Address kids' fears of school safety

Kira Kay of Marblehead fought back her fears and took her daughter to preschool yesterday. Then she kept an eye on the clock until it was time to pick her up.

``I could imagine it all," she said softly. ``Little girls being lined up. There's even a blackboard in her room. Not that it ever would happen," she adds in a rush. ``I know how remote the chances are."

In the aftermath of deadly shootings in less than a week at schools in Pennsylvania, Colorado, and Wisconsin, what parent doesn't have heightened anxieties about children's safety? How we handle those fears is critical. Psychologists say our reactions can frighten children more than the event itself. And, they add, there's no instinct more important to fight than the one to keep your children home, unless there are specific threats.

Kay says, ``I wish I could be with her all the time, to keep her safe. I do have those thoughts. This is an irrational fear, and I'm working hard to have a rational response to it. That's why I took her to school."

That may be the struggle for parents today. In the days and weeks to come, as information has a chance to percolate and circulate among children , it may be the children who don't want to go to school, not their parents who don't want to send them.

Parents are most likely to see this among fifth- to seventh-graders, predicts Boston College psychologist John Dacey . Younger children typically are too literal to think, ``This could happen to me/my school," unless parents or other adults fuel fears. Teens need to be watched to make sure they don't romanticize or relate to the perpetrators, but they are most able to recognize that these acts belong to unbalanced people, says child and adolescent psychologist Jonathan Sandoval.

Middle-school students, however, are at a stage of development where the imagination runs rampant, but they lack coping skills to put information into perspective. ``They catastrophize," says Dacey, who is co author of a new book, ``The Safe Child Handbook: How to Protect Your Family and Cope With Anxiety in a Threat-Filled World."

Don't expect to see this happen overnight. It can take a week or two for fears to incubate. ``By then, parents may not even think to connect it to the shootings," says Sandoval, a professor at University of the Pacific in Stockton, Calif., and author of several books for clinicians on crisis intervention in schools.

With a child of any age who says she doesn't want to go to school, he recommends responding, ``Really? Why not?" Whatever surfaces -- from unhappiness with a teacher to vague feelings of being scared -- listen respectfully. ``Parents typically jump in and try to allay a fear too soon," says Dacey. ``Don't argue them out of it. The goal is to get the feelings out, not to correct them."

Once a student generates every possible reason, examine them one by one: ``What can we do about this?"

Often, just being able to speak a fear aloud enables a middle- or high-school student to move on. ``If sympathetic listening doesn't work, and he still wants to stay home, you need professional help," says Sandoval. ``Not wanting to go to school for any reason can escalate into a serious mental health issue."

Isn't that a bit melodramatic?

Barbara Miller , president of the Massachusetts School Psychologists Association and a psychologist at Concord Middle School, is equally firm. ``We take school refusal very seriously," she says, urging parents not to wait to get help, and not to try to evaluate on their own whether a child is simply looking for way out of a test. The child most likely to insist that it isn't safe to go to school may already have fears that parents don't know about that the shootings exacerbate.

Dacey cautions against waiting for a child's imagination to fester. He suggests raising the issue of school safety with 5- to 8-year-olds by asking: ``Have you heard people talking about school safety?" With older elementary- and middle-school children, Miller suggests adding: ``I think your school is really safe. Do you feel safe there?"

PARENTING ADVICE For tips on dealing with children at different stages of development, go to boston.com/living.

If your child says something that worries you, remain calm: ``Gee, that's something we ought to look into."

The best role model a parent can provide, Sandoval says, is to evaluate the information, take action, and turn a negative situation into a positive: `` You know, I think your school is really safe, but I'm going to make a few calls, just to be sure. I'll let you know what I find out."

Then do just that. Call the superintendent's office, the school principal , or a guidance counselor, and report back to your child.

Contact Barbara Meltz at meltz@globe.com.