If you really want to know, do more than ask 'how was your day?'

Arlington psychologist and best-selling author Michael Thompson tells of a mother who, when she would ask "How was school today," would get one useless answer after another: "Fine," "OK," and, for variety, "I forget." Out of frustration and maybe for a teeny bit of revenge, she began to skip the question and talk about her day instead. In excruciating detail.

Her children couldn't stand it. They actually interrupted her to talk about their day.

It's not a strategy Thompson would necessarily recommend but the story is instructive nonetheless. Most children do have something they want or are willing to tell us if only we give them the right opportunity. "How was school today?" absolutely isn't it.

"It's the wrong question because the answer is too complex. They don't know where to start, so they simply say, `Fine,"' says Thompson. He devotes the first chapter of his newest book, "The Pressured Child" (Ballantine), to the issue.

There's another reason the question gets us nowhere. "To an adult, `How was your day?' is a conversation starter, a social nicety," says parent educator Charles H. Flatter of the Institute of Child Studies at the University of Maryland/College Park. "To a child who hears it every day, it sounds automatic. So you get an automatic, routine answer."

Some parents are lucky. Their children are temperamentally talkative. You don't even need questions to get them started. For the rest of us, there's just frustration. After all, what goes on at school is important. We need to know what and how they are learning. We need to know how they interact with peers and teachers on the playground, in the cafeteria, at sports. Relationships affect who they are becoming as individuals. What's more, research shows that when parents talk about school with their children, it influences expectations and aspirations, says researcher Holly Kreider of the Family Research Project at the Harvard Graduate School of Education.

Don't our children know how legitimate our questions are?

It's not that they purposefully withhold information. Elementary-age students have neither the cognitive skills to think in terms of bullet points nor the reflective ability to organize a day verbally. In middle and high school, it's about privacy ("This is my life.") and loyalty. What if he reveals something to you and you tell Andy's mother and it gets back to Andy? Not only will Andy be angry but he might tease him for talking to his mother. "That's one reason why boys talk less than girls," says Thompson.

Here are three issues to consider when you want information:

Timing. Whether he's 6 or 16, "Expecting him to talk as soon as he gets home can feel assaultive. If anything, he needs to move away from the [school] day before he can talk about it," says parent educator Adele Faber, coauthor of the best-selling "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids will Talk" (Fireside). Time and distance work wonders, though. The 7-year-old who clams up after school may be a chatterbox at bedtime. (It doesn't hurt, either, that the transition to sleep is hard for many children. They know you'll stay longer if they talk.) Children also tend to be more talkative at the dinner table; if you're in the room while they're doing homework; or, with teens, late at night, including in the dark. "Lack of eye contact is helpful," says Flatter.

On the other hand, the idea isn't to ignore school when you first see each other. Flatter thinks of it as a verbal hug in the form of a statement, not a question: "It's nice to see you! Welcome home!" not, "How was your day?" or "You look like you survived the test," not, "How was your math test?" This is especially important with teens. "They don't want to be intruded upon, but they also don't want to be ignored," he says.

Tone. "Because they love us and don't want to disappoint us, [children] examine microscopically every question we ask for signs of judgment," says Thompson. Indeed, he adds, "They often hear it where none was intended." A statement like "You're quiet today" can be accusatory or empathetic. If it is taken as the former, she is likely to clam up to avoid criticism; if it sounds like the latter, she'll be more likely to open up because she feels supported.

Topic. Like any human being, a child is more likely to respond to questions that focus on what matters to her. With his daughter, Thompson says, "I couldn't ask an intelligent question about English class because I had too little to go on, but I could always pick up enough of a thread of a story to ask about a sport. I might ask, `Has practice changed as the season's gone on?' and that could lead to something else," like how a team gains momentum, which could lead to how a course gains momentum, which could even lead to English class.

Questions most likely to elicit a response are specific and non-judgmental. To a preschooler, not, "Did you have fun today?" but, "What was the most fun thing you did?" To an elementary student, not, "How was recess?" but, "What are the popular games at recess? What's your favorite?"

Conversations may also result from reading a child's body language. Again, statements are more effective than questions. To a 16-year-old who's stomping around the house, not, `What's wrong? What happened?' but, "You look like someone who's had a rotten day."

"Then leave it there," says Faber. That respects his privacy, but it also says, "I care. When you want to talk, I'm here."

Another reason why "How was school today?" often fails is because children interpret it, usually rightly so, as a desire for "an entertaining story of high grades," says Thompson. By fourth grade, he imagines this is what a typical child wants to say: "Mom, I know you want to hear about A's. I gave it my best effort but if I tell you how it really is, you'll tell me I need to do better. I know the way this conversation is going to go, and it's going to be annoying."

If you want academic information, Thompson says, "Ask directly, `Are you having trouble in anything?' `How did you do on your social studies test?' "

If he says, "It was harder than I expected," do you say, "What do you expect? You were IM'ing while you studied!" or, "Gee, I bet that was a lousy feeling." If she says, "I hate math!" do you launch into a lecture on why it's so important, or do you say, "Tell me what you don't like."

"This is about building trust," says Faber. If an honest answer leads to criticism, even a 6-year-old can learn to be quiet. But if you suspend judgment, acknowledge his feelings, and stay with him in the moment, he may go exactly where you want him to: "I guess I need to study better next test." "Maybe I'll give the math teacher another try."

That won't happen all the time, but whenever you enable a student to be self-reflective, that's a win-win. Of course, don't expect him to tell you so. And if you're tempted to ask? Bite your tongue.

Contact Barbara Meltz at meltz@globe.com