How to bring out their best

Isn't it ironic that the holiday season, so clearly meant to charm and delight children, is also the time of year most likely to discombobulate them? Overstimulated and overwhelmed, not to mention overtired or perhaps oversugared, why wouldn't they lose their manners?

What makes matters worse is that, as parents, we're not always on our best behavior either.

From how graciously we accept a gift we don't like to how stressed we are in front of relatives who judge our parenting, what we model to our children is the biggest influence on their behavior, says Seattle child psychologist Sal Severe, author of "How to Behave So Your Children Will, Too" (Viking).

That goes not only for how we act around others, but also for how we respond to them. On an ordinary day, we might breezily dismiss the 4-year-old who doesn't want to kiss elderly Uncle Joe. On Christmas, we propel her toward him with a firm shove. Another time, a barely audible "thank you" might pass muster, but now we insist on a loud, sincere one. Rather than move Aunt Mary's candy dish out of reach or issue a whispered reminder that he's had enough, we look the other way when the 8-year-old grabs yet another handful.

Our out-of-character behavior is confusing. "Why isn't Mom paying attention?" "What happened to the Dad I know?" Rather than serve as a red light to misbehaving, it's a go-ahead to act out even more because the one thing they can usually count on -- Mom or Dad's consistency and limit-setting -- is in question.

"If they are uncertain about you, they test limits even further," says parent educator Gail DeRiggi of Families First Parenting Programs of Cambridge. "They're wondering, 'What will make mom pay attention? How do I get my regular dad back?' "

Preparing children for potential trouble spots, along with setting realistic expectations, is what will help get you through the week. "Don't be parenting for what other people will think of you, or for your ideal of what a parent should be. Parent for the child you have and the parent you are," says Toronto pediatrician Cathryn Tobin, author of "The Parent's Problem Solver" (Three Rivers Press).

She empathizes most with parents whose children have temperaments or spirits that put their range of behavior outside the extended family's experience. "Avoid knee-jerk reactions," she advises. "If you're comparing yourself to your sister-in-law and you're thinking, 'I'm not strict enough, my standards are too low,' this is cause for reflection, not action."

"What were the problems last year?" asks Tobin. Some will disappear because your children are at a new stage of development. New ones may surface. Either way:

Be creative. Rather than focus on what you don't want ("No running around the table during dinner. Don't be impatient when it's someone else's turn to open a present."), provide acceptable alternatives: "Christmas dinner can take a long time. If you and your sister get bored, you could excuse yourselves, go outside, and run around the house two times!"

Be specific. It's never enough to say, "I expect you to use your best manners." Offer scenarios: "What can you say if you're disappointed with a present?" "What can you say if you already have one?"

Brainstorm. "I know you don't like to kiss relatives you don't know. Can you smile, or shake hands instead?" "I remember you didn't get along with your cousins last year. Any ideas how to make it better this time?"

Let her know you will be supportive. "Is it easier for you to say thank you if I hold your hand?"

As someone who places a high value on manners for people of all ages, Diane Cuneo, author of a delightful children's book about manners, "Mary Louise Loses Her Manners" (Doubleday), says the key is to help children understand the reason behind polite behavior, not just to give them do's and don'ts.

"If you coach them to express glee over a present whether they feel it or not, it feels like a lie to them, and aren't we always teaching them not to lie?" Her advice is to explain that saying thank you is also for the effort and thought that went into the present, and that we want to make other people feel good about their efforts.

"Any child can be genuine about saying, 'I love the act of getting a gift and knowing someone thought about me,' " Cuneo says. Tobin adds that even a child who receives something he already has can offer a sincere, "Two is better than one," if he understands about finesse and about giving a gift to the giver by making the person feel appreciated.

Teenagers can be cynical, sullen, and rude, especially this year, when they may be disappointed in an adult world that preaches peace and joy but wages war and materialism, says psychologist Alex Packer. He is author of the "How Rude!" series of etiquette books, including one for teens.

He would appeal to an adolescent's interest in revolt: "There's so much rude behavior in the world right now. Let's our family try not to descend to that level of competitiveness and selfishness. What can we do that would be revolutionary, that would place a value on kindness and civility?"

The more you give teens and preteens a say in activities ("You're invited to all these open houses, but you can choose which ones you go to."), the less sullen they are likely to be. If there are events that require their presence, acknowledge it from their point of view: "I know this will be boring, but it's my boss's party. I really appreciate if you can be cheerful and friendly, and I promise we'll only stay 30 minutes."

For the inevitable time when a child is downright bratty or rude, there are a few rules of thumb:

Say something on behalf of a child under 7: "I apologize, he seems to have lost his manners. When we find them, he'll come back." Help him to regroup and return to the person later. Prompting is OK: "John wants to say thank you."

Let it go, especially with teens. Drawing more attention to her only adds fuel to the fire, says Packer.

Make a plan. "If you're seeing a pattern of entitled behavior that you don't like, consider it a wake-up call," says Severe, "but address it in the 364 other days of the year."

Use humor. Ask in mock horror, "Where are your manners?" Look in her mouth, or behind her ears. If she doesn't respond, save a child embarrassment by saying, "I think I saw them behind the refrigerator, let's go look." Then take her where you can talk quietly. The idea isn't to shame or humiliate but to empathize: "It's hard when so many people want to meet you, isn't it?"

Indeed, humor is almost always appropriate, as long as it's not at your child's expense. Cuneo relates a story that is now legend in her family, from her son's ninth Christmas.

"He opened a present from his grandfather. It was a Jimmy Carter peanut bank. The kid sat there with his jaw open, looking at it, trying his best to find something nice to say. He was speechless. I could tell he was getting panicky. By then, he knew Grandpa's feelings would be hurt."

Cuneo quickly piped up, asking incredulously. "Dad? Dad?" Everyone started to laugh.

The boy was rescued. So was the grandfather.

Contact Barbara F. Meltz at meltz@globe.com.