free to have a good time with one parent because she thinks that makes her disloyal to the other.

Migdole urges parents not to cry at parting. "It makes a child think, `I'm doing something wrong, I'm making my mother cry.' A child should not be made to feel guilty for having two parents," he says.

So what should you say? "I know you'll have a great time. You can tell me all about it when we talk on the phone."

Knox says children should be able to speak to the other parent as often as they'd like, and it's important for them to know that. However, some children get sad after a conversation. He says that's usually because the parent has forgotten the rule: Keep it upbeat for your child's sake. There's something else Migdole tells that parent: "When they come back and they've had a good time, you can pat yourself on the back for knowing you sent off a child who was able to adapt."

Since his divorce two years ago, Foley has been devoted to speaking to his daughters on the telephone every day and driving to Trenton to see them about every two weeks. But they come to his turf only two or three times a year, usually to Cambridge, where he lives, but to Yarmouth Port in the summer. Although he knows this isn't ideal, it's the best he can do for now, and he puts a lot of thought into how he can make it successful. For instance:

Buy a welcome gift or not? "I used to buy presents for when they first got here," Foley says. "I'm not going to this year. I'm afraid [that] it will turn into an expectation, that it will be the only reason they have an interest in coming." Migdole thinks that's wise. He prefers to buy a present spontaneously while you are together. Then the memory of the purchase is tied to the item, and it includes your presence. "Building memories is really what this is all about," says Knox.

Try to change eating habits? Because Foley's daughters are so young, it's hard to know if their finicky eating is a stage, a reaction to his cooking, or something to be worried about. Migdole says, "In a week's time, you can't figure that out or change bad habits." His advice with any child is to offer healthy choices along with food you know they will eat, but not to be rigid. "You don't want a battle at every meal." For children who get to eat junk food only at your house, he says, "That's fine, just not all the time."

Be satisfied with being a caretaker? Foley wants his daughters to know and enjoy their cousins, who will visit at the Cape, but because his time with them is so limited, he'd rather be their playmate than the baby-sitter. This is a classic struggle for parents. "Yes, there should be special activities that just involve you and your children," says Ricci. "There also should be time when they get to play with other children." The older children are, the trickier that can be. Knox says, "Between 9 and 12 when they want to bring a buddy, you can say yes or no. After that, you need to say yes more than no."

Because it is important for children to feel they can live a typical existence at your home, rather than feel like guests, Ricci tells parents to give them responsibilities such as feeding a pet or setting a table; to include them in your responsibilities, like grocery shopping or cleaning; and to have limits around behavior.

"Kids are used to limits; they aren't used to running wild," says Migdole. They also can understand that Mom and Dad's rules can be different.

Foley may be anxious, but he's also happily anticipating the visit. "Ideally? The three of us will be doing something together every minute. Realistically? I'll learn to be happy watching them play with a cousin."

Contact Barbara Meltz at meltz@globe.com.