Some campers must slowly test the waters
On the first day of camp at Beaver Summer Programs in Chestnut Hill, aquatics director Elizabeth Sandman and her staff are more than ready for campers like Ethan, Jake, and Brendan, Kira, Amanda, Allison, and Josh.
Take Ethan. An articulate almost-7-year-old, he refuses to change into his swimsuit. "Last year at another camp, kids made fun of me while I was changing, so I was scared they would be laughing at me today," he says. He stands on the pool deck at a safe distance -- physically and psychologically -- from the water. Did any kids laugh today? "Yes, but not at me," he says. Does he think he'll change his mind tomorrow? His expression indicates that's unlikely.
On any first day of camp, Sandman and camp director Nat Saltonstall expect about 10 percent of campers to refuse to go in the pool. But here's the good news: By the end of the summer, Sandman expects that no more than one or two will have refused to get wet, out of about 1,000 campers ages 3-15.
If you're the parent of a water-wary child, there's a lot to be learned from Sandman and her staff. For one thing, their approach is gentle. "We let kids go at their own pace," says Sandman, who has been Beaver's aquatics director for four years.
For another, she knows that what comes across as fear of the water may have nothing to do with the water per se.
Some children's fear may be due to temperament, for instance a reluctance to try something new, but it can also come from a scary drowning scene on TV or a big sister's antics with the sprinkler. It can stem from not liking the cold, the deep, the wet, or the feel of the sand. "Too much splashing makes some kids feel out of control," says Sandman. Too much noise overwhelms others, including the way sound reverberates in the locker room. It could even be the lack of privacy in the locker room. "Kids are much more aware of that now than they used to be," she says. With Ethan, she might suggest a counselor find a corner of the locker room where he can change by himself.
Is that going too far? At some point, shouldn't kids just learn to deal?
"There is nothing to be gained from rushing this," says Tamar Chansky, a child psychologist in Philadelphia.
Pressuring a child may get her in the water today, but can create trauma that will last a lifetime, not to mention distrust: "Mom/my counselor said she wouldn't make me go in, but she did. She's a person who breaks promises." A specialist in children's fears, Chansky is author of "Freeing Your Child from Anxiety" (Broadway Books).
That doesn't mean your child's fear need ruin a family vacation.
Rather than guess at the cause and possibly introduce a new fear, try to find out what, specifically, the issue is. With preschoolers, Chansky recommends talking through a favorite stuffed animal: "Spot says he's afraid at the lake. What do you think he's afraid of?" With 5- to 7-year-olds, she would use cartoons as a frame of reference: "When you think about going into the ocean, what's in your thought bubble?"
Once you have some information, don't pooh-pooh ("You're so silly -- that's nothing to be scared of!") or shame ("I can't believe a big boy like you is afraid of teeny waves like this!"). Make sure relatives don't, either.
On the other hand, whether you are parent or counselor, you don't want to be an enabler.
"To say every day, `You're afraid, you can sit it out,' has the effect of saying, `You're right, this is too scary, and you can't master it.' That just teaches avoidance," says psychologist Steven Garber, cofounder with his wife, Marianne Daniels Garber, of the Behavioral Institute of Atlanta. They are also co-authors of "Monsters Under the Bed and Other Childhood Fears" (Random House).
They recommend inching a child along at a rate dictated by the child, not the adult. "It's the parent who is too intent, not the child who is fearful, who will ruin a family vacation," says Marianne Garber. Even a 4- or 5-year-old can tell if he's disappointed you. Lower your expectations for what he can do, take turns keeping him company with your partner, and absolutely avoid telling him he's ruining your vacation.
Find out what feels safe to a child and work from there. Does she feel safe watching from a distance? Sitting at the edge? Getting her feet wet but not her face? "Start with that and stay there for a while, even if it takes the whole vacation," says Chansky. For instance, on a family vacation by the lake, she would ask on the first day, "What is the closest you can go to the waterfront?" On subsequent days: "What are you ready to do today?" That bestows a sense of control and mastery.
She also tells parents to keep the long-term goal in mind: "You're trying to develop a schema for what to do when any situation feels tough to them. That they can master anything if they work at it a little bit at a time."
Parents' fears also play into the equation. Bianca Latessa, a Brookline parent of three children at Beaver Summer Programs, is a former lifeguard who knows how easy it is to be distracted and lose track of a child in a split second. It happened to her at a friend's pool when her oldest son, Dante, 7, wandered into the deep end without realizing it. Luckily, she dove in and rescued him, but he was frightened and so was she.
When it came time to go to camp last summer, he didn't want to go in the pool and she wasn't ready to entrust him to the care of others. Director Saltonstall agreed to allow her to be at camp every day for Dante's swim period. This year, she knows Dante doesn't need her, but she's waiting for him to say so. She also admits it's taken her this long to build up her own confidence in the aquatic staff.
Chansky says a child will get over any fear quicker if she sees you're on her side. "We make deals all the time," says Beaver's Sandman. " `Today all you have to do is sit on the side.' Once they trust you, it goes a lot faster."
Sometimes it goes even faster than they anticipate. On the first day, 3-year-old Kira tearfully clung to counselor Jill Leibowitz on the pool deck. "If you don't want to go in, you don't have to," Leibowitz said repeatedly. "You don't even have to sit at the edge."
Kira didn't. But then Leibowitz went in the water even though she was wearing shorts, not a suit. That was funny enough to make 3-year-old Amanda, who was still in her shorts, want to try it. Suddenly, there was Kira climbing in, too. She got wet to her knees and then climbed back out.
That was plenty.
Contact Barbara Meltz at meltz@globe.com.
