His sons, new wife don't get along
From time to time, Child Caring answers selected readers' questions in print. Send yours to meltz@globe.com. Also, join Barbara Meltz for her monthly on-line parenting chat Wednesday at noon at boston.com.
Q. I have been remarried for a year. Three of my sons from a previous marriage, 17, 15, and 12, live with us. None of them like [my wife] (and told me so from the start), but there have been three incidents involving the oldest. About a month after she moved in, she yelled at him, swearing and threatening that her family would ''get him." She later apologized. Months later, she kicked him and his girlfriend out of ''her" house, punched him, and called his girlfriend a slut. (I like the girl, she's lovely, a straight-A student, and a good influence on my son, who, by the way, is also an honor student and varsity athlete.) In the third incident, for no reason I'm aware of, she told him (angrily) to get used to [her], that she wasn't leaving. He was so upset, he was shaking. Ever since, he stays in his room. She says he is trying to break up the marriage. I don't want to pick sides, and I don't want to lose her.
A. ''This is way out of bounds," says clinical psychologist Samuel Migdole, director of the North Shore Counseling Center in Beverly and Topsfield (nsccpsych.com). He's not talking about your son.
As sympathetic as he is to the plight of any stepparent (''It's hard to join a household with three teenagers and not feel threatened by existing relationships"), he also says, ''It sounds like your wife has a serious problem with anger management." He adds, ''It's only a matter of time before someone is going to get hurt." You don't mention how the younger boys are doing, but they're bound to be affected, likely feeling emotionally, if not physically, unsafe."
You don't have to pick sides, at least not now, but you do need to weigh in: ''This has got to stop. We're a family, we need help, and everyone has to be a part of it." He advises group counseling for all of you as well as individual counseling for your wife to deal with her anger. If she's unwilling, then you may, indeed, have to make some serious choices.
Q. My son, who always has had a hard time with transitions, just started second grade. In previous years, it's taken him until January to feel adjusted. I was hoping this year would be the exception. He was very social over the summer, even had his first sleepover at a friend's. But since school started, he has been to the nurse's office several times each day, stands by himself at recess, and often cries at home. I want so much to help him.
A. Some children are temperamentally slow to warm up. They need gentle coaching to help them develop coping skills. Perhaps what's most important, however, is for you to learn to contain your own frustration (dare we say desperation?) at wanting him to get over this because the message he's likely to take from it is, ''Mom doesn't think I can do this."
Early childhood educator Beth Graue of the University of Wisconsin at Madison says, ''When he comes home from school, do you ask, 'Did you stand by yourself on the playground again?' or 'What was the funniest thing that happened on the playground? What was the yuckiest?' The first question is likely to shut him down, the second likely to get him to talk," she says. She would also say, ''You know, you're a person who takes a while to warm up to new situations. Do you have any ideas about how I can help you with that?" Role-playing sometimes works, so do individual playdates. Also remind him of how he coped in the past: ''How did you feel in the beginning last year? Do you remember how things changed for you?"
The teacher, of course, can be part of the problem or the solution. ''By second grade, a lot of teachers don't have patience for kids who cry," says Graue. Is the teacher supportive or does she humiliate him? Does she pair him up with a buddy? Occasionally put him in a leadership position? Request a conference; she may not even realize what's happening on the playground. If she's less than helpful, find some other adult in the school who can be his ally: the school nurse, psychologist, or principal. You may want to consult with the school psychologist anyway, especially if his discomfort doesn't begin to diminish.
Q. I have twin daughters, 2 1/2. They are nice, sweet kids but they've become more and more troublesome when I am around. When my mom or au pair are watching the girls, they say they are almost perfectly behaved and never cry or complain. The moment I walk in the door, the crying and complaining starts. The difference in their behavior when I am there and when I'm not is growing more pronounced and getting quite frustrating. I do still nurse them (only once a day in the morning) and my husband and I have been wondering if the nursing is exacerbating the issue, although they seem to want it.
A. This likely boils down to their perception of how much attention each gets from you, even though you may think you dole it out equally, says twins researcher Nancy L. Segal, author of ''Indivisible by Two, Lives of Extraordinary Twins" (Harvard). She suggests:
Spend time alone with each one once a day if you can manage, but at least twice a week. Label it as ''Sally's Time with mom" and ''Mona's time with mom." Whether you go out of the house for an activity (a walk in the neighborhood is fine) or stay home playing a game, make it clear that nothing can encroach on this time together. ''When they see that they don't have to share you and won't be interrupted, the negative behavior should change over time," she predicts.
As soon as you reappear on the scene, suggest an activity the three of you can do together (a puzzle, a game), to focus their attention immediately on the task: ''Guess what? We're going to bake cookies. You each get to grease one pan."
As for the nursing, Segal speculates that if one watches the other, it could exacerbate jealousy. Try doing it separately.
Q. Thinking ahead, what advice do you have on teacher gifts? Personally, I have had such strange reactions (mostly no acknowledgement of any kind) to gifts I have given in the past. I wish I knew what teachers really wanted. I was behind a teacher who was trying to cash in $250 worth of gift certificates at Dunkin Donuts (she drank tea), so I feel like gifts like this are not always the best idea, either.
A. It's a quandary; I'm not at all sure that teacher gifts are expected or necessary, but my recommendation is to make a donation to a favorite charity in the teacher's name (does your community have an educational foundation?); to donate a book to the classroom or school library in honor of the teacher, or a toy, game, or book to the after-school program; or to give a homemade gift from your child.
Teachers, what are your thoughts? Send them to meltz@ globe.com and we'll feature them in an upcoming Q & A.
Readers write in
I couldn't agree more with your article on families eating together [''A surprising anti-drug: dining as a family," Sept. 22]. When I was house hunting years ago it was important to me that we had an eat-in kitchen. I have always worked outside of the home; last night was just BLTs because we all got home after 5. Tonight it will be a full-blown pasta dinner. My children (daughters 15 and 11) let their guard down at the dinner table; I don't think they could get through their days without their dinnertime purge of the day's events.
It often provides an informal gateway into some of the heavier subjects that need to be discussed -- but when discussed over a meal, the heaviness is often diminished. Nothing is off-limits and both of my kids tend to revolve their social calendar around whatever time we plan to eat dinner.
Maria O'Halloran,Wakefield
I am disappointed with today's column (''If she talks about suicide, consider her age," Sept. 15). I am dismayed by your lack of awareness of childhood trauma, specifically sexual abuse. Both letters in today's column, the 6-year-old threatening suicide if she has to visit her father and a 4-year-old with a sudden change in personality, are examples of symptoms of sexual trauma.
Does this mean that sexual abuse is the underlying problem? Not necessarily. But by ignoring the possibility of trauma you have let down your readers and countless children.
Patricia Hunt, LICSW Watertown 
