In families where presents are opened by turn, help children sustain patience by giving them something to do: sketch people's reactions; take a video; be the official unwrapper for older family members.

If an adult scolds your child, go for a simple, ''Gee, what's going on? I'll take care of it.'' Later, you might say to the adult, ''Next time, please find me.''

Disrupt children's schedules as little as possible. Find a place for a nap, or provide snacks if she can't wait for the meal. Suggest to the host before you arrive what childproofing might be helpful.

Don't let good behavior go unnoticed. Not just, ''You had such great manners today!'' but: ''You did a great job of making your aunt feel good about her choice, even though I know you hate that color.''

Rather than scold afterward, ask, ''What can we do next year so you'll more easily remember your manners?''

When you're visiting:

Bring activities they enjoy, including ones that could be ice-breakers with cousins they haven't seen in a long time.

Be sure they know, ''If you need me at any time, you can come get me, even if I'm talking to adults.''

If they act up, rather than give them a time-out, give them a time-in with you. Find something constructive you can do together, so it doesn't feel punitive: ''Sally asked me to put out these cookies. Can you help?''

When you're hosting:

State clearly what your expectations are for their behavior.

Put aside toys or games they don't want guests to play with.

Strategize with them about what to do if other children's behaviors become wild.