Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Do you have an hour a week to spare?

Boston Celtic legend Bill Russell will be at Charlestown High School tomorrow and then at Fenway Park on Thursday, kicking off a new campaign to recruit mentors for Massachusetts youths, mostly boys, who want them. And boy, do they want them: There are more than 4,000 boys statewide on a waiting list to be matched with a mentor. That's not a typo. 4,000. And some of them have been on the waiting list for more than a year.

There are lots of reasons to be a mentor, including that it will add richness to your life. But consider this: Research shows that teens who have mentors are 63 percent less likely to engage in risky behavior, whether it's smoking cigarettes or robbing a convenience store, than teens without mentors. (For more on the benefits of mentoring and on how to be a mentor to your own teen, see a Child Caring column on the subject, below.)

This is only the second time Mass Mentoring Partnership has run a campaign to recruit mentors for the 130 state-wide mentoring programs under its umbrella. Last year's campagin resulted in 200 new mentors.

"So it wasn't very successful the first time....?" I said somewhat gingerly to Chris McCue, of Mass Mentoring.

"Are you kidding?" she shot back. "That was huge for us. Huge."

Like I said, there are 4,000 kids waiting.

THE BOSTON GLOBE,Thursday, December 20, 2001
BARBARA F. MELTZ / CHILD CARING

EVERY TEENAGER NEEDS A CARING ADULT THEY CAN TRUST
When Amylee Bowman dropped a dime last month on three of her classmates at New Bedford High School who were allegedly planning a Columbine-like massacre, she did it because she didn't want Rachel Jupin to get hurt. Jupin, an English teacher, had befriended Bowman. She was reportedly the only adult the teenager trusted, the only adult who listened to her and in whom she could confide.

Every teenager needs a Rachel Jupin.

"It's not metal detectors or cops in the schools that keep teenagers safe. Their safety is gained through relationships with the adults around them," says Philadelphia psychologist Michael Bradley. "What happened in New Bedford is a godsend if it alerts the rest of the nation to this one simple fact."

When teens have one caring adult who is committed to them, they fare better academically and emotionally; when a teen is at risk, a caring adult can turn him around, says psychologist and senior scientist John Schulenberg of the University of Michigan Institute for Social Research.

As loving parents, we assume - indeed, hope and pray - that we'll be the adult that our teenager turns to. If we're lucky, we are, but there are a lot of reasons why we might not be, and that's not the end of the world.

Adolescents push us away, sometimes beginning as young as 11 or 12. Developmentally, this is what they are supposed to do. "They are forging their own identity, and it's easier to say what you are not - `I'm not Mom, I'm not Dad' - than to figure out who you are," says Mike Riera, a San Francisco psychologist who specializes in teens.

The push gains momentum as they connect more with peers. "These days, it is possible for an adolescent to spend entire days with same-age peers and only have superficial contact with adults," says Schulenberg. That can foster an "us versus them" mentality.

Meanwhile, there's rewiring going on in teenagers' brains as they develop a new level of abstract thinking. "All of a sudden, they realize parents are not perfect," Reira says. If they see us as hypocrites (we tell them not to drink, but have a cocktail every night; we preach honesty, but lie in their presence), they may conclude we are not worthy of their respect.

Recent neurological research shows that a typical brain is not fully formed until sometime between age 17 and 20, giving empirical evidence to what parents have long noticed: Teenagers don't have good judgment. Bradley says this is particularly troublesome today because our culture increasingly defines what's cool in ways that leads teens to dangerous and impulsive behavior.

By now, that push they're giving us feels more like a shove. "Don't take this personally, even when it is directed at you," urges Bradley. When parents buy into the stereotype that the push is synonymous with rejection, and then back off as a result, it can translate to a teenager as abandonment. "Not exactly a recipe for close personal connection," says Bradley. He is author of "Yes, Your Teen is Crazy! Loving Your Kid Without Losing Your Mind" (Harbor Press).

Similarly, he recommends avoiding an angry confrontation with a teenager who exercises poor judgment. She's likely already angry with herself and feeling out of control ("crazy" is the word Bradley uses). Our anger provides her with a diversion, a focal point that gets her off the hook: Instead of thinking about the stupid thing she did and feeling bad about it, we've given her the fuel she needs to think about how stupid we are.

Stifle your rage, Bradley advises. Respond calmly: "Is that really the way you want to talk to me?" Then walk away.

"Teenagers see plenty of models of rage and provocation in our culture, but few models of patience, restraint, and tolerance. To them, it's a sign of strength," he says. The more out of control we are, the less respect a teenager will have for us. The quiet approach not only inclines her to focus on her own behavior, but over time makes us someone to admire and emulate, someone she is likely to want to talk to.

Here are some other ways to maximize the chances of this happening:

Make yourself available. Is there down time in your family, when you just hang out at home? "Just doing nothing together can help recharge good parent-child relationships," says Schulenberg. Bradley says teenagers like the idea of knowing you are home, even (and he admits this may sound odd) if they aren't. In addition, there are two times when a teenager is most likely to talk to you: when you're alone in the car together, and late at night. Reira goes so far as to tell parents to set your alarm for 1 a.m. so you can show up in the family room where a teen is watching TV.

"Their defenses are down at night, they're more likely to feel chatty," he says. Reira is co-author of "Field Guide to the American Teenager" (Perseus).

Apologize to your teen. "If I snap at my son, it's often because I've had a bad day, and I'm over-reacting, not because of what he's done," says Bradley, whose son is 12. "When I calm down, I'll tell him, `Ross, when I yelled before, it wasn't about you, it was about me. I had a bad day. I apologize.' " As long as it's genuine and not over-done, this humbling of yourself can gain you points. "They don't know what to do with it," Bradley says. It also affords opportunities to sneak in all kinds of lessons: about striving to be better, about imperfections, about not blaming others for your behavior.

Tolerate conversations about stupid stuff. Often in the middle of a long, egocentric monologue, a teen will tuck in a tidbit that gives you a window to what's really going on with her.

Facilitate connections to other adults. This is important even if your teenager seems connected to you - and critical if he doesn't. "This is one of a parent's most important jobs," says Reira, because it provides a safety net. If your teen is at risk for any reason, the wider the net, the better. Some parents feel competitive with the coach or teacher or parent of a best friend who has their teen's ear. Get over it. In fact, be grateful.

"Call him up," says Reira. "Tell him, `My daughter really admires you. You're her favorite teacher. I appreciate the time and attention you give her.' "

Natick High School principal Barry Parker calls this a win-win strategy. Teachers don't get enough positive feedback, so they will be flattered, he says, and likely will direct even more energy to your child. More importantly, that teacher now knows you are a parent who wants to know what's going on. Reira says that many teachers sit on a hunch about a teenager's behavior because they don't know how parents will react to hearing about it. By the time they have proof, a situation may be dangerously far along.

Precisely to facilitate more intimate teacher-student connections, Parker this year initiated an advisor system for incoming freshmen. In a school of 1,127 students, he says, it's not possible to retain formal advisor relationships beyond the freshman year, but he hopes informal relationships will persist. "It's a way to catch kids who might fall through the cracks," he says.

Principals like Parker might hope for a dozen Rachel Jupins. As parents, we need only one.

SIDEBAR:
STRATEGIES FOR CONNECTING WITH YOUR TEENAGER

1. A sure sign your teenager is connected to you: She periodically sprawls on your bed to talk to you. Go with the flow, even if it doesn't come at a particularly convenient time.

2. Find positive things to say to your teen: "I don't always like what you wear but I really admire your independence. When I was your age, I could never tolerate being different."

3. Ask yourself this hard question: "Have I lost feelings for my teen?" If the answer is yes, it's likely he's also lost feelings for you. Either way, seek professional help.

4. Good rules for talking to your teenager: Speak less than she does; use as few words as possible to make your point; keep your voice low; don't lecture.

5. Between the ages of 11 and 14, teenagers typically are least likely to communicate with parents. By 15, it usually starts to improve.

6. Teenagers often will tolerate hearing from some other adult the same message you have been trying to convey. Don't take it personally.

7. If there's unusual stress at home (illness, divorce, death), let the school (or favorite teacher) know: "There's a lot of upheaval at home. If you can keep a closer eye on Zack, I'd appreciate it."

8. Volunteer work, community events, or part-time jobs can be useful in exposing teens to people of different ages and different ideas.

Posted by Barbara Meltz at 10:17 AM

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