If she talks about suicide, consider her age
From time to time, Child Caring answers selected readers' questions in print. Send yours to meltz@globe.com or to Child Caring, The Boston Globe, P.O. Box 55819, Boston, MA 02205-5819. Also, Barbara Meltz leads a parenting chat at Boston.com the second Wednesday of each month at noon.
Q. My 6-year-old niece just returned from a weekend with her father and his girlfriend. She announced to her mother that she never wants to see him again and that if she, her mother, makes her, she'll kill herself. We're guessing she's jealous of the girlfriend, but this is pretty strong language for a 6-year-old. How seriously should my sister be taking this?
A. Children this age don't have an understanding of the permanency of death, so a statement about killing herself (probably picked up from videos or TV) is typically more emotion-laden for the adults who hear it than for the child. ''Suicide attempts and actual completed suicide are extremely rare in children" under 11, says psychologist Anthony Spirito, a professor at Brown University Medical School and a specialist in risky adolescent behavior, especially among young teens.
That doesn't mean you shouldn't pay attention, however.
''Parents should attend to the distress engendered by the situation rather than the content of the statement," he says.
Here's what he might say to her: ''I would miss you and all the fun things we do together if you were to kill yourself. Let's figure out a way to help you feel better about this problem."
By the way, the standard advice for parents who are divorced or separated is that when you spend time with your children, it's just you and the kids. Relationships come and go. It upsets and confuses children to be exposed to that revolving door.
Q. My daughter, 9 1/2, told me she is worried about her best friend, who wants to lose 4 pounds to be 60 pounds. My daughter tells me her friend is only having 15 bites of lunch, 30 bites of dinner. I would like to mention my concerns to the girl's parents but my daughter begged me not to because then her friend will know she betrayed her trust. I told my daughter that if her friend's health is threatened, I need to say something. Am I right?
A. Yes. You are not overreacting. Disordered eating, which is the precursor to eating disorders, can start as young as 5. The younger it starts, the more ingrained the habits can become, and the greater the risk to a child's health, from heart damage to impaired growth and development.
These are among the messages you can give your daughter, along with reinforcing your admiration for her as a caring person who knew enough to share her worries with you, says child psychiatrist David Herzog, director of the Child Psychiatry Eating Disorders Program at Massachusetts General Hospital.
But now you have to communicate the information to the parents. Herzog says, ''When information like this surfaces, there's a tendency for parents to be defensive ('You can't be right, we would have noticed'). Share your concern in a way that isn't threatening: 'I've noticed ... I wonder ..."' He also offers this advice for the parents of the friend: If you come across to your daughter as frightened and panicked, judgmental or disappointed, you can unwittingly shut down communication rather than open it. Be calm and matter-of-fact: ''I've noticed you just pick at your food, and you used to enjoy eating." Before you talk to your daughter, he recommends consulting with your pediatrician.
Q. I am struggling with a 4 year-old who, up to about 6 months ago, was a dream child (great eater, easy sleeper, gregarious, friendly, easygoing, and verbal). Now I am at my wit's end. He has become extremely physical, resorting to hitting, kicking, punching. One of his best friend's parents will no longer allow her son to play with him. I am terrified that I am raising a bully and that he will be one of those kids who gets kicked out of preschool! I even dread going home at night because of what I may learn about his day.
A. Whenever there's a marked change in a child's behavior, it almost always can be linked to a change in his world: a new baby; a parent's job loss, new job, illness, separation, or divorce; a family death; a change in caregivers. The change itself, whatever it is, can cause anxiety or uncertainty. Here's what can make matters even worse:
''Parents frequently feel guilty or responsible for the change and unknowingly cut their children too much slack," says parent educator Linda Braun, former executive director of Families First Parenting Programs and now in private practice in Arlington. You may think you're giving your child a break (''Oh sure, you can have one cookie before dinner."), but to him, the inconsistency is confusing. (''If the rule doesn't count today, why not? What about tomorrow?) To break a negative pattern of behavior, she recommends a four-step approach:
Share your expectation clearly: ''I want you to know, it's not OK to throw food on the floor."
Set out the consequences: ''If you forget and throw food on the floor, I will take your plate away and there will be no more food until the next meal, even if that isn't until breakfast, or even if you say, 'I'm sorry, I won't do it again.'If you whine and hit when I remind you of that, I will leave the room."
Help him save face: ''I think I haven't been clear to you about this before." Braun notes, ''Four-year-olds, especially, don't like to have their noses rubbed in their mistakes."
Stay calm when he tries to get you to change your mind. This is the hardest part. ''He really won't starve, even if the next meal isn't until breakfast," she says.
Meanwhile, try to figure out what underlying change might be causing the behavior and try to address it. For instance, with a new baby, Braun might say, ''I know it's hard when there's a baby. I can't always help you as quickly as you expect, and that must be frustrating. But I believe you can develop patience, and we can try to have some special time together."
Readers write inGreat article on the new Harry Potter book (''Young Potter readers need to talk, grieve," July 21). I am a 43-year-old married man with two kids, 15 and 9. My son got me started in the Potter world after the first book. I have read every one since, and seen all the movies. I have to say after I read the newest one (in two days), I was distraught. I thought, how can a fictional character dying make me feel this way? I can only imagine how much it will affect children. When my daughter finishes it, we will have to talk about it. It may be rough going, but I would not change a bit of it.
FRANK LEONARDOUnion Beach N.J.A good sense of humor (''Laughing now may help your children to be funny later," Aug. 4) can help get anyone through a lot of challenges and hard times. When my own children, now 23 and 25, were little, I kept a book in which I jotted down quotes, anecdotes, and milestones in their lives, including their humorous moments (intended or un!). All of us now enjoy a good laugh now and then, rereading those stories.
ANNE HAMLIN, Medford
While the school psychologist can play an important role as children transition from elementary to middle school (''It's not too early for new-school anxieties," July 28), the school counselors tend to be the front line. For students or parents who are having problems now that school has started, the school counselor would be an excellent place to start.
FRAN MEFFEN CounselorDover Middle School,Dover, N.H. Meffen is president of the New Hampshire School Counselor Association. 
