Parenting chat with Barbara Meltz

Barbara_Meltz: Welcome to the parenting chat -- Now open for business

Barbara_Meltz: This chat was advertised as dealing with childhood obesity -- but don't feel constrained by that if you want to ask about something else.

Barbara_Meltz: On the other hand, childhood obesity is a huge (oops, no pun intended) problem, with 1/3 of all children aged 2- to 19 at risk for being overweight, which puts them at health risks previously not associated with childhood.

Barbara_Meltz: What's more, 8 of 10 overweight teens will end up as obese adults.

Barbara_Meltz: How's that for a cheery start to the chat?!

bzb: What is the best way to control anger, espicially when talking to a boy less than 10 years old? It could be for any silly thing that he has done in house.

Barbara_Meltz: BZB -- I presume you're talking about your anger, not your child's. So: pick your battles; if you're fighting with him over everything, then nothing will get through. Talk softly instead of loudly. Count to 10 before you say anything. Those are a few strategies. However, if you find yourself angry at "any silly thing," that tells me that there is more needed here than parenting strategies. Sounds like something is going on for you, or in your relationship, that requires some deeper probing.

MP: Hi Barbara, Love your chat. I was wondering if you know of any resources for mothers looking for parttime work? I am working three days a week right now in Boston and it is just too much but I hate to leave the work force entirely.

Barbara_Meltz: MP -- Sorry, this is a out of my realm of expertise. If you find any, let me know!

MP: My daughter is 3 and a half. She is a good eater and likes a wide variety of foods I consider healthy (steak, avocado, applease, oatmeal, etc.). But I find the only way to get her to actually take two seconds to eat is for me to really feed her. We had our second a few months ago and she wants more attention and has regressed some in her eating, sleeping,etc. Do you think us feeding her could lead to her eating too much and an eating issue?

Barbara_Meltz: MP, I don't. You may be over-worrying. I woudl, of course, make every effort to offer her finger food that she can feed herself. Having had a visitor recently who was this age and is a VERY picky eater, I saw how crazy it makes his mom. Over a three day period, I did begin to wonder if he lives on aid. But kids do have a way of getting what they need, over the period of a week. As long as your child is thriving and healthy, and you are putting healthy, well-rounded food in front of her, I wouldn't be worried. Vary the feeding -- sometimes feed her, other times let her pick. And make sure you give her plenty of what she's asking for in terms of one-one attention. This is normal behavior with a new sib, and if you resent or chide her for it, you'll only increase her need.

Barbara_Meltz: Sorry -- I just hit the wrong button, but the question was about a 19-month old always saying "Mine," even to things that are not hers. The mom was asking for an apporpriate response.

Barbara_Meltz: At this stage, she's still trying to understand boundaries -- not just what belongs to whom, but where she ends and you begin. Literally. My suggestion is to pretend there's a question mark at the end of her statement, as if she's asking, "Mine?" Then your response can be, this belongs to mommy, but you can play with it." Don't do this all the time, though; it can get really annoying. There are times when you can just say, "Oh, you want to play with this?" and ignore the ownership issue altogether. This is a stage of cognition; she's too young to understand about sharing, so don't even go there yet.

Wolfersheim: My girlfriend tutors for a teenager, who is the youngest of three. According to her, the mom shows little interest in the son's life and when she gets exasperated with him she often says things like "I'm done being a mom!" The family is loaded, so he'll be OK financially, but we worry about how this affects his upbringing. Your thoughts?

Barbara_Meltz: Wolfersheim, What a shame! I can imagine an exasperated parent saying something like that in jest, or once in a while, but the fact that he's mentioned it to his tutor problably means it does, indeed, bother him. The good news is he has someone to tell it to -- your girlfriend. There are a few ways to deal with this; one is for her to simply continue to be someone he can talk to & to listen sympathetically. I would tell her to avoid saying things like, "I'm sure she doesn't mean that," and say instead, "Gosh, how does that make you feel?" Alternately, depending on the relationshp she has with the mom, and depending on this teen's life (are there signs of other problems, like depression), she might want to gently tell the mom what he told her. As a society, we are so careful not to overstep our boundaries, and to value people's privacy, but if this kid is sad and upset by this, I'd find a way to share it with the mom, assuming he hasn't said these things in confidentiality. (In which case, there are still ways around it, if she thinks the poor is in trouble.)

Barbara_Meltz: Having a little difficulty on my end with the controls. If you submitted a question I have not answered, can you resubmit? Thanks!

Barbara_Meltz: Also, I'm wondering if folks have any thoughts about having this chat on Wed instead of Monday, which is when I usually chat....

Barbara_Meltz: I apologize if you're sending me questions and wondering why I'm not answering. There were a bunch of questions, they disappeared and now the queue is empty. Eitiher you chatters have nothing to say -- or the system is off.

Becky_2: Hi Barbara,

Barbara_Meltz: Becky! Are you there? Write more -- that's all I received.

Becky_2: My question...if a child is picked on for his or her wieght or for any reason really, what advice should a parent give that child?

Barbara_Meltz: Becky_2, The advice is the same as if he was being teased for any reason: First and foremost, be a sympathetic listener, saying things like, "That must be hard to hear," and, "How does it make you feel?" Rather than solve the problem for him, I'd try to help him come to some solutions hismelf: "What do you think would be a good answer? What would you like to say?" And then I'd tell him, "I think you're a terrific person, period. I love you no matter how much you weigh. You're funny, you're smart..." etc, reminiding him of his good qualities. However, if he sesems unhappy about his body, then you can also tell him, "I love you no matter what you weigh, but if you feel the need to make some changes, I will always support you." Also, if the teasing is serious, borderline bullying, etc., then it is important that the teacher know about it.

mel: My niece is 5 years old and weighs 86 lbs.(She has gained 6 lbs since the end of September!) My sister insists that my niece is eating healthy - no soda, no chips, etc. but I opened a hornets nest when I suggested the girls is eating too much - she will eat 2 apples at one time, or have 2 bananas or have a bowl fo cereal along with toast and banana. My niece looks fat and kids are starting to notice. She does little exercise. And my sister is constantly asking if she is hungry or "do you want...". Your thoughts on eating too much - even if it is "healthy"?

Barbara_Meltz: me! Sure, there can be too much of a good thing, even of healthy food. Sounds like this mom is equating eating with happiness. What are the habits in this family? What are the genetics? Do the adults exercise? Weight gain is such a combination of environment and genetics. But: how do you know the kids are starting to notice? On the one hand, you don't want to make a 5-y-old self-conscious. On the other hand, bad food habits can and do start young. Rather than simply criticize your sister, my suggestion is to try to engage her proactively. Or volunteer to turn your neice on to some kind of exercise that you can do with her, like biking, or skating, or hiking.

Barbara_Meltz: (Looks like the system is back working -- lots of questions -- sorry for the delay, I'll get to as many as I can.)

2much: Love your chats and your columns. I've asked you a question about babysitting before. Do you think its confusing when a bunch of adult family members are around a 3 or 4 year old child in terms of discipline? I don't want the child to feel ganged up on but don't want to disregard something if the child acts out or whatever and possibly nobody else saw it. Also, what's your opinion on discipline in general for that age group? Very much appreciate any insight.

Barbara_Meltz: 2much, First, if you don't already have my "mini magic" column on discipline strategies for this age group, email me after the chat. Secondly, parents are the people to impose discipline on a child. Period. I would not find it suprrising to have a bunch of relatives notice a misbeavior and comment on it (hopefully in constructive and loving way), but I would neither expect nor encourage other familt members to actually do the disciplining unless the child is in their care, and then you want it to be consistent with what you would do.

serafina: Hi Barbara -- I'm looking for your recommendations for pregnancy and baby books, my sis-in-law is 4 months along with the first grandkid! Aside from 'What To Expect' and 'Touchpoints,' what else do you like? Thanks!

Barbara_Meltz: Serafina, my personal all-time favorite is an old book, written by Penelope Leach and I can't remember the title! (It was a slim volume for moms to be.) Another one I love for pregnant women is, "Iwish someone had told me" by Nina Barrett. For baby books, I'm a fan of Harvey Karp's books (Happiest Baby & Happiest Toddler) and of a book by an Australian author, Robin Barker, called "Baby Love."

2much: How about healthy eating for early teens? You can only control so much as when they are at school or with friends it could be a free for all. Does lead by example really work?

Barbara_Meltz: 2much, No lead by example isn't enough at that age. Ideally, healthy eating is something that's part of the family's conversation, along with family exerices. It's the total picture that makes a difference. I'm a big fan of moderation. I always have a combination of healthy food in the house and some food he considers on the junky side -- cookies, frozen pizza, ice cream. But at that age, parents can be enablers, too: he's only going to eat a big Mac if you take him there, right? Family mealtime is critical for healthy eating habits, too.

LoriLou: What do I do about my 2.5 yo daughter who looks right at her father and says "I don't like Daddy."?? She couldn't tell me why she said that, and there was no event that precipitated it, she had just woken up and said it when she saw him! He was heartbroken, of course.

Barbara_Meltz: LoriLou, oh my, I can imagine. At this age, it's got nothing to do with love and everything to do with language and learning the power of language. I wouldn't worry that it reflects some deep feelings, or that it means something awful happened between them (unless, of course, you had reason to think that). Email me for a column on what to do when kids show parental preferences. It's very normal, by the way!!

MP: I have tons of questions! Especialy regarding a new sib and my daughter who is 3-1/2. She would have her pacifiyer a tbed and in the car before her brother arrived and now she wants it a lot more. I try to keep the rules the same but she wants me to cuddle with her in her room and with her pacifyer often. I try to say no that she is free to do this but without me. She gets very upset with this. Is that cruel?

Barbara_Meltz: MP, There's a lot of regressing with a new sib. The single beset thing you can do is designate Mom time alone with her each day, even if it's only 5 minutes. Label it as Mom Time, and make it clear that nothing can get in the way of your time together, not even tyhe baby or the phone (arrange so you don't have to answer either). Let her choose what she wants to do with you during that time (keep it simple): read a book, cuddle, play a game, throw a ball, walk the dog. That alone may cut back on her need for the paci. Either way, I'd cut some slack on the paci for a while, and then ask her after a week or two: Do you think yo're ready to only use theh paci in the car/at bed? How can I help you be ready for that again?

kmgunder: Hi Barbara, How much are our obesity problems related to how processed our food is? And isn't this really an extremely complex issue? We Americans seem to tend to think that such issues are simple, we try to find the culprit and then attack it, ignoring all of the deeper stuff. For years we thought Fat in food was the culprit, then all the fat free products with lots of sugar came along which created its own whole set of problems. These are complex issues but we tend to try to "solve" them as though they are simple.

Barbara_Meltz: Kmgunder, you're right, of course. We are a country of quick fixes. But I think there are some basics when it comes to the family, starting with family mealtimes, and healthy foods.

LoriLou: Hi. Resubmitting my question re my 2.5 yo who said yesterday "I don't like Daddy." when he was in the room but had not even spoken to her. he was heartbroken! What do to, how do I respond when she says such things? She has also said to him "I'm sad with you, Daddy." But can't (or won't) tell us why. He's wonderful with her, although he's not been around too much lately due to work conflicts. Could that be it?

Barbara_Meltz: LoriLou -- yes, at this age, not being around and getting off routine can make a difference. TSranslate it to, "I miss you daddy, where've you been?"

no_sleep: My 10 month old was sick the past few weeks (stomach bug, followed by fever for a week, then teething etc.) During that time she got up a lot at night (she never did this before). Now that she's well we've been trying the tough love at night to help her sleep. It's working, except I'm not sure how well. She can settle herself back down in just a few minutes (maybe 5). But she's waking frequently, last night from 3AM to 5:30 it was practically every half hour. Any thoughts or advice? We didn't go in to calm her last night since she went back down pretty quickly. I feel so guilty, but at the same time want an independant sleeper before baby #2 arrives in a few more months. Does a 10 mo know to be manipulative? Thanks.

Barbara_Meltz: no-sleep. It always takes time after illness to get a baby back on track (weeks) but no, I would say a 10-mo is not doing this to be manipulative, but it can become habitual. The more she gets used to your presence to fall asleep when she wakes up, the more she needs those very same conditions. Try going in to her the first time, settling her down, patting her, but not staying right next to her at the crib. The next time, go to the room but make no physical contact. Eventually, you should be able to just call to, "You can go back to sleep,honey." BUT -- this is a process that happens in baby steps, over time, not after one or two nights.

no_sleep: If 2 year old can be obese, then when do you start to worry about how much your child is eating? My 10 mo is learning to eat finger foods. Sometimes she doesn't eat much at all, so I usually follow up with the jar food. Is that still reasonable given her young age? I don't want to overfeed her. Does she know her appetite yet? Or is it just an adjustment to solids?

Barbara_Meltz: no_sleep, you worry if your pediatrician tells you to. I'm worried that all this discussion is making parents too crazy about feeding issues. Babys are good at regulating themselves. They eat when they need to.

distant_uncle: Hi Barbara - my 12-yr old nephew lives 800 miles away. His father disappeared several years ago. He is quiet, sensitive type, showing signs of trouble with behavior, schools studies, etc.. His mother (my sister) is still angry with ex. My wife and I, who have never had kids, are trying to develop a relationship with him, phone him regularly, but we find it difficult. Any advice? Any resources you can point us to? Thanks.

Barbara_Meltz: distant uncle, What you are doing sounds wonderful. This a complex issue, as y ou know. I've written about it in my book, and I think in a column. Email me, I'll ssee what I can find.

beesmom: Hi Barbara, Love your columns! I am the mom of a beautiful 9 month old and just found that I am pregnant again- surprise! I am worried about giving both babies enough attention and about sibling rivalry. What are your thoughts? And how should I tell our first? She'll only be 18 months when baby two arrives.

Barbara_Meltz: Beesmom -- hold off on telling your first for as long as possible; she's too young to grasp what you are telling her. I've written about this in my book, and in columns; email me and I'll get the column to you.

Becky_2: What if they ask you directly "what they should do"?

Barbara_Meltz: becky_2 -- have a conversation in which yo share your ideas & strategies, so you're on the same page. If you are with them when she r4equires disciplining and they ask that question, just say, "Mom, it's my job, but thatnks for caring." I can't tell from your email if this feels intrusive to you, but that's the sense I'm getting.

MP: We are having potty issues too. She never showed a ton of interest so I never pushed it, especially with the baby coming. But now she is not really interested. I ask her is she wants to try and she says no. I never push but feel that maybe I could be doing more to get her interest up.

Barbara_Meltz: MP -- nope. don't push. She may be too young anyway.

Barbara_Meltz: Time's up -- thanks for chatting. I'll do this again Feb 19.