College applications add to holiday stress

So what if it's nine days till Christmas and your shopping's not done? Here's the real question: How many days until the college applications are due?

For many seniors who did not submit early applications, looming deadlines threaten to eclipse the season's joy for parents and students alike. Heck, it threatens to ruin the whole darn vacation.

It doesn't have to be that way, but it's parents, not students, who hold the key.

A few days before Thanksgiving, Paul Bruchez, a Wellesley dad, ranked himself 8 on a 1-to-10 scale of anxiety, 10 being over-the-top anxious. "My anxiety isn't that Daniel won't get it done," he said. "It's that he won't leave himself enough time to do a good job."

Daniel remained blissfully unengaged, calling himself a "spur-of-the-moment person" who leaves assignments to the 25th hour. "The more anxious my father is," he says, "the more I procrastinate. But if he backed off entirely, I'd never get on the ball."

If ever there was a no-win situation for parents, this could be it. Seniors need to feel supported in the application process but not pressured. Validated, not berated. "You don't want to act on the impulse that would have you say, 'You gotta get on this! Now!' " says St. Paul psychologist David Walsh. He is author of "Why Do They Act That Way? A Survival Guide to the Adolescent Brain for You and Your Teen" (Free Press).

Thinking of grounding your teen over Christmas break until applications are done? Forget it.

"That's only treating your own sense of helplessness," says Arlington psychologist Michael Thompson. His newest book, "The Pressured Child, Helping Your Child Find Success in School and Life" (Ballantine), devotes a chapter to the application process.

In fairness to the procrastinators, leaving it to the last minute is not the crisis it once was. Milton college consultant Bob Gilpin says, "You can push 'send' the day it's due, with no penalty." He also wants parents to know that schools really do prefer the common application, even though some parents often insist on the "personal touch."

Procrastination comes in many flavors: a teen is busy with a fall sport, starring in a drama production, recovering from a broken romance. Scratch the surface a bit, however, and you'll find those are excuses, not reasons.

"A teen who is putting this off is scared, but very few have that level of awareness, and if they do, they don't have the courage to say so," says Walsh.

It's never appropriate for parents to write or rewrite an essay, or "help out" by answering some of the easier questions. When we do, Thompson says, we send a mixed message: "Your adulthood is so important and it has to be done just right, [so] I have to coddle you through the first steps of it." For the teen who is ambivalent, we unwittingly affirm his worst fears: Mom and Dad don't think I can make it on my own. Thompson, by the way, is one of those parents who got a terse message from his daughter's college counselor: "You're over-involved. Butt out." ("I did, too," he says.)

We do have a role, however, and this is it: Many teens freeze up under amorphous anxiety. We can affect a thaw by validating their feelings: "If I were in your shoes, this would be pretty scary to me." Will that open the floodgates? Maybe not. But it sends a strong message that you are an ally, not an adversary, and that this is something you can talk about.

Here are fears that may surface:

She doesn't want to disappoint you. Whether she doesn't want to attend the school you favor or college at all, it's hard for a teen to say, "I have something else in mind." Walsh tells parents to take a deep breath. What's the worst that can happen? A bad decision? He can transfer. Take a year off? "Who knows?" says Gilpin. "He may be a more desirable candidate."

He can't make a decision. Filling in an application is a commitment: "I've decided this one and not that one." Thom Hughart, director of counseling at Wellesley High, tells students not to rank schools. If there's a pile of 20 to consider, Walsh suggests narrowing it to three piles: I really want to apply; I'm not sure; I'm even less sure. Then start on the "really want" pile. Although the typical senior applies to 6 to 10 schools, Walsh's middle son applied to only one, "and that was at the 11th hour. It was all he could deal with," he says.

She's ambivalent about leaving home. No matter how often she tells you, "I can't wait to be gone from here!" (and she absolutely means it when she says it), the application is a dose of reality that fuels fear: "Can I really do this? Will I be OK?" The more parents can acknowledge how normal these feelings are and leave room for options, the better.

He feels inadequate. He may feel overwhelmed by the applications, or inadequate compared with classmates. "I've known kids who lie about where they are applying so they can keep up with their peer group," says Walsh. And in immigrant families where the teen is the first to go to college, Hughart says, "They may be too bashful to ask for help."

When parents hear their child's anxiety, their own typically increases. In the spirit of helpfulness, we end up talking too much and taking over: "OK, here's what we're going to do."

Uh uh. "Just listen," says Walsh. "Say things like, 'Yeah, that makes sense'; 'I hadn't thought about that'; 'These are big questions, aren't they?' " That will help her relax a bit, and then she will be more open to your suggestions.

And what suggestions are you allowed to make? Only one, and it's exactly what Paul Bruchez did with Daniel. Over Thanksgiving break, he suggested they make a timeline of deadlines. The first one was for Daniel to simply look over the applications. That was huge. "I realized it wasn't as big a deal as I thought, and much better than having it lurking in front of you, where you don't know if it will take you 10 minutes or 10 hours," Daniel says.

After that, you can offer organizational assistance: photocopying, typing, reading over an essay. "But only if you're asked," says Thompson. Walsh suggests building check-in points into the timeline as a way to keep you from being intrusive: "You said three applications would be done by Christmas Eve. It's the 24th. How are you doing?" If he hasn't started, ask, "Is there something I can do to help you get the plan back on track?"

And if he misses a deadline? "There are 3,000 colleges and universities in the US," says Thompson. "It's delusional to think there is [only] one right school."

For some teens, especially those with a history of depression, the combination of deadlines and the holidays can be more than they can handle, says psychologist Pam Cantor of South Natick, who lectures nationally on how to prevent self-destructive adolescent behaviors. In the wake of three suicides last month by teens in western suburbs, she says, parents are not overreacting to be more alert to signs of depression: extreme irritability; inability to sleep or sleeping all the time; moody blues; or loss of interest in what normally interests her.

Back with the Bruchezes, things are much calmer. Daniel is downright euphoric: "Common [applications] make it much easier. So does the computer. I'm definitely going to have this finished before Christmas break."

Alas, Paul's anxiety is only down to 6. "They're not done yet," he says.

Contact Barbara Meltz at meltz@globe.com.